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Questions that haunt me…
Can you cry under water?
Depends what gets caught in the drain suction.How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Important enough to be impeachedWhy do you have to “put your two cents in”… but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?
People talk more than they think.Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
You’re getting a new body, flaunt it.Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
When was the last time you folded a round box?What disease did cured ham actually have?
Mad Pig Disease (Trust me, the pig wasn’t at all happy about being slaughtered.)How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
It’s amazing what you can do when you don’t have to pack for the trip.Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?
Because they look so cute and innocent when they are asleep, until they wake up and annoy everyone around them.If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Yes, because the court provides an interpreter as a hearing aideWhy are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?
Movies are pictures. TV’s are the frames. (In the case of re-runs, they’re the Rack.)Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
To check the parking meter.Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.
To protect their hearing from the screech when you look in the mirror.Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?
Because the first gets one long stare and the second gets two hands.Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
It’s the easiest way to test the smoke alarm.If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
It’s a drinking song, of course it’s stupid and no one caresCan a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
Only if the corpse is still alive.Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!
How else would Goofy always manage to trip over his own two feet?If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
Did you ever see him actually pay for that the stuff? Think consumer testing, dear.If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
Baby Dinosaurs (Next time, don’t ask if you don’t want the answer)If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
No, MorelsDo the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
They have a tune?Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Because what I call singing, some people call tryingWhy do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your butt?
Because one hurts in coming and the other just bloody well hurts.Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Sounds like you have a personal hygiene problem .Anyone that has ever been “owned” by a cat or owned a dog should get a kick out of this one.
DOG DIARY
8:00 am – Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am – A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am – A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am – Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM – Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM – Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM – Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM – Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM – Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM – Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM – Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!CAT DIARY
Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a ‘good little hunter’ I am. Jerks! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies”. I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow — but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released – and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.Judas Asparagus
A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.
This was amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes.
I wonder how often we take for granted that childrenunderstand
what we are teaching???Through the eyes of a child:
The Children’s Bible in a NutshellIn the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was
nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says,
‘The Lord thy God is one, but I think He was a lot older than that.Anyway, God said, ‘Give me a light!’ and someone did.
Then God made the world.He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked,
but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been
invented yet.Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad
apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.
Not sure what they were driven in though, because I don’t beleive they had cars.Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long
as he was Abel.Pretty soon all of the early people died
off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy,
but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a
large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked
some other people to join him, but they said they would
have to take a rain check.After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more
famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his
birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son
named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was
Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt
and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on
Pharaoh’s people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice,
bowels, and no cable.God fed the Israel Lights every day
with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments.
These include: don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your
neighbor’s stuff.Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more:
Humor thy father and thy mother.One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua who was the first
Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and
the fence fell over on the town.After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a
giant with a slingshot He had a son named Solomon who had
about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise,
but that doesn’t sound very wise to me.After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.
One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then
barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league
prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the
star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn.( I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying
to me, ‘Close the door! Were you born in a barn?’ It would
be nice to say, ‘As a matter of fact, I was.’ )
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like
the Pharisees and the Democrats.Jesus also had twelve opossums.
The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they
named a terrible vegetable after him.Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and leotards and even
preached to some Germans on the Mount.But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before
Pontiac the Pilot. Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.
He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the
Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.WOMAN’S POEM
He
didn’t like the casserole
And
he didn’t like my cake.
He
said my biscuits were too hard…
Not
like his mother used to make.
I
didn’t perk the coffee right,
He
didn’t like the stew,
I
didn’t mend his socks
The
way his mother used to do.
I
pondered for an answer,
I
was looking for a clue.
Then
I turned around and smacked the sh*t out of him…
The
way his mother used to
do.
XD XDA newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to “Where do pets come from?”
Adam and Eve said, “Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.”
And God said, “I will create a companion for you who will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.”
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, “Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.”
And God said, “I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.”
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, “Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.”
And God said, “I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.”
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat’s eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn’t care one way or the other.
How to Give a Cat a Pill
****Note: please do not do any of these actions with your cat****
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. ;Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little ba——d’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
Oh, that one was good!
Read my books! Volume 1 and 2 of A Dragon Medley are available now.
http://www.sarahjestin.com/mybooks.htm
I host the feedback lists, which are maintained by drag0nfeathers.
http://www.sarahjestin.com/feedbacklists.htmSharing Peanuts!!!
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, ‘Why don’t you eat the peanuts yourself?
We can’t chew them because we’ve no teeth,’ she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, ‘Why do you buy them, then?’
The old lady replied, ‘We just love the chocolate around them.’
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