Suggestions for getting mother away from abusive husband?

[KMD4me]

I also think a gun would be a good idea if you feel threatened. I agree with GB, a .357 magnum is a good gun, they don’t have a lot of kick.

[Elena]

Wow,

Call the shelter, or an abuse hotline if you have one in the area. They can give you the best advice on how to get her out of there safely. Some shelters have a Team of people that they can call to help you move(The large male variety). Go as a group to move your moms stuff, preferably when your dad isnt in the house.

Get a restraining order! and call the police and let them know about your situation. hey should be able to advise you from there.

Some have talked about a gun but I would highly advise against it. Your dad could charge you for threatening him with it. Also, unless you really know how to use it (more than just a few lessons) it could wind up hurting you or someone you love or plain escalating an already tense situation. Guns (as much as people like this may deserve it) arent the answer.

Good Luck!

[Brian]

A gun? Sorry but that’s not a good idea. I can be quick to get in a physical fight if needed but stay away from those situations when a gun could be involved. Sounds like the police would be a good idea or like foxfeather said call a abuse hotline .
I hope it all works out for you.

[boskydragon]

🙁 Sounds scary. I hope it all works out. Try getting as many people as you can to help you move all in one go. Hard to start something with 10 witnesses.

[DROGO]

boskydragon wrote:

🙁 Sounds scary. I hope it all works out. Try getting as many people as you can to help you move all in one go. Hard to start something with 10 witnesses.

Ditto that! I’m so sorry about your situation. 🙁 I wish I was there! I’d be your bodyguard… take care, and please be careful what ever you do….

[Arlla]

The gun thing has been on my mind for a while…I’ve wanted a gun for self protection for a loooong long time, but have never actually gone farther than thinking about it. In this particular situation, I don’t think it’s an option – mainly because I would want to be much more experienced with a gun than I am (or could be before this happens) before I enter a situation in which I might actually be called upon to use it in self defense. So no gun…I think having me there would drop the chances of violence by a whole lot – he respect me much more than he does my mother. But he is a lose cannon, so there’s still a chance he would blow up. I think having other people besides me is best, and that’s what I’m planning to do.

I havn’t called the shelter myself because I’m not sure if it will do a ton of good…I mean, yes, they can give me advice that I can pass on to my mother, but really SHE’S the one who needs to hear it and gain strength from it, from someone other than me, and I’m not sure she’d want to talk to them herself…but I’ll call anyway and see what I can get out of it.

The police and restraining order are both things that I have considered too.
I guess the main problem is timing. My mother only seems willing to do this gradually – right now her plan is to tell my father that my grandmother needs her, and that she’s moving in with all of us to help take care of her. No mention of divorce. She says that if he blows up about it, she’ll pursue divorce at that time, but if he doesn’t and lets her go without a fuss, she’ll leave it be…

This worries me very much, because if he lets her go at first, I think we’ll be in more trouble. He’ll want to visit, he’ll get a very clear idea of where our house is (which he doesn’t now) he’ll be calling her 8 times a day to keep her on his leash…I don’t know, I just don’t like it. I’d much rather she committed to the break and just initiated divorce..I know that’s what she really wants, and I know that would make her very happy and free (after the initial year of hell that usually follows a messy divorce) but that’s HER choice, not mine…sigh…

"He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom."
-J R R Tolkien

[Skigod377]

You’re right…the gun is probably not a good idea in this case because she probably couldnt bring herself to actually shoot him… hence the whole getting it wrestled away and getting shot with it herself. The problem with situations like this is that your mom could end up being her own worst enemy. Contacting him… seeing him… thinking he will change. She has to decide what she really wants to do.

[Megan]

Oh, Arlla… 🙁 What a hard situation. I’m so sorry for you and your mom. Everybody seems united in the idea of an escort of some sort, it sounds like a fantastic idea if at all possible. My friend did that when she moved out of her house for the last time… same situation, she feared physical harm from her father if she left, and the police provided a big strong officer to stand guard while she and our friends moved her things. I guess a squad car on the lawn is kind of a good warning for even violent and unreasonable people not to do anything stupid 🙂

[Jodi]

When I moved out when I left my first husband, I got the five biggest men I knew to come and move my stuff out for me. I also changed jobs, because the ex knew where I worked (of course). It was a scarey situation, but not half as scarey as staying with him. I think once your mom gets a taste of freedom, she will make the right decision. It’s easier to imagine a life less complicated and stressful if you have a taste first.

So my advice is to get big men to help her move out what she needs (and deems precious), and see how it goes. Once she’s in your house you can always influence her to stay.

[Brian]

skigod377 wrote:

You’re right…the gun is probably not a good idea in this case because she probably couldnt bring herself to actually shoot him… hence the whole getting it wrestled away and getting shot with it herself. The problem with situations like this is that your mom could end up being her own worst enemy. Contacting him… seeing him… thinking he will change. She has to decide what she really wants to do.

Excactly what I was thinking.

[darjeb]

My next door neighbor is a social worker at the local abused womens shelter and she told me that before she became a social worker she herself was an abused wife but finally got up the nerve to leave the situation. She told me that it usually takes a woman 3 or 4 visits to the shelter before she actually goes thru with it and does not returned to an abusive situation. Many times she returns because of a pet so now if there is a bad situation where a temporary home is needed for a dog (I can’t take a cat because Tristen (chow chow) is a cat chaser) I have taken one of two in and she has boarded birds.

[Heather]

Jeez, Arlla, that’s awful. 😯 I think you’re right, your mom needs out, but there is a lot of risk to her and you here and you need to cover your bases. Please contact the abused women’s shelter now–don’t wait–and talk to one of their advisors or counselors. You need to prepare for the coming “confrontation” very carefully (I put quotes around it because really we want it to NOT be a confrontation: things need to be arranged so that your dad can’t blow up and hurt either of you).

You should definitely also talk to the police. Documenting things that way will help protect you and your mom, and you can also ask for advice there regarding safely making the break from your father. People that react to emotional stimuli by becoming violent are very dangerous and this makes it a police matter. Don’t worry about wasting their time. You’re trying to prevent this from becoming a crime scene. If you feel that they’re not taking you seriously, talk to the shelter people again.

If your dad is getting suspicious, you’ve got to be very careful. I wouldn’t delay talking to the shelter and the police about this too. Even though it is your mom’s decision ultimately and she is probably torn on what to do, you’ve still got a legitimate concern for her safety. It would also really help to get your mom to talk to a counselor. I don’t know whether it’s better for her to do that before she leaves him or after, but she mustn’t risk telling him she’s leaving when there is nobody else there to support her . . . or protect her physically.

Please don’t get a gun, or a knife. Have physical backup instead. Again, talk to the counselor and the police.

I really hope that things go OK for both of you. This is a horribly stressful thing to go through and it’s too much for just a mom and a daughter to handle alone. Get some help on your side! And please hang in there.

[Alyssa]

I am very sorry you have to go thru this. That is one of my worst fears is to get abused. I saw this movie once where this lady was trying to leave her abusive husband and he caught up with her. He hit her until she hit the ground and then stomped on her head and kneed her in the stomach over and over again. It was way horrible and I don’t think I will watch that movie again. I really hope you will get some back up and that every thing works out. I wish I were closer. My bf is 6’8 and he has a gun permit. I think that even if he just stood there then that would make it so your dad wouldn’t do anything. One thing I also thought of is…I wonder how close Nirvana and Louis are to you. They probably wouldn’t mind being there for support. Let us know how things go. Sending warm fuzzies.

[Arlla]

Thanks so much everyone for your suggestions and support! It really means a lot to me…you guys are a great help! Mom is visiting today and tomorrow, and I’ve gotten her to agree to sit with me as we call the shelter tomorrow. I’ll let you know how it goes.

"He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom."
-J R R Tolkien

[lamortefille]

Best of luck, Arlla…*hugs*

[Author]

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