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26 Ways to tell when you are Grown!
1.6:00a.m. is when you get up,not go to bed
2.Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question
3.Your house plants are alive and not for entertainment purposes
4.You keep more food than beer in the fridge
5.You hear your favorite song in the elevator
6.You watch the weather channel
7.Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up
8.You go from 120days vacation to 14
9.Jeans and sweater no longer qualify as being dressed up
10.You are the one calling the police on the noisy party next door
11.Older relatives feel comfortable telling you sex jokes
12.You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes
13.Your car insurance payments go down and your car payment goes up
14.You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s leftovers
15.Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt
16.You take naps
17.Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one
18.Eating chicken wings at 3:00am would severly upset instead of settle your stomach
19.You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and ant-acids instead of condoms and pregnancy tests
20.A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer”good stuff”
21.You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time
22.”I just can’t drink the way I used to”replaces”God,I’m never going to drink again”
23.90%of the time you spend in front of the computer is for real work
24.You drink at home to save money instead of going out to the bar
25.When you find out your friend says she is pregnant and you congratulate them instead of saying”Oh snap!How the hell did that happen?”
26.You realize that your parents DID know what they were talking about!Every act matters.No matter how small💞
(Wanted......Brimstone Lap)
Male Hearth....one day🤞Dream on.Ha! Those are great. 😆
Here’s one.
Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
…
…
…
It was in-tents.*flees*
*** Don’s Wisdom
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed, “Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me.”
“But grandpa I really don’t like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead.”
“You lisina to me, some a day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple od bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, ‘TIMES UP’?”
Read my books! Volume 1 and 2 of A Dragon Medley are available now.
http://www.sarahjestin.com/mybooks.htm
I host the feedback lists, which are maintained by drag0nfeathers.
http://www.sarahjestin.com/feedbacklists.htmAn Old Farmer’s Advice:
* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
*Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
*Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered…not yelled.
* Meanness don’t jes’ happen overnight.
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
* It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t Never gonna happen anyway.
* Don’t judge folks by their relatives.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get
older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.* Don’t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t bothering you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.
* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
* The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever
have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin’.* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a
lot that comes from bad judgment.* Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot
easier than puttin’ it back in.* If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some
influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply.
Speak kindly and leave the rest to God.tdm
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the baby’s father. He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, they found the UPS man dead on the porch.
The Story of Four Horse
A man asked an American Indian what was his wife’s name.
He replied, “She called Four Horse”.
The man said, “That’s an unusual name for your wife.
What does it mean?”The Old Indian answered, “It old Indian Name. It mean,
NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!”
twindragonsmum 😀
tdm
Just One of Those Days
A guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, ‘What’cha gonna do about it?’
The poor little guy starts crying.
‘Come on man! I was just giving you a hard time,’ the biker says. ‘I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying..’
‘This is the worst day of my life,’ says the little guy between sobs…I can’t do anything right.
‘I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me.
‘When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don’t have any insurance.
‘I left my wallet in the cab I took home.
‘I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me.
‘So, I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison!’
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a ‘gripe sheet,’ which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.P:Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.And the best one for last:
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.I think this is a new one. No offense to anyone.
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive
double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the
contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had
been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn’t paid for them.
Helloooo………..just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean that I am
automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales
guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay
for themselves! Hellooooo? It’s been a year! I told him. There was
only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.
He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot
Okay, here’s a little story–I apologize if it was already on here but here goes:
The old man was distraught…he was in his 80s and every year he used to plant tomatoes in his garden.
But alas, the ground was too hard and he no longer had the strength to till it. If only my son Vinnie was here, he thought, everything would be all right. But Vinne was in prison so the old man wrote to him:Vinnie
I have such a problem…this will be the first time that I will not be able to plant the tomatoes. The ground is too hard for me to till. Wish you were home to help–if only you were here.Vinnie wrote back immediately:
Dad, do not even think about planting tomatoes in that garden! That’s where all the bodies are buried!
The next morning the old man was awaken at 4AM in the morning by the FBI pounding on his door. They spent a great portion of the day digging up the back yard with shovels and backhoes but they did not find any bodies. So they gave up and apologized to the old man and left.
The next day he received another letter from Vinnie
Go ahead and plant your tomatoes, pop! I did the best I could under the circumstances.
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