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Joke of the Day
A woman visits a fortuneteller who tells her, “Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”
Visibly shaken, the woman takes a few deep breaths, steadies her voice and asks, “Will I be acquitted?”
THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:
1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That’s why I always wake up screaming.3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you ’cause I was pissed.5.. I thought that I could love no other
— that is until I met your brother.6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl’s
empty and so is your head.7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don’t take that paper bag off your face.8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I’m good at telling lies!9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe ‘Go to hell.’11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING
Adaneth wrote:Romance-hating me finds those absolutely splendid! 😆
I second that!!!
Read my books! Volume 1 and 2 of A Dragon Medley are available now.
http://www.sarahjestin.com/mybooks.htm
I host the feedback lists, which are maintained by drag0nfeathers.
http://www.sarahjestin.com/feedbacklists.htmThose are great! My favorite is the go to hell one. 😆
I’m not romance hating (I wouldn’t say I’m romance liking either, kinda neutral), but they’re still funny as heck!Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
Job of a lifetimeTRUE STORY: Outside Bristol Zoo there is a car park where cars and coaches can park. There was also a nice bloke with a hat and ticket machine charging cars £1 and coaches £5. This parking attendant worked there for about 25 years , then one day he didn’t turn up for work…
“Ho hum”, said Bristol Zoo management, “Better phone up Bristol City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant…”
“Er no”, said the Council, “…That car park is your responsibility…”
“Er no”, said Bristol Zoo, “The attendant was employed by you wasn’t he???”
Er NO!!!!Sitting in his villa somewhere in Spain is a very happy bloke who had been taking the car park takings for Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years…
And the rest of us are thinking… ‘Why couldn’t I have thought up something like that…’The 84 Year Old Bride
The local news station was interviewing an 84 year old lady because she had just gotten married…for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be to be marrying again at age 84, and then about her new husband’s occupation.
“He’s a funeral director” she answered.
“Interesting” the interviewer thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few minutes, needing time to reflect on all those years.After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20’s, then a circus ringmaster when she was in her 40’s, then later on a preacher when she was in her 60’s, and now, in her 80’s, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her in astonishment and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
“I say, son,” she smiled, “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go!”HAHAHAha! I love the lady’s wit, the bloke’s slyness, but most of all I love those two-liners. XD XD XD 😆
True Friendship
None of that Sissy Crap
Are you tired of those sissy ‘friendship’ poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces or angels on this card- Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.
1. When you are sad — I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue — I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile — I will know you are plotting something that I want to be involved in.
4. When you are scared — I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried — I will tell you horrible stories about how much Worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused — I will use little, tiny words.
7. When you are sick — Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don’t want whatever you have.
8. When you fall — I will probably point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
9. This is my oath…. I pledge it to the end ‘Why?’ you may ask; ‘because you are my friend’.Credit Crunch Tips
* DON’T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to “switch tracks”, simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.
* DON’T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.
* SAVE money on expensive personalised car number plates by changing your name to match your existing plate. – Mr. KVL 741GP
* DON’T waste money buying expensive binoculars; simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
* AN empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
* SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner’s hat.
* HOUSEWIVES, the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
* Telephone directories make ideal personal address books, simply cross out the names and address of people you don’t know.
* SAVE on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble-full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
* SAVE a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to the op shop. They will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty cents.
* CAN’T afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling film and press them into your eyes.
* MAKE your own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry on a window sill. Use striped toothpaste to make humbugs.
* SHOPPERS, when buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling thembefore taking them to the counter to be weighed.
Great Doctors Advice
Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise.
Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.
Want to live longer? Take a nap.Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn.
And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient
mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.
Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good!Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!! ….. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.
You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
‘Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention
of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other –
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and
screaming ‘WOO HOO, What a Ride’And For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health.
It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.😆 XD
The Little Boy’s Plight
There was a little boy who wanted to have a $100 more than anything in the world. So he asked his mother about where he could get such a sum of money.
His mother answered, “That’s a tall order and I don’t think too many people will give you a $100 so why don’t you pray to god and see if he can help you.
The little boy prayed and prayed and prayed but to no avail. He goes to his mother and says “Mom, I don’t think god can hear me because I don’t have my $100 yet.
The mother thought and then said “He is so busy listening to all the prayers from other little boys. So why you write me a letter. Maybe that will catch his attention.”
So the little boy wrote his letter making his request. He put it in an envelope and just addressed it to “GOD”, put a stamp on it and mailed it.
Well the letter gets to the post office and the employees were in such a quander as to who is god and where does god live. One of them spoke up and said, “I know. Send it to the Whitehouse.”
So the letter reaches the Whitehouse and Mr President opens the letter and is touched by what the little boy has written. He immediately tells his secretary “Send this young man a nice crisp $5 bill.” And so she does.
The little boy gets the money and sits down to write a thank you note. He writes, “Dear God, Thank you for sending me the money. But why did you send it through Washington? Those b*****ds took $95!”
Hope you enjoy–I thought it was cute! 😀
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