The Deterring of the Undeterrable Dandy

[Chessapeaka]

[Chessapeaka]

This is a short story I wrote a while ago, but it’s only now that I’ve gotten up the guts to spread it about. If anyone’s bored and looking for something to read… well, here you go!

It’s very lighthearted, and intended to make you smile. My biggest concern over it is that the style gets a little tiresome after the second paragraph– that it’s a little too exhuberant.

Thank you in advance to anyone who reads this! Any critique is welcome. Just let me know what you think!

Story here: http://moontiger.deviantart.com/art/The-Dandy-and-the-Fop-75427935

[Maria]

I’m going to have to finish reading it next week, after I get back from Germany. It starts out amusing and easy. The only thing that bugged me was the sudden switch to present tense when you’re describing the Fop.

[pipsxlch]

I enjoyed it very much! Well suited for each other indeed!

[Chessapeaka]

Greater Basilisk wrote:

I’m going to have to finish reading it next week, after I get back from Germany. It starts out amusing and easy. The only thing that bugged me was the sudden switch to present tense when you’re describing the Fop.

Hai! I’ll look over that bit again. There are a few choppy areas, but I sort of don’t want to prod the thing too much for fear of ruining what’s there–a fear I need to get over when editing stuff.

Thanks for reading! Please let me know what you think once you’ve made it through the whole thing.

[Maria]

It’s true you can tweak a thing so much it gets ou of shape, but believe me, that takes a lot of work. 😆

[Maria]

Okay, ideas:

In this sentence

Quote:

“Heard it in Spain,” said the Fop, who had of course never been to Spain.

I would leave out the “of course.” That would make the whole statement drier and more amusing.

You’re missing periods after

Quote:

inexplicably familiar

.

Quote:

horse’s nose

and

Quote:

breaking it

as well as a few more later on. 😉

I would change

Quote:

sympathy, I’ve heard, is man’s most common downfall.

It makes you, the narrator, a character in the story, which you’re not. “It is said” would work better.

When you say

Quote:

dying heifer

, it doesn’t really fit, since a heifer is a young female bovine, while the Dandy is male. “Calf” or “steer” would probably fit better.

I hope this helps. I enjoyed the story. You’re good at British humor.

[Chessapeaka]

Wow, thank you for all the input. Unfortunately, the missing periods must have been lost in the transition from wordperfect to deviantArt–I’ve already fixed a few others, must have missed those.

As for the other things, yep, you’re absolutely right. These are the sort of things that have to be pointed out by a second person, sometimes. I’ll fix them.

[Maria]

Yeah, I figured the periods were due to an electronic glitch. 😆

[Author]

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