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I came across this recently and realized that I had kept it for 35 years and it still makes me laugh until I hurt!! It’s a series of letters, each one on a different page. I adjusted the “spelling” a little, I know this is a family forum!
Page 1
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 14, 1974′Dear John,
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift! I couldn’t have been more surprised.
With deepest love and devotion,Agnes
Page 2
December 15
Dearest John,
Today the postman brought your sweet gift. Just imagine–two turtle doves! I am delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.All my love,
Agnes
Page 3
December 16, 1974
Dear John,
Oh! Aren’t you the extravagant one! Now really, I must protest. I don’t deserve such generousity–three french hens. They are darling, but I must insist — You’ve been too kind.Love,
Agnes
Page 4
December 17, 1974Dear John,
Today the postman delivered four Calling birds. Now, really, they’re beautiful, but don’t you think enough is enough? You’re being too romantic.Affectionately,
Agnes
Page 5
December 18, 1974
Dear John,
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You’re impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.All my love,
Agnes
Page 6
December 19,1974
Dear John,
When I opened the door, there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you’re back to the birds again, huh? These geese are huge! Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can’t sleep through the racketPlease stop
Agnes
Page 7
December 20,1974
John,
What’s with you and these f—ing birds? Seven swans a-swimming! What kind of G–damn joke is this? There’s bird sh– all over my house and they never stop the racket. I can’t sleep at night and I’m a nervous wreck. It’s not funny, so stop with the f—ing birds.Sincerely,
Agnes
Page 8
December 21, 1974
OK, Buster,
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? It’s not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their G–damn cows. There’s sh– all over the lawn and I can’t move in my own house. Just lay off, smartness!Agnes
Page 9
December 22, 1974
Hey, sh–head,
What are you, some kind of sadist? Now there’s nine pipers playing and Christ do they play!! They’ve never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and and they’re stepping all over the screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.You’ll get yours,
Agnes
Page 10
December 23, 1974
You rotten pr—,
Now there’s ten ladies dancing. I don’t know why I call those sluts ladies. They’ve been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can’t sleep and they have diahrrea. My living room is a river of sh–, and the Commissioner of Buildings has subpoened me to show cause why the building shouldn’t be condemned.I’m siccing the police on you,
One who means it
Page 11
December 24,1974
Listen, F—head,
What’s with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and are committing sodomy with the cows. All 23 of the birds are dead. They’ve been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you’re satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
Page 12
Law Offices
Badger, Bender, and Cahole
303 Knave St.
Denver, Colorado
December 25, 1974Dear Sir,
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction of course was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.Sincerely,
Badger, Bender, and Cahole.
Just typing it up made me laugh some more. I hope you enjoy it too.
Why Parents Drink
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper. ” Hello ? ”
“Is your daddy home?” he asked.
” Yes ,” whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?”
The child whispered, ” No .”
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”
“Yes.”
“May I talk with her?”
Again the small voice whispered, ” No .”
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, “Is anybody else there?”
” Yes ,” whispered the child, ” a policeman “.
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”
” No, he’s busy “, whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?”
” Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ,” came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
” A helicopter ” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, ” The search team just landed a helicopter .”
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle…
” ME .”
twindragonsmum XD XD
tdm
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat between them.
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.
The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a ‘Sniffer dog’. ‘His name is Smithy and he’s the best there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.’
The plane takes off, and once it has leveled, the agent says: Watch this.’ He tells Smithy to ‘search’.
Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent’s arm.
The agent says, ‘Good boy’, and he turns to the man and says: ‘That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making a note of her seat
number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.’‘Say, that’s pretty neat,’ replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent’s arm.
The agent says, ‘That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making note of his seat number for the police.’
‘I like it!’ says his seat mate.
The agent then tells Smithy to ‘search’ again.
Smithy walks up and down the aisls for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to poop all over the place.
The first man is really astounded by this behavior and can’t figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent:
‘What’s going on?’
The agent nervously replies, ‘He just found a bomb.’
This made me laugh so hard; I hope no one considers this inappropriate. I can take it down otherwise.
ATLANTA AIRPORT
Atlanta ATC: “Tower to Saudi Air 511 — You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R.”
Saudi Air: “Thank you Atlanta ATC.. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel’s runway 9R – Allah be Praised.”
Atlanta ATC: “Tower to Iran Air 711 –You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R.”
Iran Air: “Thank you Atlanta ATC.. We are cleared to land on infidel’s runway 9R. – Allah is Great.”
Pause …
Saudi Air: ” ATLANTA ATC – ATLANTA ATC!”
Atlanta ATC: “Go ahead Saudi Air 511.”
Saudi Air: “YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE .. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE!”
Atlanta ATC: “Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus! Y’all be careful now and tell Allah “Hey” for us..”
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