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LadyFirebird wrote:
Glad to have Snap back–bad jokes and all! 😆 😈 😀
I’ve got worse, dunno if they would be suitable here.
I found this tonight-it makes me laugh every time I look at it LOL I hope its not offensive to anyone. I can relate-I have a sweet tooth…fruit is good but COOKIE!!
WolfenMachine wrote:I found this tonight-it makes me laugh every time I look at it LOL I hope its not offensive to anyone. I can relate-I have a sweet tooth…fruit is good but COOKIE!!
Bwahaha! 😆
To: Southern Residents, USA
From: Santa
I regret to inform you that effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve.
Due to overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local209.
I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois,Wisconsin and Michigan.
As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.
However, I’m certain that your children will be in good hands with your localreplacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.
His side of the family in from the South pole.
He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.
Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: “These toys insured by Smith & Wesson.”
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave a RC Cola and porkrinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn’t smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus’ sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin’ coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen’s head now looks out over Bubba’s fireplace.
4. You won’t hear “On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen…” when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead you’ll hear, “On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and LaBonte.On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliot and Petty.”
5. “Ho, ho, ho!” has been replaced by “Yee Haw!” And you also are likely to hear Bubba’s elves reply, “I her’d dat!”
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus’ sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words, “Back Off!” The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) peeing on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as “Miracle on 34th Street” and “It’s a Wonderful Life” will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you will see “Boss Hogg Saves Christmas” and “Smokey and the Bandit IV” featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of State Patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn’t wear a belt. If I were you, I’d make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like “Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer” and Bing Crosby’s “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town”. This year, songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. These song titles will be Mark Chesnutt’s “Bubba Claus shot the jukebox”; Cledus T. Judd’s, “All I want for Christmas is my Woman and a Six-pack”, and Hank Williams Jr’s “If You Don’t Like Bubba Claus, You Shove It.”
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
(Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)
Worst first date story ever!!!Maybe you saw this on the Tonight show. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not! We have all had bad dates, but this one takes the cake. Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was midwinter, snowing and quite cold and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City,Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight), they were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun and relatively uneventful until they were heading home late that afternoon.
They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere. Her companion suggest she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and the slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn’t have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking.
All she could think of was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing, however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car’s fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humour of the moment, she answered her date’s concerns about, “What is taking so long?” with a reply that indeed she was, “Freezing her butt off,”
and in need of some assistance. He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.
Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal. Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt of the fender.
As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show Prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be “pants down”. And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno’s comment was…”This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.” Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.
( I laughed so hard I literally ‘screamed’ with laughter and ‘wet’ myself!!!!)
twindragonsmum XD XD XD
tdm
A Modern Romance Story
He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.
He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear. “Just relax.”
Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn’t care. His touch was so experienced, so sure.
When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage.. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.
Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking “No” for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say … “Okay ma’am,” said a voice, “All done.”
My eyes snapped open and he was standing in front of me, smiling, holding out my purse. “You can board your flight now.”
Wonderful !
copper83 wrote:Three Wishes
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.The frog said to her, “If you release me from this trap, I will grant
you 3 wishes.” She did and the frog said, “Thank you, but I failed to
mention that there is a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish
for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!”The woman said, “That’s okay.” For her first wish, she wanted to be
the most beautiful woman in the world.The frog warned her, “You do realize that this wish will also make
your husband the most handsome man in the world, and women will flock
to him.”The woman replied, ” That’s okay, because I will be the most beautiful
woman, and he will only have eyes for me.” So, KAZAM – she became the
most beautiful woman in the world!For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, “That will make your husband the richest man in the
world, and he will be ten times richer than you.”The woman said, ” That’s okay because what’s mine is his and what’s
his is mine.” So, KAZAM she became the richest woman in the world!The frog asked her what she would like for her third wish. She said,
“I’d like a mild heart attack.”Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don’t mess with them.
——————————————
You think men would learn…
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says , ‘Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?’
‘Reading a book,’ she replies, (thinking, Isn’t that obvious?)
‘You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,’ he informs her.
‘I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m reading .’
‘Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.’
‘If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault,’ says the woman.
‘But I haven’t even touched you,’ says the game warden.
‘That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.’
‘Have a nice day ma’am,’ and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It’s likely she can also think.
Jasmine wrote:A Modern Romance Story
“You can board your flight now.”
ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to the shut-ins.I used to take my 4yr. old with me on evening rounds.She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age,particularly canes,walking sticks and wheelchairs.One day I found her staring at some false teeth soaking in a glass.As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions,she merely turned and whispered:”The Tooth Fairy is never going to believe this.” 😆Every act matters.No matter how small💞
(Wanted......Brimstone Lap)
Male Hearth....one day🤞Dream on.Check for Alzheimer’s – Pretty Amazing.
The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of
Psychiatry at Harvard University Take your time and see if you can
read each line aloud without a mistake.The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!
1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and I
betcha’ you cannot resist passing it on……….twindragonsmum 😆
tdm
A man was on a road trip and after driving for 18 hours, he found himself yawning. He was looking for a place to sleep when he came upon this sign: “Grandma’s House of Women”. He thought for a minute, then shrugged and said, “Why not?”. He stopped, walked inside and told the elderly woman “I’ll take one room.”. She gave him a key and told him to go to the last door on the left, but when he walked through the door, he was outside! That’s when he found this sign: “You just got screwed by Grandma!” (If someone found this inappropriate, I’ll take it down)
I had to share this one…
An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Bubba:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, DadA few days later, he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad:
For heaven’s sake, Dad, don’t dig up that garden. That’s where I buried the BODIES.
Love, BubbaAt 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad:
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Bubba
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