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SIPPING VODKA
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, ‘When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.’
So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the ‘Big T.’
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, ‘Take this and eat it for it is my body.’ He did not say ‘Eat me’.
12)The Virgin Mary is not called ‘Mary with the Cherry’.
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.
*SNORK, SNORK, SNORK and double SNORK* …peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s 😮 😮 😮 BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
twindragonsmum XD
tdm
My Dad-in-law sent this one…
We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I’m mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
It seems as though I hadn’t remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I’m standing there, I’ve got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still.
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ.. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you’re all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I’m about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can’t let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences … but Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I’m thinking I’m going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
‘Damn!,’ I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think ‘Oh God please die … Pleeeeaze die’. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner’s right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day … he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don’t know how I got loose from the wire …
I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don’t understand this???).
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
*SNORK, CHOKE, WHEEZE, REPEAT!!!!!!!*
tdm
XD XD XD That was halirous! There was a story that was sent me about a man testing out a zapper he got for his wife on his thigh. Pretty much the same results. XD XD
Teachers and Cops: Get ready to laugh.
These are actual comments made on students’ report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a ‘full six-pack’ but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter’s IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
11. It’s impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
13. ‘You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.’
14. ‘Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.’
15. ‘If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.’
16. ‘If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.’
17. ‘Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.’
18. ‘You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?’
19. ‘Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift
supervisor?’
20. ‘Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket. ‘
21. ‘The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?’
22. ‘Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.’
23. ‘Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.’
24. ‘In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.’
25. ‘How big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?’
26. ‘No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.’
27. ‘I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.’AND THE WINNER IS….
‘You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.’Ouch! XD
Here’s two doggy ones.
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk’s hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.
“Guess what, sir?” the clerk said. “I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we’ve had so long!”
“Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?” the manager asked.
“That’s the one!”
“That’s great!” the manager cried, “I thought we’d never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we’ve ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?”
“Oh,” the clerk replied, “after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me.”******************************************************
A little boy was practicing the violin in the living room while his mother was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of the violin reached the dog’s ears, he began to howl loudly. The mother listened to the dog and the violin as long as she could. Then she jumped up, dropped her paper to the floor, and shouted above the noise, “For goodness’ sake, can’t you play something the dog doesn’t know?”
I had my son’s school teacher once tell me “now I NEVER believe in giving a child an “F” in Art, but if I did–he would get an “F”. XD XD XD
Jasmine–love the comments of the teachers and cops–it sounds like it would belong in a column ‘things you would like to say…’ Nothing like brutal honesty! 😈
Okay, I’ve been inspired so here goes:
A woman went into a sporting goods store to buy a rod and a reel for her boyfriend’s upcoming birthday. Unfortunately, when she got to the store she found that the rod and reel cost a bit more than she had. So she stuffs the reel down her blouse but it rolled out. When she bent over to pick it up, she farts. She straightens up and stuffs the reel down her blouse again.
Well, unbeknowns to her, the clerk was watching her all this time. When she gets to the check register he says “Okay, it’ll be $10 for the rod, $5 for that reel you have stuffed down your blouse and $2.50 for that duck call where ever you’re hiding that!”
In a monastery where the monks were known for their quiet, austere lifestyle and celibacy, a young monk was faithfully copying an old text onto new paper. He made a small mistake and had to redo the entire page. The error was repaired in short order, but it made him wonder, what if other people in the past had mistakes copying the sacred texts? Worried, he brought his concern to the Abbot.
The elderly Abbot smiled approvingly and said, “Your concern is wise. I will go to our archives and compare our current copies to our most ancient manuscripts. Then we will know for sure.”
The next morning, no one could find the Abbot. The young monk remembered his mention of the archives, and so he and the other monks rushed over there, worried as the Abbot was rather frail.
They found him sitting at a table, an ancient, dusty tome open before him. Tears streamed down his gentle face. Alarmed, they asked what was wrong, and the Abbot weakly gestured to the book. “It says celebrate.”
Wow, it’s been a while.
A English salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan…
Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day’s meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.‘I’m afraid not, sir,’ the clerk told him apologetically, ‘but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.’
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.
Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, ‘Manicures, $20.00’. ‘Why not?’ thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a sign that read, ‘This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.’
The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off..
With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit… which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.
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