Ahhh, nothing like stupidity

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife? This

was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a
“Pocket Taser” for their anniversary.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn

Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our

22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little

something extra for my wife Toni.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser

were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term

adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her
adequate time to retreat to safety…. WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it

home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn

thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the

button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the

same time; I’d get the blue arch of electricity
darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that

burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking

to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only
two triple-a batteries,. right?!!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on

intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading

the directions and thinking that I really needed to
try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I

must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a

fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is

such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this
thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger,

I did want some assurance that it would work as

advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top

with my reading glasses perched delicately on the

bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in
another. The directions said that a one-second burst

would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second

burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major

loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground

like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three

seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I’m looking at this little device
measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4″ in

circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two

itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries thinking to myself, “no
possible way!”

What happened next is almost beyond description, but

I’ll do my best…..

I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her

head cocked to one side as to say, “don’t do it
master,” reasoning that a one-second burst from such a
tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad.. I

decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the

heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh,
pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS

DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!

I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side
door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed

us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I

vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal

position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet,
both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found,

with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest

position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was
standing over me making meowing sounds I had never

heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to

herself, “do it again, do it again!”

Note: If you ever feel compelled to “mug” yourself

with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such
thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You

will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged

from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the
floor. A three second burst would be considered
conservative.

SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so

later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing

at that point), collected my wits (what little I had
left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent
reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh

and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt
like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom

lip weighed 88 lbs. I’m still looking for my

testicles? I’m offering a significant
reward for their safe return.

Still in shock.

😯 😉 😆

This actually so stupid it has to be true. 🙄