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WolfenMachine wrote:
Did anyone feel like they were compromising any sort of dream by being with someone? Even if it was a “down the road” sort of dream?
If you feel that way, they’re not the one. A person that truly loves you should be helping you achieve your goals, not holding you back, and vice-versa.
Jasmine wrote:WolfenMachine wrote:Did anyone feel like they were compromising any sort of dream by being with someone? Even if it was a “down the road” sort of dream?
If you feel that way, they’re not the one. A person that truly loves you should be helping you achieve your goals, not holding you back, and vice-versa.
Couldn’t’ve said it better!
twindragonsmum 8)
tdm
I’m not the best person to give advice on this since I never married but, based on several couples I know, the single best advice I could give is discuss the issue of having kids as soon as you think the relationship may be serious. It will save a lot of heart ache in the long run. If one person wants kids and the other doesn’t I believe the relationship is doomed. I have never understood couples who didn’t discuss this before marriage. And going ahead with a marriage believing the other person will change their mind and suddenly want kids is a recipe for disaster. I never wanted kids and actually thank the powers to be every day that I don’t have any considering my circumstance. But I know several couples that either did not discuss this enough or one of them assumed the other would change their mind (both men and women fall into that trap) and all of the couples are miserable. So if having kids or not having kids is really important to you I would definitely discuss it early on.
ddvm wrote:I’m not the best person to give advice on this since I never married but, based on several couples I know, the single best advice I could give is discuss the issue of having kids as soon as you think the relationship may be serious. It will save a lot of heart ache in the long run. If one person wants kids and the other doesn’t I believe the relationship is doomed. I have never understood couples who didn’t discuss this before marriage. And going ahead with a marriage believing the other person will change their mind and suddenly want kids is a recipe for disaster. I never wanted kids and actually thank the powers to be every day that I don’t have any considering my circumstance. But I know several couples that either did not discuss this enough or one of them assumed the other would change their mind (both men and women fall into that trap) and all of the couples are miserable. So if having kids or not having kids is really important to you I would definitely discuss it early on.
This is an important point. My husband’s parents did not discuss this until after marriage, but only because his father kept putting the subject off when his Mom brought it up, before and after the marriage. She pushed about it after they married and he said, we’ll talk about it in 5 years. She interpretted this as we will have children in 5 years. So for 5 years, they didn’t bring up the subject again, but hubby’s Mom hadn’t forgotten. At the end of that time, she took steps to make pregnancy possible. She got pregnant, and expected him to be happy when she told him. His reaction was to not say a word to her, and walk out of the house and not come back or talk to her for 3 days.
He never wanted children, but never told her. They ended up having two boys, and were divorced when my husband was 5. His father still resents his mother for forcing fatherhood on him, even though he was a decent and responsible father.
Bottom line in any relationship, communication. Very important.
I got married to my husband at 23, we had been together since a month before my 20th birthday. We were best friends for about 7 months before we got together as a couple and I had been engaged to marry someone else. Anyway, in the beginning it was giddy, high as a kite kind of feelings, but over time it has evened out into friendship, respect and caring. We are still best friends. Friendship I think is a big key to a working relationship. Building on that foundation versus the one of attraction gives you a better chance of making it in the long run. My husband and I have been together for 20 years now.
He understands me, respects my needs, and let’s me be myself, even when he would rather I wasn’t. LOL! We have a unique relationship, and many who know me well would think it rather odd, but it works. Anyway, WM, hope this helps.
Kyrin
Ooh, good point above. Dont expect that anyone will change after marriage. If there is something you dont like before you marry, it will still be there after you marry. That may be elementary to some, but you would not believe the stories I have heard since I have joined the Army about husbands or wives expectations being different because you suddenly put a ring on their finger.
Maybe I’m not the right person to put in my two cents but I’m going to do it anyway.
Me and Colin, we met oh, what 4 years ago 😮 now when we were both in first year. I was in one of those, I’m in the passion of the relationship but not really connecting type of relationships. We became good friends, and although I could tell that he was falling in love with me, he never once tried to compromise the relationship I was in to get with me, so to speak. The guy I was with sensed this as well, and starting to get jealous and possessive, telling me I couldn’t hang out with my group of friends (my ONLY group of friends) and trying to have me home and not doing anything 24/7. Needless to say, I broke up with him.
Once I was single, Colin was starting to act funny, purposely trying to avoid me and skirting around conversations we were by then having almost nightly. So I asked him what was up, and with a little bit of goading (I thought I’d done something wrong here!) he fessed up that he was falling for me and wanted to date me, but didn’t want to just be “that rebound guy”. So I got asked out on MSN! 😆
Anyway… long story short, I’ve always tried to be supportive of what he wants to do, even if I’m not so excited about it. And he supports my interests, even when he isn’t so happy about them. I’m always happy when I think about going home from work because I know he’s gonna be there. It’s not as passionate and firey anymore, but my life feels like it’s just, I don’t know, fallen together since we started dating.
And he’s very supportive of the fact that right now, I don’t see myself having kids. Not that I don’t want them – but I have a high potential for medical problems if I were to get pregnant. So even though he would like kids, unless I feel safe and happy trying, he doesn’t want to. I don’t know if that falls into me not wanting them and him wanting them – but I don’t think it’s as black and white as if you have differing opinions on kids that your relationship is doomed. At least I hope not.
A good relationship is not necessarily the one that has lots of passion, but the one that you can, as someone else said, survive out of the bedroom. I think you know if the relationship is right. All my other relationships, the entire time something was nagging in the back of my head, telling me it was wrong. I’m glad I listened, as I wouldn’t trade Colin or what we have for anything.
And as for trying to change people – it just doesn’t work. People are who they are, and if you don’t like that, you need to decide if you can accept and love the person for who they are, or are you trying to make them something they aren’t? If you’re trying too hard to change something that’s integrated in their personality (such as wanting or not wanting kids, or hating cats, etc), then you don’t really love the person for who they are and it’s time to move on.
After reading everything everbody has said I don’t have much to add except make sure you are not only husband and wife but best friends as well. My husband and I were both 21 when we got married and the next 12 1/2 years seem to fly by unfoturnately he ws killed in an accident just after his 34th birthday. I wouldn’t take anything for the years we had together. I think one of the nicest things anybody ever said to me was a person I knew well and she said – you know I don’t think I ever heard you say anything bad about him.
I’ve been following this thread since it started–was really curious as to what other forum members would say. Well, everyone said everything just beautifully. I’m in my late fifties and was married to my husband for a little over 25 years until his death 9 years ago. If he were still alive, we would be still married and this August, it would have been 35 years! Yes, time gets away from you and at age 23, you have a whole lifetime ahead of you. I met my husband when I was 20 and we married a year and a half later so age isn’t the factor in determining how well and how long a realtionship lasts. It’s the maturity level of the people involved.
One thing I’ve always heard about what is the problem with men and women is that men want to control and women want to change. So just accept each other for who you are. This person will be your better half your soul mate throughout your life. You will begin to eat, sleep, breathe and think alike. You know how older folks finish each other’s sentences. My husband always supported all the things I wanted to do and I never held him back to what he wanted to do either. Yeah, we all have our ‘ideals’ of what we would like our future mate to have–the tall, dark and handsome bit–we like to fantasize–but reality has a sense of humor and you may find that the right person for you is completely the opposite of all those physical attribultes you want him to have. Oh, and time takes an awful toll on those physical attributes–believe me!
All the advice you have been given has been excellent–communicate, wait, marriage is a job and it requires work, there is more to it than the bedroom! Twindragonsmum is right–sometimes it is 60/40, 95/5, 20/80 or whatever–you do what it takes to get you over the bumps and potholes in life. My husband was ill for the remaining 11 years of our marriage. It’s a hard pill to shallow but this is what it is all about–you don’t just drop out because the going gets tough. You have to be able to trust each other with your very lives!
So don’t go feeling unnormal because everyone else your age is married! Don’t stab yourself with many pains trying to get married so you’ll be alike everyone else! You’ll know when that right one comes around and it does come slowly–smoldering embers last longer than a raging bonfire!
You don’t realize how much time you have! Finding someone who shares your ideals and dreams is the most important thing. Whatever will be will follow. After all these years I still miss my husband–you won’t understand this completely, but that is the best feeling in the world!
Oh man, so much good stuff has been said 🙂 Hearing about these successful relationships really lifts my spirits and makes me happy.
I live in San Diego, it’s a young town, it’s a lookist town, people are here to have fun. I’ll be 26 in August, and I’ve pretty much just given up on dating anyone from where I live. Every remotely successful relationship I’ve had has been with someone who didn’t grow up here. I guess that’s what you get in a metropolitan, college-saturated town, SD is definitely a party town like LA, people live fast, make their bucks, drink their $12 drinks, and don’t take relationships seriously. I’m screwed (SO not literally 😆 ) because those things aren’t what I’m looking for. I relate to couples and people who are older, I’m often told I’m wise beyond my years, I can’t seem to hold a conversation with people my age. I guess I feel like I’m waiting for my peers to catch up a little, as I’m interested in so little of what they seem to be. It’s frustrating, and very lonely sometimes.
Right now, I’m really wrestling over and re-evaluating what love means, and what compatibility means. When I was in college, 19, I started dating this guy. There was definitely chemistry, a lot of attraction at the beginning. And as we started getting more serious, the intense chemistry definitely translated to a very passionate relationship. He was/is such a beautiful person, very handsome. But he wrestled with the physicality of it and religion, and that was our downfall. He broke up with me because he couldn’t continue to struggle with his guilt, and my differing ideologies. I loved him fiercely. It broke my heart. It’s been 5 years and I’m still tearing up as I type this, because I love him SO much still. We’ve remained friends, he’s dated people, I’ve dated people, but we see each other now and again. Every time I spend time with him, it’s just…so natural. We know each other so well. We can finish each other’s sentences, know each other’s secrets, what we like and don’t like, and above all, we have a deep, deep respect and caring for each other. It’s bittersweet, because it’s why I can’t stop loving him. I know I do. There’s no question. Why aren’t we together? I don’t know. I really don’t. Everyone who knows us doesn’t really understand why we aren’t together, neither do I. Whatever it is, the secret lies with him and I haven’t figured it out yet. Maybe I’m his “safety girl,” I don’t know. But I would have married him in a heartbeat. He’s my best friend, I’m so in love with his soul, it hurts. At this point I can’t even see him without it tearing my heart in two.
But there’s someone else I met almost a year ago, oddly enough through Craigslist. I ended up going on a blind date with him, which I’ve never done, and we kind of hit it off. He was charming, and polite, very intelligent and quick, treated me like a lady which is SO out of place in San Diego. Physically, he’s not my “type,” but he’s very attractive regardless, and his personality and intelligence make him even more attractive to me since I value those traits much more over physical ones. At first, I was slow to spend time with him, having recently escaped from an abusive relationship which required a restraining order. But he was gently persistent, inviting me out on ACTUAL DATES, giving me space, basically taking the trouble to court me like a gentleman because he was very interested. It did pay off, I did go out with him and he was so sweet, and so smart, we had lots to talk about and I felt very much taken care of while I was with him. After being with lazy guys used to all the -prime trim- in San Diego, who thought drive-thru or noisy bars made fine dates, being with someone who’d get the door, take my arm while we were walking, pick up the check (I do always offer though), and just generally make me feel like I mattered, I could see that this was a special guy. I started taking care to look extra-nice, he made me feel special, so I wanted to look the way he made me feel (take note, guys). He’s very sensitive and intelligent and that makes for a lot of fun physically too, since I’m the same. There isn’t the fire and the fierceness that I have with the other guy, but I can see that this one is very much worth putting the time and energy too. He’s actually across the country right now for school, and we left things off very open, but I still find myself thinking about him, and we stay in touch. It’s obvious he feels the same too. Actually, just today, I was thinking about him and my phone beeped with a text message from him saying the same!! We don’t talk much, but there’s a connection there strong enough that we both know it was worth putting a little more time into. I’m not sure if we’ll be together, but if geologically it were feasible again, I’d want to see where this road goes. He’s the first person since that other guy, who I’m feeling such a resonance with. I could see myself falling in love with him.
So I’m wondering too, a lot, about different shades of love. I can’t deny how much I love that first guy. I’ve always thought of him as my soul mate. And there doesn’t seem to be much keeping us apart. I just don’t understand it. But he knows how I feel. How long can I hold out for him? I feel like I’m wasting my prime, sitting around twiddling my thumbs waiting for him to wise up. I won’t. And in the meantime, here’s another wonderful guy who thinks the world of me. I could love him in a different way. Which way is more compatible for a truly healthy, long-term relationship? Would I grow to love the second one as much, the same, different, more? I do get frustrated sometimes, I feel like I can’t control how much I love that first one, that I have to suppress it to even TRY with anyone else. I keep trying to say, you’re not with him, it won’t happen, you need to move on. I keep thinking I have, but then finding I really haven’t. And some part of me is afraid to let that go. Most of me feels like I’m waiting for something that probably won’t even happen, and that I need to keep my heart open to other possibilities. It’s tough. 🙁
Oh wow, there are some really sweet, and even bittersweet story here. So I thought I could add mine, too.
I´m 29 and in 2 weeks my husband and I will be together for 10 years and married for 2. So we waited nearly 8 years until our wedding and tested our relationships in nearly every way possible.
With us it definitely wasn´t love at first sight, it grew with time. We met on a group-trip to Japan (which we both very much love). At that time I was very much certain that I must be completely uninteresting for boys because at the age of 19 I had never even got an interested look from any boy and he had the very same problem (22 and no girl who even considered doing anything with him…).
So we just started talking, realized we had very similar hobbys and attitudes, then somehow ended up doing everything together and being together all the time. It just felt so naturally, although we needed nearly 2 weeks until we were officially together. As it was the first relationship for the both of us we were extremely unsure wether the other really liked us as more than a friend, although he kept sending me unmistakable signs and I interpreted them to bits, wondering if he really meant what I hoped he meant or if it meant something else…
Back in Germany we decided it would be good if we only saw each other maybe 2 or 3 times a week, because I had heard a lot of stories of couples that split up on their first holiday together, because they could not handle being with their partner all the time and needed their space.
Well, we managed about 3 weeks of that and realized that it simply wasn´t enough, so we ended up seeing each other every day. One day he would come to my place after his lessons at the university and the other day I would come to his place. My father complained a few times that there wasn´t even space for a sheet of paper between us. 😀
Everyone around us kept saying they´re just waiting for us to split up, because we suffocate the other and that first relationships never last. I heard that sentence a lot and hated it very much, because in my opinion it doesn´t matter if you had one or 20 relationships. The right person will come when you least expect him and then you must be clever and brave enough to hold onto him instead of always thinking that maybe the grass is greener elsewhere.
3 years later we got the chance to go to Japan for a whole year and the people around us said “let´s see who of you will come back first, because you can´t handle the stress”. This was one of the best years of my life. We managed all the new situations together and knew we always had each other should there be any problems.
Back home, we lived in a tiny one-room apartment for over a year with most of our things in boxes in the cellar and everyone was certain that we would never manage to live there without some major fights and an eventual split–up.
I think with our wedding 2 years ago they finally realized what we knew nearly from the beginning: that this relationship will last.My Husband really is the half of me that I missed before. Like a lot of people here already described, he is the one I trust most, the one I go to, if I had a bad day at work or once again some major problems with my family, the one who always tries to make me laugh, the one with whom I can just sit on a couch for an hour without doing anything, just feeling content, the one who helps me solve every problem…
So I think, to be in love with someone for more than just a short period means you have to have an extremely deep friendship and respect for that person. If you don’t have this it won´t work.Of course you have to work on a relationship but there is only so much a person can change on himself. If there are differences, try to find some middleground, each side has to make a step to make it work. If your partner does something you don´t like, talk with him rationally and calm. The absolute killer to every relationship is to just swallow any anger you have. It will just grow and grow and in the end there will be a big explosion with very little left to put the pieces back together, that’s what happend to my parents.
You should never rush into a marriage because you think other people expect it from you. Take your time, get to know each other, the good and the bad sides and if you can truthfully live with both then you will have something very precious at the end.Kudos to you, Wolfen, for this wonderful thread. It’s interesting and informative to read of other peoples’ experiences.
I can’t answer your question of course, Wolfen, having never had a boyfriend. I don’t care what Stan wishes, he didn’t count. 😆 But I’ll tell you that I used to want to marry at 18, like my Grandma did. She and Grandpa celebrated their golden anniversary a couple years ago and are role models par excellence of good, strong marriage to me.
But though it works for them, I’m very glad I didn’t fall for anyone at that age. The others are right; it takes time and maturity to settle on the right person. My goal down the road is to be a wife and mother, but before that I’ve found the road itself is a great place to be, and I’m happy being single right now.
There’s a lot of pressure in this day and age, I think, to “be with” somebody, and people rush into relationships only to crash out of them not long after. I’ve found that as soon I plan for something, my plan only acts as a surefire prophecy of what won’t happen, and only when I quit looking for something do I find it. So I’ve quit looking for a Mister Right, and if he’s out there, which I’m sure he is, he’ll show up in good time.Greater Basilisk wrote:Kudos to you, Wolfen, for this wonderful thread. It’s interesting and informative to read of other peoples’ experiences.
I can’t answer your question of course, Wolfen, having never had a boyfriend. I don’t care what Stan wishes, he didn’t count. 😆 But I’ll tell you that I used to want to marry at 18, like my Grandma did. She and Grandpa celebrated their golden anniversary a couple years ago and are role models par excellence of good, strong marriage to me.
But though it works for them, I’m very glad I didn’t fall for anyone at that age. The others are right; it takes time and maturity to settle on the right person. My goal down the road is to be a wife and mother, but before that I’ve found the road itself is a great place to be, and I’m happy being single right now.
There’s a lot of pressure in this day and age, I think, to “be with” somebody, and people rush into relationships only to crash out of them not long after. I’ve found that as soon I plan for something, my plan only acts as a surefire prophecy of what won’t happen, and only when I quit looking for something do I find it. So I’ve quit looking for a Mister Right, and if he’s out there, which I’m sure he is, he’ll show up in good time.*high-five!* Perfect attitude, GB! 😀
Volunteer mod- I'm here to help! Email me for the best response: nambroth at gmail.com
My art: featherdust.comInteresting to see how many other people waited so long like we did.
Did we do it on purpose? Not really. It’s just the way things fell into place. Only recently do we both have jobs and have settled more into a “routine” that the idea of having “the wedding” surfaced.
It was nine years in February, including a few off and on periods. I always wonder, and I share this openly with Tami, what would it be like to have dated more people, to have gone out and partied, etc. I’ve only known two ladies in my life. Did I miss out on anything (other than maybe some new residents in my groin area) ?
Same idea though, we met on IRC in 1996. Shortly after I moved out with my first GF, and talked with Tami off and on. Later on things weren’t so hot with my first and I met Tami and her friend at a mall one day. Then we met again later that night sans friend (hee hee). The next couple years was a total mess of off again, on again, one girl to the other scenario, until I finally put my foot down, and told my ex to leave. She said she “wouldn’t give up and let that ***** win”. The next day I gave notice to vacate on my apartment and said “you have no choice but to leave”. She moved out. I moved my stuff home, but I had to stay in the apartment to get to work, and I was too dumb to think about leaving blankets or anything. Tami heard about this and showed up at my place that night with pillows and a blanket, and stayed the night with me.
A couple days later I found out it was HER BIRTHDAY and she BLEW OFF HER FRIENDS!!! to come see me. DAMN! I asked her for commitment that day, February 23, 2000, and haven’t looked back. We continued to date until August, then we moved in together and have been together since.
And that’s how I got stuck with Valentine’s, a birthday and an anniversary in one week 🙄
Oh, and for more soap opera, right after Tami left that morning, my ex showed up with breakfast and a broken heart begging for forgiveness. I answered the door expecting to see Tami again thinking she had forgot something and got that surprise instead. Bleh. Kinda ruined the afterglow I had.
In summary – my thoughts always have been – stop looking – and the perfect person will find you. Anytime I looked to find a relationship, it never worked. Don’t do what other people are doing. I never dated in high school. I didn’t party. I think I turned out OK.
I am not really personally, going into my relationships on here. No offense. But a couple of them have been a real horror.
On the other hand…I can tell you that there is the “perfect” match for anyone who is willing to wait it out. My father and mother married when they were in their early 20’s…I was 7 when they divorced. My dad got married again, to the totally wrong woman…She used him and made him a worse person. Years later, he met Peg, my 2nd stepmother…He has been through hell health wise, and she has stood steadfast by him (And he by her when she has had her share of health issues), and he couldn’t have found a better partner/wife in anyone else. I am glad to see him happy in life, health or not. 🙂
Lust and infatuation can dress itself up as love, and you are right about that. But, also, you must search deep within yourself to find your own answers too. While all the stories here are quite interesting, it is like an AA meeting…”Take what you want and leave the rest”. (But, also if you are not physically attracted to him, that is also a red flag)
You may be the only person who knows how you TRULY feel…And, never marry out of a convenience issue…TRUST ME!!! 😉WindstoneCollector wrote:While all the stories here are quite interesting, it is like an AA meeting…”Take what you want and leave the rest”. (But, also if you are not physically attracted to him, that is also a red flag)
I just wanted to mention that everyone has their own mileage. Some marriages are never ‘active’ in the bedroom, and they can be just as happy, loving, and soul-bonding as those that are 🙂
ALSO, *high-fives Shaun* Good for you man, and it makes me happy to hear of other long-distance ‘we met online’ relationships that have worked out!
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