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😆 😆 😆
The whole time I was reading this story I kept on telling myself that it did not make since since lizards lay eggs….It all made since at the end 😆 😆 😆Thought you guys would like that one! LOL I LOVE IT!!!!! God Bless Mothers! 😀
Looking for White Dragons! Grail includes the White Secret Keeper!
PET RULES
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door – nose height.
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The
other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle
of my
plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and
dish,
nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating
me
to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I
fall
faster than you can run.I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry
about
this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your
comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.
It is
not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the
fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out
and
having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing
but
sarcasm.For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
some
miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, and try to turn the knob or get your
paw
under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the
same
door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years –canine
or
feline attendance is not required.The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt.
I
cannot stress this enough!To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our
front door:To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don’t.
2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture.
(That’s why they call it ‘fur’niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who
is
short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don’t ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don’t hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don’t smoke or drink
8. Don’t have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don’t want to wear your clothes
10. Don’t need a gazillion dollars for college, and…
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Time.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire income, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window o f opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become..
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pag es, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press the buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year.
Your Humble Client
First date………….too funny (UNCLASSIFIED)
If you didn’t see this on the Tonight show, I hope you’re sitting down when you read this. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.
Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.
The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was midwinter…Snowing and quite cold…and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah ….. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.
They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.
They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!
Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.?? ?? They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.
In the deep snow she didn’t have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.
Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeki ng. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.
As s he bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car’s fender.
Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date’s concerns about “what is taking so long” with a reply that indeed, she was “freezing her butt off” and in need of some assistance!
He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed t o compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.
Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!
Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.
So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be “pants down” And you thought your first date was embarrassing.
Jay Leno’s comment…”This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.”
Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.
This just came in from a friend of mine:
You Know You’re A Hick When or “All They Forgot was the Duct Tape”:
OK…so, as you all know I am from south Louisiana. You also all know how most of us have been stereotyped into the redneck/po’ white trash/hicks. Well, sadly, it seems that assessment may not be so for off as I once hoped. I just HAD to share this with all of you so y’all can appreciate what I’m up against!
I have a younger cousin who’s about 20, maybe 21. She lives in a small town and will be getting married tomorrow. Actually, she’s already married – she got pregnant about a year and a half ago, they got married by the JP, but she wanted a real wedding…so here we are…Well being the good cousin that I am, I moseyed on over to the Wal-Mart site in order to send them a wedding gift. Oh. My. Gawd. First of all, keep in mind these people have
n-o-t-h-i-n- g…evidently they have rags in their windows for curtains – just trying to set the frame of mind these people are in, ok… So yeah, I’m over at WallyWorld checking out their list and who the hell knew the following were considered “essential” wedding gifts that every newlywed (or not-so-newlywed, as the case may be) couple should have (sure wish I’d have gotten this memo prior to my nuptials 11 years ago…) Here are some of the highlights:* a 6 person tent
* a lantern
* a Coleman camping stove
* a hammock (I am assuming that the above items might be needed in the case they receive an eviction notice. Should that happen, at least they’d have a place to sleep, light to read by (yeah, right), something to warm up the beanie weenies on, and somewhere for at least one of them to sleep)
* shotgun shells
* a Bratz movie “Cloe” doll (WTF? I’m not even sure I want to know)
* A tire. Uh-huh, you heard me right. One. Tire. Not four tires. Not even two tires. Just the one. Maybe they needed the spare to complete the set??
* and last, but definitely not least…the Pièce de résistance …one can of WD40 (with smart straw, of course) – again, I’m going on an assumption that this might be used in conjunction with that tire because heaven knows those lug nuts can be a beyotch to get off.I emailed one of my uncles (my mom was one of 15 kids) and told him that if I were able to go to that wedding this weekend, I sooo would show up at that reception with a gift wrapped tire and a can of WD40 strapped to it. I’d roll that baby right on up and plop it next to the buffet table. Hell, I’d might even throw in a socket wench or whatever in the hell tool you use to remove the aforementioned lug nuts 🙂
Please pray that this genetic defect bypasses my kids because I don’t think the hubby could survive it. Is it any wonder that he already gives me that “deer in the headlights” look whenever I do something that reminds him of my mom? I just smile and say, “Be scared. Be very, very scared.” LOL
My lord, when did my family become such hicks???? Ok, don’t answer that…but a tire…& WD 40????Serenity wrote:PET RULES
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door – nose height.
Dear Dogs and Cats,
…
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry
about
this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your
comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.
It is
not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the
fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out
and
having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing
but
sarcasm.
…😆 😆 😆
I can so relate to that!!! How many nights have I woken up to find out that my dog had managed to crowd me into about 4 inches of bed space, and then she has the nerve to growl at me when I kick her off the bed!
Not so much a joke but:
An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck. One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.
For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do. After 2 years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream. “I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house.”
The old woman smiled, “Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of
the path, but not on the other pot’s side?” “That’s because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them.” “For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table.
Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house.”Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it’s the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You’ve just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them. So, to all of my crackpot friends, have a great day and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the path!
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