going to be MIA for a lil while.

[Amy]

I’m so sorry, sweetie 🙁
I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but you’ll get through this and someday meet the one you’re really meant to be with.

Everything will be ok in the end. If it’s not ok, then it’s not the end.

[Rachel]

HUGE HUGE HUG! I’m so sorry, Kaytana. Take some time for yourself. Figure out an outlet. Be good to you.

[Ann]

I’m so sorry KP. 🙁 When you are ready to come back, know that we love you and think you are super cool.

[Jinya]

So sorry you are hurting. I have had some family trouble myself lately, like terrible things that have me redefineing who I am, was, and who I want to be. I hurt for the tainting of happy memories, I cried for my pain, for the pain of others, and for the blindness and deception that was a large part of my life till now. I pray your pain heals quick, that you are able to refind yourself, and in the future when all thats left are scars and lessons learned, you are able to find a new family and a new happy ending.

[KaytanaPhoenix]

Thank You, everyone, for all your kind words and support.. I truly do cherish it all <3

I have had my "ok" moments and my anything but ok moments.. I'm sitting in a not so ok moment right now. – He left me a week before the kid's b'day parties (Which will be Sat) – I made a promise to lil Nevaeh, before having any clue what was coming around the corner, that I would be back (Came up here to visit my dad for his b'day) for their b'day parties. – I hate the idea of breaking a promise to anyone.. it's killing me that I'm going to have to break one to a 7year old lil girl I love like my own daughter. But not being there is better than them seeing a fight between me and either Anthony, or a friend of his that I never did get along with that will be there. I know I won't be welcomed, and it would be unfair to ruin the kids day.
So tonight I went and bought cards.. I don't know what to write in them, 'n I honestly don't know if he will even let them have them.. they're better than nothing, and I want them to know that I love them and thought of them.. but it isn't going to fix my not being there… It took all I had to not break down crying in the card isle.. and I decided to not run the other errands I had planned on running.. I just couldn't do it.

Anthony still hasn't talked to me, so I still don't know what truly happened and why. I have had the sad fate of looking over the past few months and have more and more clearly seen where he was pulling away from me.. when I moved a bunch of photos into their own folders on my pc and Facebook (I don't want to get rid of them, just move them where they're not such a surprise to run into… minimize my emotional landmines) I saw how happy he was for the first 2 years.. he hardly took photos with me the past 6 months, and the couple I have he just doesn't seem as happy… which hurts a lot to see. – I have stayed madly in love with him, and kept the spark alive (I'd fall in love with him all over again because of small things he would do, sometimes just a smile is all it would take) and the spark had died for him.. he just hasn't loved me like he used to… 'n I don't know why 🙁

I thank everyone who has sent personal and private messages, and those who have taken the time to write long things here. I have read them all, and they do honestly help! I would like to respond more personally.. but at this very moment in time I am too stuck in a haze… but I promise I will get back to everyone. *hugs* thank you all so much! It amazes me how supportive everyone here is…

[Hannah]

Oh my gosh Kay.. I am so sorry I missed this before now 🙁

*giant hugs*
I am so sorry my friend. I have been in the same spot as you and I know full and well that although kind words are comforting, in the end you are still left wondering one simple thing – why? (I am not attempting to belittle ANYONE’s kind messages – please, keep them coming! She needs them!) Sometimes you never get that simple question answered, and it’s almost that more than anything that makes moving on the hardest.

You know I love you to death, so surely you know I was clenching my fists as I read this (HOLD ME BACK! HOLD ME BACK!!), and you likely know how much I’d love to give Anthony a piece of my mind right now. You are a strong, amazing woman and I know you will be able to get through this. Experiences are what make us who we are in this world, and I know you are the type to learn from everything that happens – good or bad.

If he won’t talk to you about what happened, I hope you are still able to move on and continue living as the beautiful lady that I’ve grown to know over the past months. The pain WILL go away, though it doesn’t feel like it right now. Hang in there.

I’ll say it again – you are an amazing woman. You are smart, talented as heck (those painting skills – those PHOTOGRAPHY skills! omg..), courageous as all get out (storm chasing WHAT?!), funny as hell, and drop dead gorgeous. He is an idiot for letting you go, and you are better than him. Stay strong my friend.

Love you.

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[KaytanaPhoenix]

Oh my gosh Kay.. I am so sorry I missed this before now 🙁

*giant hugs*
I am so sorry my friend. I have been in the same spot as you and I know full and well that although kind words are comforting, in the end you are still left wondering one simple thing – why? (I am not attempting to belittle ANYONE’s kind messages – please, keep them coming! She needs them!) Sometimes you never get that simple question answered, and it’s almost that more than anything that makes moving on the hardest.

You know I love you to death, so surely you know I was clenching my fists as I read this (HOLD ME BACK! HOLD ME BACK!!), and you likely know how much I’d love to give Anthony a piece of my mind right now. You are a strong, amazing woman and I know you will be able to get through this. Experiences are what make us who we are in this world, and I know you are the type to learn from everything that happens – good or bad.

If he won’t talk to you about what happened, I hope you are still able to move on and continue living as the beautiful lady that I’ve grown to know over the past months. The pain WILL go away, though it doesn’t feel like it right now. Hang in there.

I’ll say it again – you are an amazing woman. You are smart, talented as heck (those painting skills – those PHOTOGRAPHY skills! omg..), courageous as all get out (storm chasing WHAT?!), funny as hell, and drop dead gorgeous. He is an idiot for letting you go, and you are better than him. Stay strong my friend.

Love you.

Thank you my dear!

I hope to one day be able to talk to him about what happened.. I just dunno if I can face it right now.. since I’ve been trying to move through the grieving process.. I either needed to talk when it JUST happened and nothing had processed (So it couldn’t undo everything I’ve been trying so hard to get to being simply “ok”), or wait till I know I can handle what might be said = This is assuming he even knows why… I do wish I knew what happened and why he decided to stop communicating and started giving up… in hindsight, he’s been pushing me away and giving up for months.. it was gettin bad toward the end, I had to ask for kisses, and he flat out didn’t kiss me like he meant it.. even just pecks felt forced 🙁

I am strong, and I do know the pain will subside… eventually… I just have to get past all the emotional landmines in my everyday life, and adjust to him not being there.. and well.. adjust to the entire new life I have now, no longer living near the city, too far from my fave place to go dancing, away from friends… it’s unfair that he just has to get used to me not being there, ‘n he was adjusting to emotionally detaching for a while now.. ‘n I have to adjust my entire life AND work on trying to emotionally detach. – I know I will ALWAYS love him and his kids. But I can’t be IN love with him 🙁

Why is certainly the worst question in my mind.. I don’t understand it..

I love you too, girl! <3 I love everyone here! In time, when I am able to move through the emotional process we'll all have the good ol me back… I look forward to it as much as anyone else does, I hate being this person I am right now… so I won't let it keep me down any longer than necessary… I have come to terms that until I KNOW I need to think badly of him, I won't.. I don't want to taint what we had, 'n I'm willing to give him the best benefit of the doubt, be it a wise choice or not.. There may not be any ill intent beyond the spark just died for him… somehow.

[KaytanaPhoenix]

Ok.. so an update on me.

First off, I would like to point out that I have the most amazing friends ever! 🙂 ‘n the friends I have made on this forum, and support from those I have yet to call friends, but were here for support.. you all mean the WORLD to me! <3 I truly cannot tell you how much you guys really mean to me 🙂

'n Etruscan… THANK YOU!! *huggles* (You know what that is for!)

I am doing a lot better, getting back into the scope of 'normal' for me… redefining what is normal to me… 'n realizing I really do have great friends all over this world 🙂 most of the people who helped me the most get back up on my feet I have never met face to face.. but have made an impact on me that will last for the rest of my life 🙂

I have not talked to Anthony at all since the breakup. I sent the kids b'day cards, 'n he sent me a text that thanked me for sending them.. 'n that is literally all. – I no longer feel the need to talk to him. – I know I did everything I could for that relationship, and I know I gave him my all, it wasn't me who gave up, and it wasn't me who decided to drop communication. – It took a lil bit of time, but it finally sunk in, if I wasn't worth fighting for.. then he isn't worth hurting for.

I miss the kids a lot, and hope to one day be ok enough to ask him if I can be in their lives.. the breakup hasn't been vicious so far, so maybe that will be something that can happen.. at this point in time, it is a time will tell deal… I know he will do the best he can for those kids, so I'm not worried about them, I just miss them. and I can honestly say I hope he finds what he is looking for in life… I don't understand how or why I wasn't it, but lets face it.. we truly cannot control who we love.

As for me, I have a beautiful future ahead of me, regardless the direction I take it… I have come to find my fave quote right now is "With every ugly end, there is a beautiful beginning waiting to happen" I believe this with all of my soul 🙂
I have reconnected with old friends, and made some amazing new friends… I have concentrated on my country living side of life.. 'n I can truly say that is breathing a new life into me.
I started painting a little bit again… 'n enjoying my time on here 🙂 I may not be as active on here still.. but this is in part because I am now getting out and doing more 🙂

For everyone who commented here and gave their support, truly, thank you! I appreciate and LOVE what each and every one of you have done 🙂 I'm not kidding when I say I can't possibly tell you all what it has meant to me! 'n those who sent me private emails, I will get back to you all! 🙂 I'm sorry I haven't responded, I took a lot of this time to just decipher my own mind, n let it mull things over…

Thank you! All of you! *Group hug!!*

[dragonmedley]

I’m so glad you’re finding a rainbow in this rainy season in your life… Hugs!

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[windstonefan]

Sorry I did not see this been dealing with my own problems.

Somewhere behind all this is a silver liniing.( hard to see that now) Better now than a few more years of wasted investment in someone that obviously wasn’t worthy of your love.

I was going to say try to reconect with old friends but I see that you are doing just that.

They say having a love-close-relationship end is allot like dealing with a mates death. Very difficult. I completly understand. Feel better and always remember you have friends here to talk to as well as people that love you and want to help.

Looks like you are doing better now. As usual I am late. But I am wishing you the best and a swift recovery.

windstonefan

[Shawna]

So happy you are doing better, still wish people understood that when you break up & leave someone closure & a reason behind it all would be very helpful. So sorry Anthony wouldn’t give you that. I agree that the kids lose out the most. I hope in future he will let you continue to see them regardless of his relationship with you.

Hugs! Hang in there!

Kyrin

[drag0nfeathers]

Oh my goodness!!! I had noticed you were not here as much as usual, but I had no idea that all this happened up until just recently! I’m so sorry Kaytana! Not that you wan to hear that now, but if I only knew I would have been there for you too x.x I thought some of your posts I saw on FB sounded sort of sad. I suck!

I’m happy to hear that you are getting past i tthough and feeling alittl ebetter at leats day by day. All things take time and this will be no different. If you need me for anything please don’t hesitate to shoot me a message. *hugs*

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[Grayfire_artz]

With more time it’ll start feeling more normal day by day. I’m so happy to hear your doing a bit better! Getting out in the fresh air helps to. Make more sunset memories with friends and loved ones. You’ll get back to good before you know it.

[KaytanaPhoenix]

I’m so glad you’re finding a rainbow in this rainy season in your life… Hugs!

*hugs* Thanks you so much 🙂 Kinda funny.. the first day that I started to really feel better.. I saw 3 different rainbows in the same day! 🙂 several storms moved around us, ‘n cast off several rainbows.. but we never lost our sunshine here. It was a good day (Also the night of the blue moon… it truly felt like a perfect day for a fresh start)

Sorry I did not see this been dealing with my own problems.

Somewhere behind all this is a silver liniing.( hard to see that now) Better now than a few more years of wasted investment in someone that obviously wasn’t worthy of your love.

I was going to say try to reconect with old friends but I see that you are doing just that.

They say having a love-close-relationship end is allot like dealing with a mates death. Very difficult. I completly understand. Feel better and always remember you have friends here to talk to as well as people that love you and want to help.

Looks like you are doing better now. As usual I am late. But I am wishing you the best and a swift recovery.

Thank you for the kind thoughts 🙂 I don’t mind them being late, it is always good to feel loved by great people!

So happy you are doing better, still wish people understood that when you break up & leave someone closure & a reason behind it all would be very helpful. So sorry Anthony wouldn’t give you that. I agree that the kids lose out the most. I hope in future he will let you continue to see them regardless of his relationship with you.

Hugs! Hang in there!

Kyrin

Man, I agree! Leaving people flat out hanging is just not good! I’m just glad I was able to come to terms with it and no longer question why… ‘n then move on from it furthermore and no longer even care to know why… I just tell myself he had his reasons, and if I didn’t mean enough to talk to or fight for, then I flat out didn’t mean enough to him… ‘n I am better to be out of that ‘n free to find someone I *will* mean enough to 🙂

Oh my goodness!!! I had noticed you were not here as much as usual, but I had no idea that all this happened up until just recently! I’m so sorry Kaytana! Not that you wan to hear that now, but if I only knew I would have been there for you too x.x I thought some of your posts I saw on FB sounded sort of sad. I suck!

I’m happy to hear that you are getting past i tthough and feeling alittl ebetter at leats day by day. All things take time and this will be no different. If you need me for anything please don’t hesitate to shoot me a message. *hugs*

*HUGS* it’s ok my dear 🙂 I know life goes on around me ‘n sometimes not everyone catches on to my worries ‘n stumbles, it just happens! lol… I really appreciate your being here for me 🙂 I have felt so much love from this forum, it’s hard to not feel better… I truly can’t tell everyone how much warmth I feel, ‘n how truly lucky I feel to have such amazing people in my life! The average person is lucky to find just one person like all of you! I am SOOO fortunate to have a whole group! 🙂

With more time it’ll start feeling more normal day by day. I’m so happy to hear your doing a bit better! Getting out in the fresh air helps to. Make more sunset memories with friends and loved ones. You’ll get back to good before you know it.

Honestly, I’m really happy with what is becoming my new normal 🙂 I’m taking advantage of making my life something that’d be full of stories when I’m 80 n sitting in my rocking chair ;p haha. As I mentioned, I’m getting in contact with old friends.. making new friends.. I’m getting back to LIVING my life. Truth be told, the past 6 months, I haven’t done much other than sit around waiting for tomorrow… ‘n that isn’t the way to live!

[bayoudragon]

I’m late too! I don’t read this section of the forum enough. >.<

Not knowing can be really tough. I'm happy that you are able to make a fresh positive start. That's not an easy thing to do, and it shows just how strong person you are! Mucho Hugs!!

I saw the uni post in the collection thread. That is so totally awesome. This forum really is the best place to be. 🙂

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