Grandpa Just Went Into A Resthome this Monday…

[Amy]

Hi everyone.

I’m feeling pretty down this week. My grandpa, who is now 92, was just put into a nursing home this Monday. My grandma had been taking care of him, but he has dementia and it has only gotten worse as of late, and she isn’t able to take care of him any more, especially since he cannot walk any longer. They are coming up on their 60th wedding anniversary, so you can only imagine what this is like for my grandma.

I was over at her house on Sunday for (what will likely be) the last family dinner we will have with all of us together. I saw my grandma cry for the first time in my life. That was really hard…

Basically, I guess I was hoping for any tips that come from the experience of having a relative go into a nursing home and eventually passing away.

Are there things to look for to make sure he’s receiving proper care? Or anything else that I might not even be thinking of?

And when someone does eventually pass away, what are some ways you have found to deal with the grief? My family is Lutheran, so according to our belief system my grandpa will finally be in heaven after he goes, so I am happy for him that he will be somewhere where he won’t ever have to suffer again. I just know my mom and I will miss him terribly. We’ve already both been crying, and the best thing I can say to her is “It’s ok, I know it’s not really, but don’t cry.” She smiles a tiny bit at the irony, but is still extremely sad.

So, anyway, any advice?

[Kiya]

It is really hard and I’m sorry you guys have to go through this! We had to put my grandfather into a nursing home at 89 for similar reasons and he and my grandma had been married 70 years, so I do understand what you’re going through 🙁

Having someone visit a lot is the best way to tell how a nursing home is doing. Check to see if your grandpa is clean and smells okay? Does he seem like he’s as happy as he can be?

Losing people is hard, we lost my father and my grandmother last year and my grandfather a few years before that. I don’t know that there’s a “trick” to grief to get you through it. Losing my grandparents was “easier” than losing my dad – they were both in their 90s and lived wonderful, fully, happy lives. It was very sad, but it was closing the door on a wonderful, beautiful life well lived. It helped to focus on the positive and the many good things. I miss them – I will always miss them, but it’s a peaceful kind of hurt.

My dad is a totally different thing – it’s been about 9 months and I’m still angry/hurt/upset/confused. He wasn’t even 65. He was diagnosed with cancer in March and passed away in July. I’m not sure how to heal it or get through it. I’m hoping time and faith will help.

[twindragonsmum]

Let me think on this a bit and I’ll get back to you. The best ideas/thoughts come after a little time. I’m so very sorry you are experiencing this Amy Jane. We have a print of Christ in our home that I just love. The thought under the picture says “I never said it would be easy. I just said it would be worth it.”

twindragonsmum

tdm

[Amy]

That’s a comforting thing to remember, TDM. Thank you for that.

And thank you for the advice Kiya. My grandparents also had a wonderful life together so I will definitely try to focus on that. It is still hard though. My own dad is a big jerk, and at this point I’d categorize us as estranged, but even when I was little I always sort of looked to my grandpa as my father figure, so losing him is really a double whammy 🙁

[Laurie]

“I never said it would be easy. I just said it would be worth it.”

I think that says it all.

No matter what anyone’s beliefs are, no matter how you look at it, It all boils down to one thing. Your loved one isn’t suffering anymore. Grief is totally selfish. We want the people we love to be with us forever. When they finally pass they are now at rest and in a happier place. <— believe that, it's true. We are the ones who are suffering, not them. 😉 My thoughts are with you and your family. Give Grandma a hug from me. It will be so hard for her. After all her husband is her life. It's very hard to lose your lifemate.

[Amy]

Very true Laurie. Whenever I start getting really sad I just tell myself I’m being selfish and it would be better for him for him to be with God.

And yes, it’s definitely going to be rough for my grandma. She’s back from the time when being a housewife really was a woman’s life, and she really lived up to it. She’s taken care of him forever. I don’t know what she’s gonna do with herself now. At least she’ll be able to start going to church again now.

Update: My mom just talked to her, and she says she feels guilty that she can do whatever she wants now since she doesn’t have to worry about him. She just keeps looking over to his chair, but he’s not there.

[Tethra]

Amy Jane, I feel for you! We were going to be in that exact situation but my Pa passed away before he had to go to the nursing home. As it only happened at the start of December my Nanna is still very much feeling the loss after being married to him for 65 years. (My Pa looked good even at the very end I must say, and we think all the ladies will be after him up there!)

Make sure your Grandma gets out of the house to go socialise as having the support network really helps. Go and see her a lot to help keep loneliness at bay and take her to see him often. Having her family behind her will help her to cope.

For yourself and your mum, don’t be afraid to cry. It’s healthy. You will have many huge sobbing sessions, both now and when he does pass away. Let it all out, as you will feel better for it. I still cry over my Pa as I loved him very, very much and I always will. I have giggled at his threat – “I’ll pack my matchbox and go”. Well he has finally packed his matchbox and gone! If your Grandpa has any funny phrases like that, I find it is therapeutic to have a bit of a giggle at them, and just remember the good times.

Spend some time with you Grandpa even if he doesn’t remember it, as you will and it will be a comfort to you when he does shuffle off the mortal coil.

I hope this helps you and remember it does get easier with time. He will always be with you, in your heart.

[dragonmedley]

Let your gramma know that her feeling guilty about her new-found freedom is normal… I think every caregiver feels that at one point. She shouldn’t feel guilty, of course, but human nature is the way it is.

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[Carolyn]

My heart goes out to you . I’m going thru that too today . My mom is going into a nursing home and she won’t be back . She has ALS or it’s named after that baseball player . Movie Pride of the Yankees . Sorry can’t spell his last name . I’m alone in this . It’s so hard and pain and sadness is natural . We need to grieve . Crying is heathly it gets the pain out .
Don’t let it get bottled up .

Blessings to you .

[Amy]

Thank you all. I really appreciate all of your advice and kind wishes during this difficult time.

[Author]

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