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I’m so sorry you have to go through this, DZ. My mother died of leukemia in 3 1/2 weeks from diagnosis to death and it was really hard. What I learned was to take your cue from her. My mom was pretty extraordinary and she taught me a LOT about death and dying.
I think the main thing is to take your cue from your friend. Especially if she wants to talk about what she is going through, if she is afraid, or what ever. Listening is the greatest gift you can give her because so many people “don’t know what to say so they don’t say anything at all” and the dying person feels isolated and alone. They need to talk about what is happening to them but in their own time at their own pace and they need to know that it is OK with you to talk about it.
My mom spent her time at first saying goodbye to her group friends-church, work, neighbors,etc.-, then as she got sicker, she pulled in more and wanted less company, just people she was really close to like her kids,no one else. At the end, only my brother and his wife were in the house. But during that time, she did talk a lot about her “journey” and she was comforting us because she was the one who was leaving and we were the ones who were being left behind. But often, we are only losing one person, the dying person is losing everyone and everything, depending on their perspective. (She and I shared a spiritual belief(unshared by my siblings) so when I said at one point “Mom, if we are right about this stuff, will you find a way to let me know?” she said “Why of course!” like “sure I’ll send you a postcard from Chicago!” and she has let me know, many times over.)
I don’t know if this is your first experience with the death of someone close to you. If it is, it does change you. My mom was my first, then my husband, then my best friend, then my dad. Each one is different because each relationship is different and it never is easy, but evenutally I kinda got the map to grief so it didn’t feel so crazy. In a way, I feel lucky that my mom “chose” to go out this way because there was enough time to “finish unfinished business” with her and say goodbye but not too long where she had to spend a lot of time suffering. My dad had Alzheimer’s and spent 12 years dying. Tooo long, tooo hard on eveyone, mostly him. My husband and best friend went instantly and that wasn’t enough time.
I have no idea if this is helpful or not. In answer to your question, the answer depends on the state of my health and how I felt. If I knew I was going to get munched by a truck (like a former intern of mine did last night!) I would certainly go and do and have some experiences that I wouldn’t have now not knowing that. I also know I can’t live my life assuming I’m going out that way. But having a terminal diagnosis where I am most likely going to be feeling pretty miserable, I would probably be staying closer to the comforts of home and family and paying attention to pain killers and what to do with my stuff. Death always makes me look at how I’m spending my life, but right now I’m doing pretty much what I want to with it. Of course there are always more experiences to have, I would have to already be dead not to look forward to something.
Anyway, I guess it isn’t clear to me what this is bringing up for you, how to help your friends or what it brings up in terms of your own life. On a practical note, is hospice going to be involved? They were very helpful with my parents. Please stay in touch and know that my thoughts and empathy is with you. Been there, done that. drgnlvrI’m so sorry to hear this about your friend. The only up side is that she knows approximately how much time she has so has a chance to do things with those she loves while she has it. So many people don’t get that opportunity.
But it is always sad when someone goes before they are ready to go. My brother in law TJ died unexpectedly last summer, and it was so hard, since he got sick and died within 48 hours, and kept saying he didn’t want to die. He was only 48. He had no time for any of the things he wanted to do, it was heartbreaking.
Anyway, sorry for the sidetrip. Things like this just realy bring it home how limited our time really is, and that we never know what is coming. The lucky ones are the ones who get the warning notice, even if they don’t think so at the time.
*hugs* I offer all my love and support to you and your friend and her family at this time.
Kyrin
…*sigh*
A month and a half later.
She lost her battle with cancer yesterday.
She was one of those people who had a profound influence on my life for the better. I never got to say thank you.
😥 😥 😥 😥 😥 there are no words that will take away the loss or hurt….but I’m so sorry you’re going through this. 😥 😥 😥 😥
Im so sorry DZ. I am glad she had some warning but it doesnt make it any easier for her or the survivors. 🙁
I am so sorry DZ 🙁
Sorry I wasn’t around when you first posted, too.The fact that you didn’t say the words “Thank you” will weigh far more heavily on you, as in all likelihood, she knew on some level that she was important to you. I do know how you feel and I wish there was something more to say than I’m sorry & I’m here for you.
*hugs*I’m sorry for your loss Dark Zorse. Imagining she’s in a better place and out of pain now helps a bit.
I’m very sorry for your loss DZ. 🙁
Like wolflodge said… I’m sure she knew how grateful you were, and how much you cared about her. *hugs*
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