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Really I should’ve posted my life at the moment here, instead of in Melody’s stuff… Dad will be in hospital a couple of days. They think he’s leaking blood internally, just can’t find where. He’s had a transfusion but still more testing to be done. Mum is with him and she’ll be late coming home. Having bronchitis sux – it hurts to cough and hurts to breathe and I get winded coming up the stairs. As for the divorce situation – I’ve no idea where this is coming from. Rod just announced one day that he was done and that’s been that. He wants me out of the house. He won’t go. Boyohs are thoroughly disgusted with him and don’t want to be where he is. I’m currently in Utah helping my parents and Rod and boyohs are in Idaho, at home. I have no idea how I’m going to be able to support myself and the boyohs. I’ve been out of the job market over 20 years. Who in their right mind would hire me? I’ve just been raising boyohs… Really makes you wonder about your decision making skills. If I goofed up the marriage decision so badly, what other important things have I screwed up?
tdm
As I said in the other thread–*hugs* and I hope the health situations improve rapidly for both you and your dad.
Don’t waste time right now on judging yourself. Instead, spend that energy on protecting yourself, and finding the best lawyer you can.
Start checking into your legal rights ASAP–most of what you need is online. In WA, for example, he legally couldn’t order you to move out. Granted, most people will opt to leave, because no one wants to live with that toxicity, but legally speaking at least in this state, if your name is on the house (and even if it isn’t, in a community property state, which Idaho is), you have the right to remain in it whether he likes it or not, unless a judge orders otherwise. It may or may not be the same in Idaho–you need to find out.
Likewise, talk to a lawyer, both about common custody and support arrangements in Idaho, and how about liberal the judges are in determining settlements. Here, it’s very very rare that a displaced homemaker would not receive both alimony and child support (if she has custody of the kids)–again, even though it’s a community property state, the judges have some discretion on how things are apportioned. There are also frequently laws regarding at what age the kids are old enough to decide for themselves which parent they want to live with.
WA also has education programs for displaced homemakers at greatly reduced costs or even free. Look for something similar.
Again, huge hugs. It sucks, and having everything go sideways like this at once just makes it all harder.
Edit to add: yes, they may put you through a mental eval. Unless it comes back with something like “currently experiencing extreme psychotic episodes”, it’ll likely have no bearing on your fitness as a parent.
And he can kiss off “getting everything”. Idaho IS a community property state.
Really makes you wonder about your decision making skills. If I goofed up the marriage decision so badly, what other important things have I screwed up?
tdm
People can be quite good at hiding who they are when they want. It’s not your fault and it’s possible that he has only recently changed into this person. You did not screw this up. Him being a douchy a-hole screwed this up.
Really I should’ve posted my life at the moment here, instead of in Melody’s stuff… Dad will be in hospital a couple of days. They think he’s leaking blood internally, just can’t find where. He’s had a transfusion but still more testing to be done. Mum is with him and she’ll be late coming home. Having bronchitis sux – it hurts to cough and hurts to breathe and I get winded coming up the stairs. As for the divorce situation – I’ve no idea where this is coming from. Rod just announced one day that he was done and that’s been that. He wants me out of the house. He won’t go. Boyohs are thoroughly disgusted with him and don’t want to be where he is. I’m currently in Utah helping my parents and Rod and boyohs are in Idaho, at home. I have no idea how I’m going to be able to support myself and the boyohs. I’ve been out of the job market over 20 years. Who in their right mind would hire me? I’ve just been raising boyohs… Really makes you wonder about your decision making skills. If I goofed up the marriage decision so badly, what other important things have I screwed up?
tdm
Sounds like someone hit his midlife crisis–that moment they get selfish, especially when their wife isn’t a machine that never breaks down. Quite frankly, I think he needs a nice fish slap upside the head! He’ll continue to support you and the boyohs whether he likes it or not (and whether you remain married or not).
Really makes you wonder about your decision making skills. If I goofed up the marriage decision so badly, what other important things have I screwed up?
tdm
People can be quite good at hiding who they are when they want. It’s not your fault and it’s possible that he has only recently changed into this person. You did not screw this up. Him being a douchy a-hole screwed this up.
I’m glad so many people have said so many good words because I seriously have none, read through your post with my jaw on my desk.
I’m so sorry TDM. 🙁 Major major hugs.
Would tea help your bronchitis symptoms, at least? I swear by Throat Coat, there’s nothing else like it. And a cup of tea might not be a bad idea given all the mega-crap you’re going through. And more hugs.
Sounds like someone hit his midlife crisis–that moment they get selfish, especially when their wife isn’t a machine that never breaks down. Quite frankly, I think he needs a nice fish slap upside the head! He’ll continue to support you and the boyohs whether he likes it or not (and whether you remain married or not).
>_> They get more selfish? The ones my age are already pretty bad.
There will always be wine and Windstones, right? T_T
Oh TDM! I’m so sorry. *Hugs* Getting divorced and having to start all over again is hard. I’d been out of the job market for 6 years (I know it’s not quite the same) and I managed to find something. You’ll find something. If you need or want to talk, feel free to shoot me a message. *Hugs*
I think creating this thread couldn’t have come at a better time!! TDM, I’m so sorry you’re going through this!
I honestly wouldn’t blame yourself at all for this.. in my experience, when a man gets the way this one has, it’s his head that’s messed up! 🙁 Hopefully your boys will have a big say on where they go, and this prick that has overrun who used to be your husband will get what’s coming to him! Keep your head up and do not let him have the power to get you down too much! If you feel yourself starting to give up on the fight, just remember these words: He doesn’t deserve your hurt! – That’s how I got through my last breakup… I was all but officially engaged to him, and out of the blue he breaks up with me by trying to say “he needs space” and doesn’t speak a word to me for a week, he tried to disappear without saying anything, then once cornered, breaks up with me in the most graceful fashion of a text message… while he was with his new (was ex) gf. The b@$^@&# couldn’t even leave me before going back to his (literally psychotic) ex gf (Some men are outright cowards when it comes down to it)
My breakup is still nothing like this, but I got back up quicker than I ever would have if I didn’t keep telling myself that he doesn’t deserve my hurt, my tears and my heartache were too good for him! ‘n the best way I could *show him* is to get back up and not let him win! I met my current bf 3 weeks later.. we’ve been together 2 years, ‘n I got a whole family with the deal! (he has two kids) I didn’t know it when it was happening, but that ass leaving me was the best thing that could have happened to me… ‘n if I let him keep me down, I never would have known it…‘n your boys are too good for him, they’ll fight to be with their mom 🙂 Which is where they belong.. fight for what you want! Show him what happens when a dumb man crosses a strong woman! ‘n lean on us for all the support you need! You’ll get through, it’s going to be rough, I’ll be honest about that.. but you’ll get through 🙂 ‘n you’ll get back on your feet, stronger than ever before… ‘n you’ll show him what he messed up and what he’s missing. He may never say it or show it, but one day, it’ll hit him…I promise you that
OH TDM!!! I am SO sorry to hear this….I agree with what Kaytana has to say and all I can add is to hold your head up, look him in the eye and show him you are NOT about to roll over and play dead or give up!!!!!!
All my thoughts are with you!!!! {{{{HUGGGSSS}}}}
Not trying to take away from TDM – but I have *yet another* scream for the day!
I just opened what I thought was the receipt of my truck insurance bill (They always mail me one even though I go in and hand them money n they hand me a receipt then) ‘n they’re trying to double bill me?!?? I payed my average $82 last week and *now* they’re saying I owe $166 by the 3rd! o.o are you KIDDING ME?? So now I get to find my receipt (Never had a problem with them before so I don’t keep as great of track of those as I’m going to from now on!) and drive in tomorrow and figure this out *headdesk*
**Edit**
I just had to tell someone I couldn’t find the receipt to find it, 30 seconds later! That makes me feel a *little* better but I’m still upset that they’re saying I owe $166!Sounds like someone hit his midlife crisis–that moment they get selfish, especially when their wife isn’t a machine that never breaks down. Quite frankly, I think he needs a nice fish slap upside the head! He’ll continue to support you and the boyohs whether he likes it or not (and whether you remain married or not).
>_> They get more selfish? The ones my age are already pretty bad.
There will always be wine and Windstones, right? T_T
Not all of them are that way. Honestly, I know a lot of men (probably a vast majority) that aren’t. But you certainly can’t be doing yourself any favors by finding one that STARTED out that way. If you lived nearby, I’d have 2 or 3 single guys I’d point in your direction. I’m taken, already (having gone through a divorce and now know better what NOT to put up with), or I’d be after them, myself.
Not trying to take away from TDM – but I have *yet another* scream for the day!
I just opened what I thought was the receipt of my truck insurance bill (They always mail me one even though I go in and hand them money n they hand me a receipt then) ‘n they’re trying to double bill me?!?? I payed my average $82 last week and *now* they’re saying I owe $166 by the 3rd! o.o are you KIDDING ME?? So now I get to find my receipt (Never had a problem with them before so I don’t keep as great of track of those as I’m going to from now on!) and drive in tomorrow and figure this out *headdesk*
**Edit**
I just had to tell someone I couldn’t find the receipt to find it, 30 seconds later! That makes me feel a *little* better but I’m still upset that they’re saying I owe $166!How frustrating! But, at least you found the receipt. Sometimes things just get messed up. I wouldn’t hold it against them, especially if they fix it right away.
Really I should’ve posted my life at the moment here, instead of in Melody’s stuff… Dad will be in hospital a couple of days. They think he’s leaking blood internally, just can’t find where. He’s had a transfusion but still more testing to be done. Mum is with him and she’ll be late coming home. Having bronchitis sux – it hurts to cough and hurts to breathe and I get winded coming up the stairs. As for the divorce situation – I’ve no idea where this is coming from. Rod just announced one day that he was done and that’s been that. He wants me out of the house. He won’t go. Boyohs are thoroughly disgusted with him and don’t want to be where he is. I’m currently in Utah helping my parents and Rod and boyohs are in Idaho, at home. I have no idea how I’m going to be able to support myself and the boyohs. I’ve been out of the job market over 20 years. Who in their right mind would hire me? I’ve just been raising boyohs… Really makes you wonder about your decision making skills. If I goofed up the marriage decision so badly, what other important things have I screwed up?
tdm
Oh TDM! 25 years and this… *sends hugs and lots of chocolate*
Number 1 – Don’t you go feeling bad about this, you did nothing wrong! This is all about *him* and there is nothing, absolutely nothing wrong with your decision making!
For sole custody of the boys, you have to prove that the other parent is unfit (insane, abusive, etc.) or actually say and give up your rights. Your boys are also older so will more than likely have a say in who they want to live with. Also, the courts seem to generally side with the mother getting custody of the kids.
As for you paying him… yeah, I don’t think so. You’ve been a stay at home mum and there is no way that you are going to be making more money than him, which, here at least, is one of the determining factors in support payments.
As for the rest… You can do it! There are jobs out there. Look into going back to school or taking courses to upgrade the skills you do have. There are actually programs out there for people who are starting over to give them a hand. We believe in you!
Find a good lawyer and be completely honest with him/her. It’s going to be a long rough road but you WILL get through it. And we’re always here when you need to talk or vent *hugs*
Thankies for all the support and good words – It’s really helped… My new mantra is
“I can do hard things”
I may not like to do hard things but they are do-able and in the long run me boyohs and I will be all the better off because I CAN do hard things.
tdm
tdm
Thankies for all the support and good words – It’s really helped… My new mantra is
“I can do hard things”
I may not like to do hard things but they are do-able and in the long run me boyohs and I will be all the better off because I CAN do hard things.
tdm
Yes, yes you can! 🙂
Unrelated – do you read Rants from Mommyland?
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