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Jasmine wrote:
But it’s only approximately $536.49. What is the variable amount?? 😈
Dragon87 = Not a math person. I had to have my fiancee explain it to me. So *confused by the question*
Subject: WINTER BLONDE
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out
of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.The trucker lowers the window, and she says ‘Hi, my name is Heather and
you are losing some of your load.’The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they’ve never spoken, the
blonde says brightly, ‘Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of
your load!’Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the
street.At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on
the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says ‘Hi,
my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!’When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next
light.When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs
back to the blonde.He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says…
‘Hi, my name is Kevin, it’s winter in North Dakota and I’m driving the
SALT TRUCK!’GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, you’re It.
2.. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says – something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE :
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids’ names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go a long.
3. Getting a little action means you don’t need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
Thoughts for the weekend:
Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press ‘Ctr- Alt- Delete’ and start all over?
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called ‘labor!’
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Ponderisms
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?’
Who was the first person to say, ‘See that chicken there? I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.’
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he’s going to look up there anyway?
But Most Of All, Remember!
A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra: Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!
Those are great! 😆 Though I’m only in my 30’s and I already have trouble with finding the car in the parking lot! 😳 😉
Not funny, but a great poem anyway.
A Different Christmas Poem
[See the attached file]The The embers glowed softly, and in their dim light,
I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight.
My wife was asleep, her head on my chest,
My daughter beside me, angelic in rest.
Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white,
Transforming the yard to a winter delight.
The sparkling lights in the tree I believe,
Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve.
My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep,
Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep.
In perfect contentment, or so it would seem,
So I slumbered, perhaps I started to dream.
The sound wasn’t loud, and it wasn’t too near,
But I opened my eyes when it tickled my ear.
Perhaps just a cough, I didn’t quite know, Then the
sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.
My soul gave a tremble, I struggled to hear,
And I crept to the door just to see who was near.
Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night,
A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight.
A soldier, I puzzled, some twenty years old,
Perhaps a Marine, huddled here in the cold.
Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled,
Standing watch over me, and my wife and my child.
‘What are you doing?’ I asked without fear,
‘Come in this moment, it’s freezing out here!
Put down your pack, brush the snow from your sleeve,
You should be at home on a cold Christmas Eve!’
For barely a moment I saw his eyes shift,
Away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts.
To the window that danced with a warm fire’s light
Then he sighed and he said ‘Its really all right,
I’m out here by choice. I’m here every night.’
‘It’s my duty to stand at the front of the line,
That separates you from the darkest of times.
No one had to ask or beg or implore me,
I’m proud to stand here like my fathers before me.
My Gramps died at ‘ Pearl on a day in December,’
Then he sighed, ‘That’s a Christmas ‘Gram always remembers.’
My dad stood his watch in the jungles of ‘ Nam ‘,
And now it is my turn and so, here I am.
I’ve not seen my own son in more than a while,
But my wife sends me pictures, he’s sure got her smile.
Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag,
The red, white, and blue… an American flag.
I can live through the cold and the being alone,
Away from my family, my house and my home.
I can stand at my post through the rain and the sleet,
I can sleep in a foxhole with little to eat.
I can carry the weight of killing another,
Or lay down my life with my sister and brother..
Who stand at the front against any and all,
To ensure for all time that this flag will not fall.’
‘ So go back inside,’ he said, ‘harbor no fright,
Your family is waiting and I’ll be all right.’
‘But isn’t there something I can do, at the least,
‘Give you money,’ I asked, ‘or prepare you a feast?
It seems all too little for all that you’ve done,
For being away from your wife and your son.’
Then his eye welled a tear that held no regret,
‘Just tell us you love us, and never forget.
To fight for our rights back at home while we’re gone,
To stand your own watch, no matter how long.
For when we come home, either standing or dead,
To know you remember we fought and we bled.
Is payment enough, and with that we will trust,
That we mattered to you as you mattered to us.’
PLEASE, would you do me the kind favor of sending this to as many
people as you can? Christmas will be coming soon and some credit is due to our
U.S service men and women for our being able to celebrate these
festivities. Let’s try in this small way to pay a tiny bit of what we owe. Make people
stop and think of our heroes, living and dead, who sacrificed themselves for us.
LCDR Jeff Giles, SC, USN
30th Naval Construction Regiment
OIC, Logistics Cell One
Al Taqqadum, Iraq
That poem makes me tear up every year. 😳
Hope this doesn’t offend anyone:
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe , well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece , gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel , has been through war and doesn’t make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada , self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet , wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages…only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran ,
Ruled by Nuts.
GOTTA PEE
Two women friends had gone for a girl’s night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten overly-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the woman’s husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: ‘These girl nights out have got to stop!! I’m starting to suspect the worst my wife came home with no panties!!’
‘That’s nothing’ said the other husband, ‘Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that said……
‘From all of us at the Fire Station. We’ll never forget you.”
ADVICE FROM CHILDREN
1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. – Patrick, age> 10
2. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. -> Kyoyo, 9.
3. Never tell your mom her diet’s not working. -> Michael, 14
4. Stay away from prunes. – Randy, 9
5. When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her> brush your hair. -Taylia, 11
6. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same> room as your school assignment. – Traci, 14
7. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic> tac. – Andrew, 9
8. When your dad is mad and asks you, “Do I look> stupid?” don’t answer him. – Michael, 14
9. You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of> milk. – Armir, 9
10. Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white> shorts. – Kellie, 11
11. If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a> horse. -Naomi, 15
12. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. -> Lauren, 9
13. Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding> a baseball bat. – Joel, 10
14. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your> mom when she’s on the phone. – Alyesha, 13
15. Never try to baptize a cat. – Eileen, 8
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