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The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.”
“Yes, she says, “I remember it well.”
“OK,” he says, “How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?”
“Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!”
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation. Having a chuckle, he thinks to himself, “I’ve
got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.
I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble.” So he follows them.The elderly couple walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises, moaning and screaming.
Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground to recover, the old couple struggle to their feet and adjust their clothing.
The policeman, still watching, thinks to himself,”This is truly amazing, I’ve got to ask them their secret.” So, as the couple passes, he says to them, “Excuse me, but that was something else. You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?”
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, “Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.”
Air Force One arrives at Heathrow and President Bush strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.
They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well. Suddenly, the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The fart shakes the coach. The smell is atrocious! Both passengers in the carriage must use perfume-dipped handkerchiefs over their nose, but the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the incident.
The Queen turns to President Bush saying, “Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control.”
Bush, with his usual diplomatic aplomb, replied, “Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses.”
😯 😆 😆 😆
Is that truely your tree?
Well it’s original…and I bet it would look nice with a light behind it.If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through
the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead
goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out
LOUD!Overview: I had to take my son’s lizard to the vet.
Here’s what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me
there was “something wrong” with one of the two
lizards he holds prisoner in his room.“He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m
serious, Dad. Can you help?”I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and
followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards
was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I
immediately knew what to do.“Honey,” I called, “come look at the lizard!”
“Oh, my gosh!” my wife exclaimed. “She’s having
babies.”“What?” my son demanded. “But their names are
Bert and Ernie, Mom!”I was equally outraged.
“Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn’t
want them to reproduce,” I said accusingly to my wife.“Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their
cage?” she inquired (I think she actually said this
sarcastically! )“No, but you were supposed to get two boys!” I
reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet
voice, while gritting my teeth).“Yeah, Bert and Ernie!” my son agreed.
“Well, it’s just a little hard to tell on some guys, you
know,” she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).By now the rest of the family had gathered to see
what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make
the best of it.“Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,”
I announced. “We’re about to witness the miracle
of birth.”“Oh, gross!” they shrieked
“Well, isn’t THAT just great? What are we going to do
with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?” my wife wanted
to know.We peered at the patient. Afte r much struggling, what
looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing
a scant second later.“We don’t appear to be making much progress,” I
noted.“It’s breech,” my wife whispered, horrified.
“Do something, Dad!” my son urged.
“Okay, okay.” Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed
the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug.
It disappeared. I tried several more times with the
same results.“Should I call 911?” my eldest daughter wanted to know.
“Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.” (You
see a pattern here with the females in my house?)“Let’s get Ernie to the vet,” I said grimly. We drove to
the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.“Breathe, Ernie, breathe,” he urged.
“I don’t think lizards do Lamaze,” his mother noted to
him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I
mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy
is of her womb, for G~ d’s sa ke .).The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and
peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.“What do you think, Doc, a C-section?” I suggested
scientifically.“Oh, very interesting, ” he murmured. “Mr. and Mrs.
Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?”I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
“Is Ernie going to be okay?” my wife asked.
“Oh, perfectly,” the vet assured us. “This lizard is not
in labor. In fact, that isn’t EVER going to happen. . .
Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And
occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most
male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just
the way he did, lying on his back.” He blushed,
glancing at my wife.We were silent, absorbing this.
“So, Ernie’s just . just . . .. excited,” my wife offered.
“Exactly,” the vet replied , relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cr uel wi fe started to
giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.“What’s so funny?” I demanded, knowing, but not
believing that the woman I married would commit
the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.Tears were now running down her face. “It’s just .that . .
I’m picturing you pulling on its .. . . its. . . teeny little . . “
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once
more.“That’s enough,” I warned. We thanked the vet and
hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into
the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.“I know Ernie’s really thankful for what you did, Dad,”
he told me.“Oh, you have NO idea,” my wife agreed, collapsing
with laughter.Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard’s winkie:
Priceless!
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.
Lizards lay eggs!
My mother of all people sent me this! LMAO
Looking for White Dragons! Grail includes the White Secret Keeper!
Blackdesertwind wrote:😯 😆 😆 😆
Is that truely your tree?Oh my, no…mine would be made of Coors Light cans. 😉 😆
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