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Letters to God:
Pic heavy so I didnt want to spoil the thread.
1. Walking 20 minutes can add to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at £3000 per month.
2. My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60..Now he’s 97 years old…and we haven’t a clue where the hell he is.
3. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
4. The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
5. I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I’m doing..
6. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 Pounds. Haven’t lost a pound…apparently you have to actually go there.
7. Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
8. I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
9. The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they’ll say, ‘Well, he looks good doesn’t he.’
10. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
11. I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years, just getting over the hill was enough.
12 We all get heavier as we get older, because there’s a lot more information in our skulls.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.AND
13. Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.
Three nuns were walking along a path in the woods and they see a man in front of them wearing a long overcoat. As they approach, he doesn’t move and when they are close enough, he opens his coat and he has nothing on underneath. As he “flashes” them, two of the nuns have a stroke. The third one can’t reach.
Here’s one I opened just a few minutes ago. I couldn’t stop laughing!!
A little boy goes to his father and asks
“Daddy, how was I born?” The father
answers: “Well son, I guess one day
you will need to find out anyway! Your
Mom and I first got together in a chat
room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date
via e-mail with your Mom and we met
at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a
secluded room, where your mother
agreed to a download from my hard
drive. As soon as I was ready to upload,
we discovered that neither one of us had
used a firewall, and since it was too late
to hit the delete button, nine months later
a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
.
.
.
You got Male!
Doctor’s Visit
A woman went to the doctor’s office, where she was seen by a young, new doctor.
After about 4 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.
She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded,
“What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?”
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said:
“Does she still have the hiccups?”
WHAT TO WEAR AT AN IRS AUDIT
A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.
“Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper.”
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice, “Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.”
Confused, the man went to his pastor, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.
“Let me tell you a story,” replied the pastor.
“A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night.”
“Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.”
But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice, “Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.”
The man protested: “What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?”
No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed.”
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