- This topic has 278 replies, 1 voice, and was last updated 15 years, 1 month ago by .
-
Posts
-
ANNOUNCING THE 2008 DARWIN AWARD WIENERS!
THE DARWIN AWARDS: A Chronicle of Enterprising Demises.
Honoring those individuals who improve the human race…
by accidentally removing themselves from it!Celebrate Charles Darwin’s 200th Birthday on February 12, 2009.
———— ——— ——— ——— —–+— +-+—+-+ -+-+-+2008 Darwin Award Winner: BALLOON PRIEST (Padre Baloneiro)
Confirmed.April 2008, Atlantic Ocean | A Catholic priest ascended to heaven on a host
of helium party balloons, paying homage to Lawn Chair Larry’s aerial
adventure. Larry, the beloved survivor of a Darwin-worthy fiasco, attached
45 helium weather balloons to his lawnchair, packed a picnic lunch, and cut
the tether–but instead of drifting above the Los Angeles landscape as
planned, he was rocketed into LAX air traffic lanes by the lift of the
weather balloons. Astoundingly, Larry survived the flight.Adelir Antonio, 51, was not so lucky.
His audacious attempt to set a world record for clustered balloon flight was
intended to publicize his plan to build a spiritual rest stop for truckers.
But, as truckers know, sitting for 19 hours in a lawn chair is not a trivial
matter even in the comfort of your own backyard. The priest took numerous
safety precautions, including wearing a survival suit, selecting a buoyant
chair, and packing a satellite phone and a GPS. However, the late Adelir
Antonio made a fatal mistake.He did not know how to use the GPS.
The winds changed, as winds do, and he was blown inexorably toward open sea.
He could have parachuted to safety while over land, but chose not to. When
the voyager was perilously lost at sea, he prudently phoned for help–but
rescuers were unable to determine his location, since he could not use his
GPS. He struggled with the unit as the charge on the satellite phone
dwindled.Instead of a GPS, the priest let God be his guide, and God guided him
straight to heaven. Bits of balloons began appearing on mountains and
beaches. Ultimately the priest’s body surfaced, confirming that he, like
Elvis, had left the building.The kicker? It’s a Double Darwin. Catholic priests take vows of celibacy.
Since they voluntarily remove themselves from the gene pool, the entire
group earns a mass Darwin Award. Adelir Antonio wins twice over!Reader comment: “There but for the grace of Tecumseh…”
See a photo: http://DarwinAwards.com/darwin/darwin2008- 16.html———— ——— ——— ——— —–+— +-+—+-+ -+-+-+
“We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.”
–Benjamin Franklin
———— ——— ——— ——— —–+— +-+—+-+ -+-+-+2008 Darwin Award Runner Up: A ONE TRACK MIND
Confirmed.July 2008, Italy | Gerhard, 68, was queued at a traffic light in his Porsche
Cayenne sportscar. Before one reaches the light, there is a railroad
crossing, and Gerhard had not let the queue progress forward far enough
before he drove onto the tracks. As you might imagine, given Murphy’s Law,
a train was coming.The safety bars came down, leaving the Porsche trapped on the rails.
According to witnesses, it took the driver awhile to realize he was stuck.
Finally he jumped from the car and started to run–straight toward the
oncoming train, waving his arms in an attempt to save his sportscar!The attempt was partly successful. The car received less damage than its
owner, who landed 30 meters away. Attempts to revive him were unsuccessful.The moral of the story? Momentum always wins.
Pithy Comments: http://DarwinAwards.com/darwin/darwin2008- 17.html
———— ——— ——— ——— —–+— +-+—+-+ -+-+-+
“Life is tough, but it’s tougher when you’re stupid.” –John Wayne
———— ——— ——— ——— —–+— +-+—+-+ -+-+-+2008 Darwin Award Runner Up: THOU SHALT NOT STEEL
Confirmed.March 2008, Czech Republic | Steel is valuable, especially the especially
the high-grade alloy used in steel cable. Scrap metal dealers do not ask
questions. They pay in cash. And a good supply of steel cable can be found
in elevator shafts.This particular gold mine was a towering shaft inside an empty granary near
Zatec, forty miles northwest of Prague. The cable was tightly fastened, and
the far end of it disappeared into the shadowy distance above.After substantial wear and tear on a hacksaw, our man finally cut through
the strong steel cable. At that instant the counterbalance, no longer held
in check, started to move silently downward, accelerating until it reached
the bottom of the shaft.Result: one proud winner of a “terminal velocity” Darwin Award.
R.I.P.
“Do not steel or you will get the shaft.”
More Puns: http://DarwinAwards.com/darwin/darwin2008- 08.html———— ——— ——— ——— —–+— +-+—+-+ -+-+-+
“Think of it as evolution in action.”
———— ——— ——— ——— —–+— +-+—+-+ -+-+-+2008 Darwin Award Runner Up: ON THE PISTE
Confirmed.February 2008, Italy | David, 46, was sliding down an Italian ski slope one
night, riding on padding that he had removed from the safety barriers at the
bottom of the run. It did not occur to him that it might be dangerous to
sled down the same slope from which he had stolen protective padding.Sauze d’Oulx is one of five villages that make up the “Milky Way” ski area
in northern Italy. Popular with British skiers, the resort is known for its
party atmosphere. A ski resort spokesperson said, “The men had all been
drinking when they tore off the padding, and ironically.. .”…they careened straight into the bare barriers at the bottom of the piste
(groomed slope). David died from head and chest injuries inflicted by the
unpadded metal. Two of his friends survived with medical attention. Another
Darwin Award candidate is still missing after he wandered away “bloodied
and distressed.”http://DarwinAwards.com/darwin/darwin2008- 07.html
———— ——— ——— ——— —–+— +-+—+-+ -+-+-+
“No drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society.
If we’re looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn’t test
people for drugs. We should test them for stupidity.”- -P.J.O’Rou
———— ——— ——— ——— —–+— +-+—+-+ -+-+-+2008 Darwin Award Runner Up: CLOTHESLINED!
Confirmed.January 2008, Florida | Wearing only swim trunks and sneakers, a 37-year-old
man raced his motorcycle toward the Manasota Key drawbridge. As the bridge
began to open, it was clear that he intended to “shoot the gap.” Bridge
designers had anticipated such lunacy and invented the crossing guard. The
closing gates swept him off his Suzuki, over the side of the bridge, into
the water, and out of the gene pool. By a twist of fate the motorcycle
continued up the ramp and made it across to the other side.http://www.darwinaw ards.com/darwin/darwin2008-13.html
———— ——— ——— ——— —–+— +-+—+-+ -+-+-+
2008 Darwin Award Runner-Up: PIERCED!
Confirmed.January 2008, Pennsylvania | A 23-year-old man with various body piercings
decided to have some fun at work. He wondered, “What it would feel like to
connect the electronic control tester to my chest piercings?” Several
coworkers tried to convince him that it was a bad idea to wire himself up to
the electronic device, but he ignored their pleas.He proceeded to connect two alligator clips to his metal nipple piercings,
one on each side, and hit the test button…
His coworkers were still trying to revive him with CPR and rescue breathing
when police and rescue personnel arrived. They were not successful.http://www.darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2008-03.html
———— ——— ——— ——— —–+— +-+—+-+ -+-+-+
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions
do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask
questions?” -Scott Adams
———— ——— ——— ——— —–+— +-+—+-+ -+-+-+We just love the things little kids say ~ a reminder that adult words are often taken literally…..”Circumcised” (this is priceless!)
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on.He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal’s office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his “private part” hanging out.
“I thought I told you to call your mom!” she said.
“I did,” he said, “And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she’d come and pick me up from school.”
Sometime this year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. No, they are borrowing it from China. Your children are expected to repay the Chinese.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn’t that stimulating the economy of China?
A. “Shut up.”Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.
If you spend it on gasoline it will go to Hugo Chavez, the Arabs and Al Quada.
If you purchase a computer it will go to Taiwan.
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, Chile, and Guatemala.
If you buy a car it will go to Japan and Korea.
If you purchase prescription drugs it will go to India.
If you purchase heroin it will go to the Taliban in Afghanistan.
If you give it to a charitable cause, it will go to Nigeria.
And none of it will help the American economy. We need to keep that money here in America. You can keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend it on prostitutes, beer (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still in the US.Doggie Dictionary
LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.
DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL: A liquid which, when combined with sad eyes, forces humans to give you their food. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and get the drool on the human.
SNIFF: A social custom used to greet other dogs, similar to the human exchange of business cards.
GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards. The person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. It is important to evenly distribute its contents
throughout the house before your person comes home.BATH: If you find something especially good to roll in, humans get jealous, and they use this degrading form of torture to get even.
Be sure to shake only when next to a person or a piece of furniture.LEAN: Every good dog’s response to the command “sit!,” especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective
before black-tie events.BUMP: The best way to get your human’s attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the regular bump doesn’t get the attention you require … especially effective
when combined with the sniff. See above.CHILDREN: Short humans of optimal petting height. Standing close to one assures some good petting. When running, they are good to chase. If they fall down, they are comfortable to sit on.
LOVE: A feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail.
If you’re lucky, a human will love you in return.An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, “What is this Father?”
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father said quietly to his son…”Quickly Son, Go get your mother.”
You will feel horrible for laughing at this, but it’s hilarous 😆 😆
Bizkit the sleep walking dog
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z2BgjH_CtIA
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
