- This topic has 278 replies, 1 voice, and was last updated 15 years, 1 month ago by .
-
Posts
-
That’s funny, especially the way he starts circling on the floor because his legs are flailing so wildly. 😆
I just love the look on his face… Wha? Huh? Where’s the thing I was chasing and where the heck did this wall come from?
We had a cat who slept on the stairs and fell down to the next one. He had the exact same face when he woke up.
Read my books! Volume 1 and 2 of A Dragon Medley are available now.
http://www.sarahjestin.com/mybooks.htm
I host the feedback lists, which are maintained by drag0nfeathers.
http://www.sarahjestin.com/feedbacklists.htmToo cute not to share
A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of
first graders using a bowl of lifesavers.The children began to identify the flavors by their colour:
Red……………………Cherry
Yellow……………….Lemon
Green…………………Lime
Orange……………..OrangeFinally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.
‘Well,’ she said, ‘I will give you all a clue.
It’s what your mother may sometimes call your father.’
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled,
‘Oh my God!! They’re ass-holes
This was written by someone from the Toronto area, but I’m sure this is applicable pretty much anywhere…
The real Ontario Driver’s Handbook
For anyone who has commuted or even just driven on the 401 through Toronto , the 2007 version of the Ontario Driver’s Handbook has been rewritten to include the following guidance:
1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A confident Ontario driver avoids using them.
2. Under no circumstance should you maintain a safe distance between you and the car in front of you; the space will just be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less of a chance you have of getting hit.
4. Warning! Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No-one expects it and it will result in you being rear-ended.
5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork, especially with P.Q. or Maritime plates. With no fault insurance, the other operator has nothing to lose.
6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous foot massage as the brake pedal violently pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it’s a chance to strengthen your leg muscles.
7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It’s a good way to prepare other drivers entering the highway.
8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures; they are given only as a suggestion and are not enforceable in Ontario during rush hour, especially in the G.T.A.. (Greater Toronto Area)
9. Just because you’re in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn’t mean that an Ontario driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn’t think he can go faster in your spot.
10. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.
11. Learn to swerve abruptly without signaling. Ontario is the home of high-speed slalom-driving, thanks to the Department of Public Works, which puts pot-holes in key locations to test drivers’ reflexes and keep them alert.
12. It is tradition in Ontario to honk your horn at cars in front of you that do not move within three milliseconds of the light turning green.
13. To avoid injury in the event of a collision or roll-over, it is important to exit your vehicle through the windshield right away. Wearing your seat belt will only impede your hi-velocity escape from danger.
14. Remember that the goal of every Ontario driver is to get ahead of the pack by whatever means necessary.
THANK YOU
The Ontario Registrar of Motor VehiclesRead my books! Volume 1 and 2 of A Dragon Medley are available now.
http://www.sarahjestin.com/mybooks.htm
I host the feedback lists, which are maintained by drag0nfeathers.
http://www.sarahjestin.com/feedbacklists.htmProbably applicable to some degree in any major city in the world. I see one of those guidelines acted on just about any time I hit the roads…
dragonmedley wrote:The real Ontario Driver’s Handbook
The Ontario Registrar of Motor Vehicles
That pretty sums up Toronto and come to think about it Montreal too. XDThere should be one for semi drivers too….. like, when a vehicle is merging, never, under any circumstances, let him in, forcing him to brake and be hit by the car behind him. After all, we are bigger, and have right of way due to size alone! :shrug:
Subject: Fw: new diet
>> TRIP TO WAL-MART
>>
>> Yesterday I was at my local Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow
> for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when
> woman behind me asked if I had a dog. m
>>
>> What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I’m retired and have
> little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was
> starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I
> ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I
> awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my
> orifices and IVs in both arms.
>>
>> I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
> works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one
> or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it
> works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that
> practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified,
> she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
> I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s ass and a car
> hit us both.
>>
>> I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
> laughing so hard. Wal-Mart won’t let me shop there anymore.
>>
>> Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the
> world to think of crazy things to say.This is a link to LOLkiters http://www.akitasdemacleod.com/lolkiters.htm
Sorry, I couldn’t pick just one or two to post 😀Hypnotist at the Senior Center
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, “Unlike most hypnotists, who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.”
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. “I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It’s a very special watch. It’s been in my family for six generations. ” He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, “Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch….”
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming from its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch… until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
“Sh*t!” said the Hypnotist..
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
