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Oh no!! I’m so sorry to hear all this! I JUST saw it! Awe, I’m so sorry hon 🙁
I’m glad you are okay though *hugs*
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Dreamscape, Orion, Poison Dart, Fireberry, Spangler + Tigerberry DragonsI’m just glad you’re okay. Hey, maybe painting will be therapeutic!
Big hugs, and take it easy, ‘kay?
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http://www.sarahjestin.com/feedbacklists.htmI’m very sorry to hear that things didn’t work out as planned, Grayfire. 🙁 But Dragonmedley is right: paint it out! I write or crochet my stress and it helps a lot; you’re such a gifted painter, I bet some good stuff would come out of it. It’d be a way to make lemonade out of this lemon of a situation.
The most important thing is, though, that you’re safe. I am really glad for that. Hug!
Thanks everyone.
The thing that is killing me right now is I think this mess has just ended my relationship with my boyfriend… It would be mostly my fault though…On wednesday I thought he was going to say we need to take a break and in my stressed fueled everything I said it. I felt guilty and was still suffering a great amount of pain and I thought it was never going to get better.
I’m really sick over this…. we used to talk every day and now I don’t know when I’ll hear from him. I’ve sent 2 e-mails apologizing and explaining that I wasn’t in the right mind set when we talked on wednesday…. but I’m so unsure and heart broken right now….I feel so sick and angry.
Take the time to get better before you talk to him again. No need to add something else to your stress.
Yeah, yeah, it’s easy for me to say, I know! 🙂
Read my books! Volume 1 and 2 of A Dragon Medley are available now.
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http://www.sarahjestin.com/feedbacklists.htmGood advice. 🙂
I just want to reach through the screen and **hug**. It will be okay. You might not want to hear it, but if he is someone you want to build a life with, he’s going to have to be able to understand this facet about you. There is a new song out now (I think it’s called Empty Sheets or something) about their love being bent, not broken.
Speaking from my 19th year with my husband (and I am 39) there will be a lot of bends. That’s why your love must be flexible and giving. This was a terribly traumatic event for you and he will certainly be able to understand all the pressure and stress you were under. 🙂 Or, he SHOULD be able to understand.
Please take care of yourself and know I am sending good thoughts and support.
Thank you dragonlove :3 *hugs*
I’m doing a little better today. I struggled this mourning though my digestive system is still hurting a lot… I went and helped clean a friends house which really really helped a lot! I’m still dealing with moments where my chest tightens up and my heart raises but it’s manageable. My family is keeping a hawks I on me. Compared to the last few days I cried only twice in short bursts.
Ben still hasn’t contacted me… It’s so strange not to have him there. He was always the first person I talked to in the mourning and the last person I talked to at night. There is a huge whole in my life right now. He’s really my best friend and I have a hard time accepting that he’s not in my life right now. I keep dreaming that I got on the plain and everything is okay. At the moment I hate waking up… There where a few wedding that we where supposed to go to… I got myself a necklace and earnings made out of morpho butterfly wings and I got Ben a pair of cuff-links to match… I keep have haunting dreams filled with dead morpho butterflies that are scattered all over the ground.
Sorry about the bad dreams; those never help. They’re just acting out your stress and worry about where your relationship with Ben is, but that doesn’t make them pleasant. Dreams have a way of getting hold of our emotions and giving them a hard yank.
Ben’s silence could be due to a lot of things, including complications at home. If the two of you are a strong match–and I have no reason to think otherwise–then his disappointment must be as keen as your own. He may be questioning whether the panic attack was brought on by fear of spending so much time with him. And if he isn’t blaming himself somehow, then he’s undoubtedly feeling frustrated that he’s so far away and cannot do something to help you.
It’s natural for someone who’s feeling hurt to withdraw, but the problem with that is that then they spend too much time trying to figure out what happened. And without communication, the conclusions they come to are likely to be self-injuring and incorrect. But at the same time it’s hard to communicate when one is upset! Matter of fact, that can be the worst time to have a conversation on something that’s really important.
Dragonmedley and dragonlove are both right: give yourself some time to settle, and then reach out again. A good partner will work past his own emotions and be willing to meet you halfway. Hang in there!
Thanks Bardwing :3
I know that withdrawal is a natural thing to do but in this case I feel I actually needed the reminder. I feel so horribly guilty and ashamed but at the same time I’m angry at the person who triggered me. The trigger itself was an accident… but I’m not really prepared to type that all out. I’ve had to focus on not thinking about it since I’m still in a fragile state.
I’m trying really hard to not be obsessive over the silence… It’s not that I am clingy. I’ve found when I’m struggling with stress I start acting clingy which is not normal for me. It seems the farther away I get from monday and the more grounded I become the easier it is to wait. I think that everything will work out… It’s just hard since I’m so sensitive to adrenalin and at the moment I’m prone to easy adrenalin rushes.
My system in general is a little shot. I’m increasing my exercise since I’m eating alright now. I’ve added a supplement called SAM-e to what I take daily and I’m looking at getting some frankincense resin to burn since it’s been used to treat depression and anxiety since ancient times. I’ve also stopped drinking most caffeine and sugary drinks. I’ve done a bunch of research in the last day or so and found some good ideas for going to homeopathic way. I’m a bit closed off to pharmaceutical options after researching about the different types. I’ve been on a few before and found that it worsened my blood pressure issues along with agitation and ability to concentrate. So I think I’m going to ask a doctor about trying some type of sedative, just to have it as a emergency backup just in case I can’t bring myself out of a panic.
I hear you on the sensitivity to adrenalin rushes. After eight years in my first job, which had a truly ridiculous stress level, I was left with a pair of very “kicky” adrenal glands. Everything set them off! Something would start to go just a little wrong at work, and all of a sudden I’d feel hot and cold washing over me, my heart would race and sometimes double up on beats, and my temper would just plain go where the dead crabs go (with apologies to Mr. Kipling). It was a reaction I felt I had little control over, and that made it even worse.
What helped? While on the spot, deep breathing exercises, nice and slow, and distancing myself physically from what had set me off. In general, exercise helped immensely. I’ve dragged an old Schwinn Aero-Dyne with me through multiple moves, and it remains my go-to when the stress gets bad: hop on the bike and blow loose papers all over the living room for thirty minutes. Watching what I eat: going for protein instead of pure sugar, avoiding caffeine (never could handle my caffeine), and avoiding foods that I know perfectly well will leave me with a blood sugar crash an hour later.
When my adrenalin gets wacky, so does my blood sugar–drops like a rock–and it is such peachy fun trying to regulate it. I’m a big fan of cottage cheese and fruit, thick ham-and-swiss sandwiches, quesadillas. A nutritionist would plotz over how often I eat these things, but they work. Remembering to stay hydrated–which means water, water, and more water–also helps. One of my favorite drinks in the summer is homemade lemonade with the peels in, and when the lemonade is gone, I pour water over the peels and let it steep and drink that too. Tastes like lemons, but less sugar. 😉
I haven’t tried out the homeopathic route; nothing wrong with it, but go carefully on dosages and be wary of possible interactions between compounds. (Granny had issues because she wasn’t careful with her homeopathics, and it got scary for a while there.)
I think you’re on a good track, and can’t say enough good stuff in particular about exercise. And I’d encourage you to talk to your doctor about whether a sedative could be of use in an attack. It never hurts to know what the options are, and to have a “Plan B” handy for when you need it. 🙂
Sorry to hear. I used to get panic attacks too. It started when I was a child because I was super sensitive, afraid to sleep and worried about everything. I would get heart pains and couldn’t breathe and was rushed to the hospital a few times over a few years only to be told there was nothing wrong with me. When I finally learned I was a hypochondriac and that my panic attacks were all in my head, I learned to control them. I learned what things triggered them. If I was ever in a situation where I could feel a trigger due to stress or fear or something bad or traumatic, like even watching a movie with violence, I would have to remove myself from the situation, get fresh air and just breathe slowly, telling myself it was all in my head and that I was going to be okay. I had to deal with this a few times until I finally learned to control my thoughts and stopped letting myself be affected by external things.
I learned to turn my fears into positive thoughts and I went from being afraid of airplanes and deep water to travelling, flying and working on cruise ships. I learned that I couldn’t let fears stop me from living and enjoying life. Once I learned to control my thinking, I never had a panic attack again. It’s been probably 15 years now since I have had one. Proper nutrition, vitamins, minerals and supplements can be helpful. I would take natural supplements to help stress and help my sleeping. I would take one called Herbal Nerve and one called Herbal Insomnia. I also would take melatonin to help me fall asleep at night as I used to be afraid to go to sleep as I used to have bad dreams. Melatonin does enhance dreams but it is a natural supplement that can help you fall asleep within a few minutes to half an hour after taking it at night. B vitamins are good to for stress, vitamin D is good for overall health and just a good muti-vatimin can be beneficial too.
I also read positive or inspirational books or posts before bed too to make me feel good and have good dreams. Also if you have never read ‘The Power of Now’ or ‘A New Earth’ by Eckhart Tolle, I highly recommend those books to help understand your thinking and how to control it. I forever changed my thinking after reading those wonderful books! As for relationship troubles, this is going to be the last thing you want to hear, but I have been in an on and off again relationship for the past two years and finally learned the best way to get him to contact me when we weren’t together was to give him space. When guys have a sudden sense of freedom and realize how much they miss you and need you, they will come back, no matter how long you may have to wait patiently. In the meantime, work on helping yourself and focus on making yourself better. You will attract back to you what you give out so be the best you can be and it will come back to you. I hope that helps and wish you well with everything.
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Grayfire – right there with you on panic attacks and they really suck big time! I finally had to have a prescription because they were happening so often and were extemely severe and with the divorce and all they are highly incapacitating. I’m so sorry that you experienced one of this magnitude – not fun at all and extremely dissapointing when they ruin plans that you’ve looked forward too… Drop me a pm and I’ll give you the name of what I’m taking if you’re interested. It’s helped IMMENSELY! Hugs ya through the screen and loves you lots!
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Alright so I have a few doc appt to see if I can get put on something that can help me.
I’ve talked with Ben recently and it went well. He still needs some space but I think we can work it out. He’s really concerned about my panic attacks and whether I can be functional if I go to see him or if It’ll make everything worse. Which in all is a concern that I have to. I need to work on listening to. This whole thing has really forced me into a corner in realizing and acknowledging how serious my ptsd is and that I need more help then just talk therapy and my own grit.
I’ve been researching the different types of drugs used for treating panic… and I’m very turned off by the side affects and then uncertainty there seems to be in whether the drug can help or not. In the past I was on a lot of different pharmaceuticals… Needless to say I’m very sensitive to psychotropic drugs, I turn into a raving mad lunatic that loves fist fights and has no qualms with pushing a friend in from of a moving truck. I really don’t want to ever be like that again. The main thing that I have found that has worked for me in the last 3 years has been talk therapy and exposure therapy. But I do need something in case of emergency so that I don’t go into a full panic….
Well I talked with Ben… He said he is still confused… and he still loves me but at this point he is breaking up with me.
I told him him that I didn’t feel the same way about breaking up and that if he changes his mind I still want to try working things out.
Everything is such a mess right now. I know I need to take care of myself and I will. I have my doctors appt and everything but I’m still stunned….I feel like I just lost my best friend. I’m really crushed at the reality that the people who have injured me in my life can still take and destroy the important things in my life. I feel like I’ve been fatally injured all of my life dealing with how bad the ptsd is.
On the bright side I’m painting on canvas again…even though it’s super dark I think I’m making a break through.
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