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No, I didn’t disappear, it’s just been a really overwhelming couple of weeks.
I’m going to put some pretty dark stuff in this post, and if you don’t want to know the inner workings of my head, stop reading.
First was the server move. That went reasonably well, except with the routings not updating. That caused the ‘sandbox’ to never show up. That sucked. Everything is good now, except what happened on Saturday…
Friday night I was at work until about 3AM. I went home and began the most impossible sequence of events, and I have better odds of winning the lottery than for this to happen: (I am not kidding.. this really pissed me off..)
Event 1: I went to bed at a reasonable hour. Odds of occuring: Low
Event 2: I turned my phone to vibrate. Odds: VERY Low. I never do this.
Event 3: An FTP attack was launched on the server. Odds: Medium.
Event 4: The attack actually screwed something up. Odds: VERY Low. Has never happened before.
Event 5: The server didn’t automatically restart the web processes. Odds: Zero. I can’t explain this one, it should happen every 900 seconds.
Event 6: I slept in until 1PM and wasn’t aware of it. Odds: Never. Only because my phone was on vibrate, and even when it’s on vibrate, if it goes off enough, it still wakes me up, and it went off 37 TIMES.Probably the whole baby anniversary thing has me wound up and that’s why I didn’t wake up. So I apologize for the forum and store being out on Saturday morning. That’s really slackass and rare for me. In fact, its the worst non-planned outage I’ve had in the five years I’ve been doing this.
Now, to explain the baby bit…
For starts, she’s not mine. I can safely say that because at the time I wasn’t sleeping with my ex-girlfriend.
I dated this girl from 1996 until 2000. We were each other’s first serious relationship. I was barely 18 and she was 15 going on 16. We moved in together in 1997.
Around the same time I first met Tami, but didn’t really talk to her much. She was an online friend. In fact, I ticked her off on the phone once and she vowed not to talk to me again. Oops.
Move forward to 2000. At this point, Tami is friends with both of us and we quite often hang out together.
I start to see Tami without my ex. (save your tomatoes for later)
My ex finds out about Tami and refuses to leave, claiming she’s not going to lose me to some redheaded *!!!*. At this point I get tired of supporting my ex and kick her out of the apartment.
She moves out, and I feel like killing myself that night. I had already told Tami that we shouldn’t see each other anymore because I was with my ex (right after Valentine’s Day too……. (keep saving those tomatoes, not yet..)), and then I kicked my ex out, so I was alone. I called Tami and she came over and spent the night with me.
She tells me two days later that it was HER BIRTHDAY. FFS! She blew off her friends and spent the night with me on her birthday.
So then I ask her to stay with me. And that’s how I ended up with Valentine’s Day, her birthday, and our anniversary all in the same week.
So I move home for a bit, and then Tami and I get our own place in August of 2000.
Of course, I’m still talking to my ex.
Yeah, you can see where this is going.So finally in late 2001, Tami packs up and leaves. I come home to an empty apartment, and a ring on the table.
The guilt of hurting her went straight to my head, and I swallowed every pill in the house.
Eventually the panic overrode the guilt and I was taken in and saved. That night of stupidity damaged my heart and possibly other things from the >300 systolic blood pressure (they couldn’t measure it… only goes up to 300).
So I broke it off with my ex. I told her a bunch of lies to get her to hate me and never call me again.
Tami and I reconciled and we bought our condo in 2003.
Just before we bought our condo in 2003, I was walking home one day. This gut-turning, absolute wrenching, death, black, decay aura just overcame me. Now, for someone who has gone through with suicide, this feeling was *worse*. It’s like you’re eight years old and some twelve year old bully just broke all your toys and is flushing your head in the toilet. No explanation for it. That came later.
I ran into my ex again in 2005. She was pregnant.
And all over again my interest came back in this girl.
I started talking to her again, meeting her for lunch, being friends in general.
I told her about the feeling I had in 2003. She started crying. She miscarried her first child on that very day.
Bond huh…
Then came the day.
Since my ex is all holistic and what not, she had a midwife and the birth at home. Well, it went bad. The baby swallowed fluid on the way out, and for whatever reason it wasn’t noticed in time. (I don’t know if it was preventable, or the midwife blew it, or what…)
So she carried full time, delivered, and lost her.
She called me first. I was at work. I totally lost it. I was screaming, throwing things, bawling my eyes out. When I stopped freaking out I went straight over there and refused to leave.
The pain in her eyes…
I cry now just thinking about it.
Of course, Tami found out that night. There was no way I could hide that.
From that point on, it was really bad summer. Once again I was spending time with her, and living with Tami. There was no way I could just dump her from my life again. How could I? I’m sorry you just lost your baby but I can’t see you anymore. OK sure! Not to mention you lost your dad the year before too. Let’s kick you while you’re down!
She’d come by the cafe when I was working, and hang out and play Warcraft with me. After a while it got back to the point where she would just want me to do things for her, and she’d crank up the charm and I’d fall for it.
In December, I finally got pissed off enough at her to yell at her for something, and she hasn’t called me back since.
The grave has no headstone.. only fortunate enough to have been placed under the tree. But there is a full term, delivered and dead baby under those flowers.
I told her after the death that I would help her get a headstone, because there’s no way she could afford it. After her dad died her mother squandered his money.
Now I’m torn because I still want to do this, but it would mean talking to her again. Aurelia deserves to be remembered, regardless of the status between me and her mother.
The roses were there when I got there. She had obviously been there earlier. So she may or may not know I was there as well. She hasn’t called me, so I doubt it.
Tami knows I was there on Friday.
Don’t know what to do at this point. That bond is still there. I fight the urge to pick up the phone and call her. My brain fights with itself because one side loves her and wants to take care of her, the other side says No, she’ll use you and treat you like crap.
I talk in my sleep and call Tami her name.
This is why, after eight years with Tami, I’m scared to marry her. How can I commit myself to a girl for life when another one won’t get out of my head?
😥
Snap, nothing I could type here would be enough to say to you what I wish I could. I weep for you, for that tiny girl, for her mother, and for everything that could have been. I can’t offer you any empty words, but know that you are stronger than you had to be.
Would it be possible to arrange an “anonymous” donation of a headstone? I know that’s not quite what you’d like, but it might avoid the trap of talking to your ex. See if you can find a neutral intermediary–like the caretaker of the graveyard–who could approach her and ask if she’d accept an anonymous headstone. She might take the offer.
While it’s really kind of you to still care for your ex’s well-being even after she’s treated you badly, it’s probably best to stick to your resolution to have no more contact with her. You may indeed have a bond with her, but she’s not using it responsibly. Sometimes these things don’t work out like it seems they should. 🙁 Don’t give yourself to someone who won’t give herself in return. If Tami is willing to give as well as receive, then she is the better person for you. And . . . if Tami is the more stable of the two girls, then once again I would say she is the better choice. It’s no good to tie yourself to someone who will hurt you, either deliberately or because they fly apart periodically. Your ex may need some form of support, but she’s going to have to learn how to treat her supporters kindly. And maybe she needs to struggle on her own for a while in order to learn that. In the meantime, think long and hard about how your relationships with these two girls make you feel. It sounds as if your relationship with your ex makes you unhappy, and your relationship with Tami makes you happy. I’d choose happy.
Hang in there!
This reads like somthing even Socrates would have a hard time figuring out . Im no greek philosipher but here is my opinion:
It seems as though the Ex girlfirend has taken alot from you with out you asking for anything in return , but Tami gave you of herself especially when she blew off her own birthday and fiends to be with you that night that you needed her. Your ex seems like quite the charsamatic manipulator , and seemed to use your kindness, and her delemas as a tool against you since she eventually went the route of coming by just to have you do things for her.
As far as the baby i think you can help out with out having to really communicate on a face to face lvl. Maybe put money on a stone/plaque and have the remaing invoice sent to her from the company , im sure Tami would see that as compasionate to the child and not nesicerily your ex. I really dont think talking to her is a good idea since you have conflicting feelings , it may just send you back off that deep end ..that and you may send the wrong message to Tami ..like they say cant have your cake and Edith too
I’m so sorry, Snap. I really don’t know what to say. Except that I’m glad you were saved – we would all be poorer if we had never had a chance to know you – if even just over the internet!
I have been the “Tami” in a somewhat similar situation in the past so I am biased and I cannot offer objective advice. Best wishes though Snap.
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My art: featherdust.comI am so sorry for the little baby. I cannot imagine what that must have been like. I agree with the anonymous donation idea. It’s okay that the server crashed for a little bit because you did need the sleep! Mistakes happen! I hope you can sort out your heart.
I am glad they were able to save you but plesse don’t try anything like that again. Also I think you need to make up your mind which lady makes you the happiest before you formally commit to either of them. Good luck you are a great guy and you put up with all the Forum members all the time.
I agree. No contact with your Ex. If you know you love Tami, then go for it. If you are not sure, you need to be honest for both of your sakes.
Been there done that on the suicide. Glad you’re still around!
The only thing I can say is instead of looking back at what has happened, look forward to what may be.
Last but not least, do your best to do the right thing. God gave you a conscience, use it. Sucks and is hard to do the right thing, but it’s better than regretting it later or having something someone can use against you.I’m so sorry, Snap. So we were without the forum for 1 day. Woopdidoo!
I agree with the others: Tami is the partner you seek. Aurelia will be remembered, even if you don’t do the headstone thing. And if you really do want to do it, make it through a third party.
Big hugs!
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http://www.sarahjestin.com/feedbacklists.htmThank god you’re still with us today. I, for one, am very glad that our paths have crossed. You’re very special….remember that. I wish I had the wisdom to tell you what to do, but I don’t. 🙁
If you can afford it, I see nothing wrong with ordering a headstone for Aurelia. I would discuss this with Tami first and I would not contact your ex. It’s wonderful that you still care so much for this baby. It obviously bothers you that she is unmarked. I think you’ll feel more at peace once she has a headstone.
I hope you can sort out your feelings for Tami and your ex soon. Your heart will guide you.
You’re a special person Snap. I remember what it was like to visit my mum in hospital and being scared of her because I hadn’t seen her (she had tried to kill herself shortly after I was born, I believe) and didn’t remember her.
I remember people seeing my mum in a tshirt and seeing her scars and asking me if it was weird living with an insane person. I also remember going through something similar myself – I won’t talk about it here, but I got pretty low a few times in my life. Especially in HighSchool and after my diabetes diagnosis.
If you need to talk or anything, hey you have my number okay? And if Tami asks, I’m happily engaged so it should go over okay.
And whatever happens, you’re not alone! It took me a long time to figure that out… and I think that you have but sometimes it’s good to hear it.
I am sorry for your dillema Snap, I really wish I could give you some kind words and a plan, but I cannot. I can offer what I might do in your situation…I would buy the headstone myself, and have the cemetary place it for me without her knowledge, and when she goes, it will be one of the best gifts she could find under that tree. Perhaps it would make you feel better, and make Tami feel less…I dunno, in the dark? I dunno. Hang in there though, it seems Tami really loves you. 🙂 *sends hugs your way*
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