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It’s sad that the boys are caught in the middle, and just plain pitiful that Rod is trying to use them as a means to cause you pain. I have nothing but disdain for that man; what a low thing to do. Right now Ethan is parroting what he has heard, but give him time. Eventually he’s going to stop and think about what he is being told, and comparing it to what he knows from growing up, and he’s going to realize that he is being used. It’s a hard thing, being a teen; common sense takes a back seat sometimes and what comes flying out of the mouth is spoken by the emotions of the moment. I daresay he’s horrified by what he said, and scared that you’ll reject him, and as a result will for a while cleave even more strongly to the “party line” that he’s being fed by his father. Don’t take it personally. Let Ethan have his space for now–he needs time to think. When he has time to think, he’ll start asking himself questions, and probably won’t like the answers he gets. Then he’ll spend some time fretting over whether his harsh words burned a bridge. It all takes time; hang in there.
It may be tempting to try to communicate even more with him, but right now isn’t the best time. Give the situation some breathing room. I’m not saying don’t communicate with him at all, but do it according to a schedule and a language that seems comfortable for him. Even though right now he is pushing away, he needs to know that you are still there and that you still love him. A time will come when he begins to think for himself, and realizes what has happened.
And at the same time, your sons need to see that you are strong. Being stuck only supports the false image of you that their father wants them to see. Pick up the pieces; it may take a while, but keep moving forward. Remember that to your sons, at the deepest level, you are a powerful and vivid figure. By rebuilding your life even in the face of this challenge, you are reaffirming that image that they hold of you. You are no quitter; never that. We all have dark times and bleak thoughts; there’s no shame in that. It’s when we sit up and decide that we’re nevertheless going to live–and more, we are going to be happy again someday–that we show our mettle. I believe in you, Beckie, and I believe that you will be happy again.
TDM,
Life is hard, mostly made up of trials and tests. We get tested on our strengths everyday. I’ve been absent from the forum for a while, I myself have gone through a lot in the last 2 years. I’ve been knocked down and kicked and pushed. The one thing I’ve learned through it all is you get brief moments that make you smile and those are the moments you cling too. They will give you the strength. You need them in your heart and mind and you can carry on. If you take a second to look around you will see more happy moments to cling too then you realized were there. As good old Alfred says’ to Bruce Wayne; ” Why do we fall sir? So we might learn to pick ourselves up.” 🙂Totally agree with everything Bardwing said. I was the teenager in the bitter divorse. And everyone is right, a teen in divorse can not think rationally At All. Sadly, both my parents were trying to get me to pick sides and it seemed like they would say just about anything. I think it really would have helped if one of them chose to say that they knew I was hurting and that no matter what they would Love me. I understand, years later, that the pain was very confusing for all of us.. but I just didn’t have the capacity to even begin to understand anything back then. And I remember saying some very mean things to both my parents and being very bitter for a long time. Everyone handles divorse differently but I can say it will get better, relationships will mend with time.
Like they have said up above, just keep loving your children. They are speaking through pain they don’t know how to deal with. They do still love you very very much and need your love and kindness in this time of confusion.
Be strong for yourself and for them. Take a minute to deep breathe and realize all the truths that the forum members are saying.
You are loved and well thought of
It will get better with time
Keep loving and Keep moving Forward
We believe in you
We are here for you
Never, Never, Never quitSo I thought I’d give you a bit of an update… got a phone call from Eth yesterday afternoon with an invitation from him and my dad-in-law for my mum and myself to join the family at a local restaurant for Rod’s birthday – their treat… Had to really think it over but decided to go based on the fact that the invite was issued by E and I have a relationship with my in-laws that none of us can let go after being a family for 26 years. Had a good evening. After dinner we went back to the house for cake and so Seanly could have sometime with his grandparents. My mum and Rod’s parents talked and talked and talked. Never once in this whole process have his parents faulted me nor said anything horrible about me. They want to keep the relationship as much as I do and that’s saying a lot since Rod has always been the “favorite” child. As we were leaving to go home I got a hug from E. I told him I thank you for the invite, that I loved him and he was welcome to come see me anytime he wanted to. He didn’t reply but at least it got said and I got a hug. Not too bad all in all.
tdm 🙂
tdm
This is wonderful! Definitely a step in the right direction.
Totally.
Hugs!!!
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http://www.sarahjestin.com/feedbacklists.htmWell Done! 🙂 That’s the way: claim the relationships that are good for you, and stay in touch with the people who matter. I am really proud of you for stepping into what looked at first like a lion’s den, and your courage paid off big time. Ethan will feel better knowing that you’ve accepted his olive branch, and your in-laws know that you value greatly your relationship with them. Bravi!
HECK YEAH!!! That is great TDM–so happy that you went and had a good time. I feel Eth will come around and you accepting his invite was a huge and scary step. Good on you!
Stay strong dear.All things must pass and you will be stronger and wiser.One door closes,another opens.Never forget that.Love and hugs
Every act matters.No matter how small💞
(Wanted......Brimstone Lap)
Male Hearth....one day🤞Dream on.*hugs* I am glad dinner went well. Stay strong – things will get better! We are sending prayers your way!
Went to Utah for a couple days to be with my mum. Dad passed away a year ago so I went to help give some moral support… Before I left BOTH me boyohs came to the apartment to pick up the meeces and take care of ’em while I was gone and we had a good hours long visit and got a smother hug from Eth; you know, the sort where the kid just drapes himself over your shoulder and goes limp… haven’t had one of those in quite awhile, I just held on tight and rocked him a bit, all 6’3″ of him 🙂 Had Sean home with me yesteerday, he’s not feeling well. Both boyohs take thier S.A.T.s tomorrow (where has the time gone?) 6 more weeks of school and they are officially Seniors…
tdm
tdm
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