- This topic has 64 replies, 1 voice, and was last updated 16 years, 9 months ago by .
-
Posts
-
Hi all…
I don’t come to the community board much…it depresses me a little to be honest, because this is where we all come to talk about real life! I’ve never been a big fan of real life…and have successfully sustained a fairly unrealistic existence to this point…but some real life is very shortly to come crashing down on me and those I love. Any advice would be wonderful.My grandmother has gotten to the point where she really needs live-in care, so she is moving out of her house and in with us. This is wonderful for me for two major reasons – one, I get to be close to my grandmother in her remaining years and two, because it is giving my mother the will to leave my father and come live with us to help me take care of my grandmother.
My father is a very bad man. He is a angry, and he is selfish, and he is controlling. My most vivid memories of him are things like him breaking my cat’s front leg and screaming at my grandmother for something trivial and knocking my mother down and kicking her all over. While he no longer physically abuses my mother, he constantly verbally and psychologically abuses her. And while he is healthy as an ox, she is terminally ill with her body falling apart around her, but he has retired and insists that she keeps working to support them both. I can’t say I don’t love him in my own way…he’s my dad, and I unfortunately only get one…but I can’t say I haven’t fantasized about his death.
That being said, I am extremely eager to help mom come away from him. The problem is she’s scared… hell, we’re both terrified. I can very clearly envision him coming here to our house with his shotgun after she has left him. I don’t know if he’s got our address or not, but chances are he does. She is scared for her life, and also for her belongings since she can’t see how to get them out of their house without him hurting them. He never goes anywhere now that he’s retired, you see…never leaves the house for more than a few hours.
The other problem is, he’s been uncharacteristically sweet lately…as though he has caught wind of what’s going through our minds. 😕 It’s certainly not making things any easier.
So if anyone has any advice for this sort of situation, I’d love to hear it…Not just physically how to get out, but how to help my mom have the courage to take that last step, because in the end she can never be free until she’s overcome her fear. I’ve been toying with the idea of contacting a battered women’s shelter for advice, but have not done so yet…
Thanks for listening, guys. Sorry to add to the sorrow and trouble on the community board…and my best wishes to all the rest who are facing tough times right now. Love and hug to you all! 😉 We’ll get through it!
"He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom."
-J R R Tolkienbe there for her when she leaves..i guarantee if hes there it will get ugly and she will need support, also have the cops on speed dial on your cell phone..i went through a similar situation when i was 13 and had to beat my father who is 6″2 with a metal music stand when he attacked my mom, this is when she devorced him and he got the papers..he threw a sterio at her and literally kept us prisoners for two weeks with no phone at all(but i hid one in my room so my mother could call for help) so yeah i know where your comming from with having an abusive father..mine used to beat me and my mother..thus my back problems..so yeah just be there for her and have more back up if need be
Oh absolutely. I’m scared stiff just thinking about it, but I absolutely intend to be there. And my husband with me, and maybe another friend or two. And maybe a can of mace or something. It’s very interesting to me…my husband makes me feel safe and untouchable in everything except this…Nothing in the world seems strong enough to stand between me and my fathers wrath. Sorry to hear you’ve experienced this…I wish no one had to experience this.
"He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom."
-J R R Tolkieni survived alot when i lived with my parents but hey im still here..and i recomend taking some kind of blunt object as well beings mace doesnt always work on someone who is enraged
Mos def get the police on speed dial. Also, I dont recommend waiting to call the shelter. They deal with stuff like this everyday and would be the best ones to offer advice on how to help your mom. That your dad has turned sweet instead of violent since he may have caught wind of this is great. Not saying it will last, but it is better than violent and threatening. Will your mom consider divorce? Is she able to do it? The worst thing is going to be convincing her to stick to her guns and not go back to him. Speaking of guns… thats not such a bad idea. Just in case… I still say contact the shelters, if only for information and maybe some counseling tips…
Thought this link might help: http://charityguide.org/volunteer/fifteen/battered-women.htm
guns..good idea…my preference is a 454 cassul (hand gun used for hunting moose::wish i was old enough to own one back when i was living with MY father ::Grumbles::
The .454 Casull is overkill in this case, but it’s an awesome caliber. I suggest .357 Magnum or .38 Special for less kick. .38s are easy to conceal and are excellent self-defense weapons, especially for women. Ski’s right – if you feel threatened, get a gun.
i dotn care if its overkill i wanna blow his entire head and most of his upper half off (fired one a couple years back..sprained my wrist due tot he kick..well that and im thin as a twig)
It might be a good idea to contact the shelter and document that you looked for help in this situation. Should it turn bad and someone got hurt, then you’ll have back-up that you tried a peaceful separation. I expect that the shelter will be able to inform you regarding any legal issues that you might encounter. And also, what you can do to keep him away from you and your mother.
Going there as a group to pick up your mom’s stuff is great; I think violent people aren’t as much likely to become so in “public”, hence why some people cannot believe a man they know could beat his wife.
But consulting with a shelter should definitely be first and foremost on your to-do list. I would also inquire you if you can be accompanied by a police officer when you go, not just wait until things get bad – though it may give the wrong idea.
Arlla, Dracomancer, I am so sorry you had to live through this. Makes me wish I could go back in time and get you both adopted in my family! But from what I can tell with what I read here, you both became great persons – and artists!
Read my books! Volume 1 and 2 of A Dragon Medley are available now.
http://www.sarahjestin.com/mybooks.htm
I host the feedback lists, which are maintained by drag0nfeathers.
http://www.sarahjestin.com/feedbacklists.htm*sigh* How awful for both of you! I’m glad you survived all that, Draco. Arlla, I would def. contact the shelter. They should be able to help you and give you advice. I would also have a cop present for the move, if possible. A restraining order might help, too.
I’ll be thinking good thoughts for you. We’re here for you! *hugs*
Maybe I’m misreading the conversation but are you guys talking about having a gun around during the situation? If so, I think that’s a really bad idea, because guns automatically up the violence level and there’s a chance you could lose control over the gun, then what? I have read that in the majority of house invasion incidents, where someone tried to defend the house with a gun, they ended up being shot with their own gun when it ended up being wrestled out of their hands. I would hate for that to happen :/
I think calling the police, getting help from the shelter and having some non-family members help with the move will be more helpful. Just outnumber him as best you can! Goodluck with the move, whatever way you choose to do it!
I wish I had some advice to help, I think the gun is a bit of a wild card and may be a help but has the potential to become a major risk. Go prepared for trouble, if there are previous police reports against him perhaps the local police wouldn’t mind helping you move her out, a restraining order may be a good idea as well. *hugs* hang in there and let us know. 🙂
Contact the shelter! They will have all kinds of info for you. They can assist you with a restraining order against him. Contact your local police dept and see if they will assist your when you move your mothers things out. Your mom needs to be strong! Most women never take action to get away from an abusive person because they are made to feel like they cannot do anything and are powerless and worthless!
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
