Jokes and Email Sharing Part 2

[Tara]

😆 at #15 XD

[Maria]

That Naomi kid is smart. That’s how I got Retta. 😀

[Laurie]

What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Walter and his wife, Ann, listened to the instructor declare, ‘It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.’

He then addressed the men, ‘Can you name and describe your wife’s favorite flower?’

Walter leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered, ‘Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn’t it?’

And thus began Walter’s life of celibacy.

[Bob]

that was a trick question!!!

[Adaneth]

Poor Walter! He deserves some credit! How many husbands get chewed out for bringing back the wrong kind of pudding…or flour, or other ‘simple’ cooking ingredient! 😥 😉

[Jasmine]

Heck, I’d give my bf points if he could remember something like that. How many husbands pay that much attention to the little things?

[Laurie]

This may have been on here before, but I thought I’d put it up because I thought it might be appropriate because of what I started the other day. 😈

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of tra ns fats I have consumed over the years.

I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face… disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don’t support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can’t buy gas from certain gas companies!

I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician . .

;

Oh, by the way…..
A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.

[Laurie]

Oh yeah, It’s that time again!!!!!

http://www.noradsanta.org/en/home.html

[Tara]

Hehe, those are great! 😀

2Huberts wrote:

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face… disfiguring me for life.

I’ve have had microwaved water blow up before. Once it blew up ALL over the microwave and I was like “What the..?”. I took it out set it on the counter and it blew up again all over my hand. ouch! Needless to say I’m slightly paranoid now about microwaved water. I usually use a cup as much as twice as big as it needs to be and I set it down hard and take my hand away fast to get any exposive bubbles out. Though I’m happy to say I’ve never had the water escape the cup since. (Sometimes I get some bubbles race to the top of the water but not explosively)

[Kristen]

FlamingDragon wrote:

Hehe, those are great! 😀

2Huberts wrote:

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face… disfiguring me for life.

I’ve have had microwaved water blow up before. Once it blew up ALL over the microwave and I was like “What the..?”. I took it out set it on the counter and it blew up again all over my hand. ouch! Needless to say I’m slightly paranoid now about microwaved water. I usually use a cup as much as twice as big as it needs to be and I set it down hard and take my hand away fast to get any exposive bubbles out. Though I’m happy to say I’ve never had the water escape the cup since. (Sometimes I get some bubbles race to the top of the water but not explosively)

If you’re gonna microwave it, do so in an old cup and, if you’re making tea or another powdered drink add it first (the powder or teabag). Gives an outlet for the water to boil. The blowing up is just superheating and an explosive release of energy is given off when something jarrs the cup.

Oh crap. Sciencey stuff! *runs and hides in the corner*

[Tara]

Lol 😀 no need to hide I’m a science person. I use glass measuring cups (that may be older than I am) to heat water in the microwave. I know now (I *think* I was around 12 when it happened) that the exploding water is from trapped energy at the bottom of the cup which is why I jarr the cup to release it. (I don’t like putting whatever I’m making in the microwave with the water, it tastes different and I’m fussy and a bit OCD)

[Laurie]

Sorry Santa!!! 😕

REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should’ve known……

ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

[Adaneth]

XD XD XD

[vanquish]

2Huberts wrote:

Sorry Santa!!! 😕

REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should’ve known……

ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

Yeah but now we know why Santa only goes out once a year. Imagine being drug around the world from rooftop to rooftop by all those women harping on him the whole time as to who is supposed to get what. 🙂

[Jasmine]

And nagging him not to eat all those cookies…they’re just so fattening!! 😆

[Author]

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