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This is not a joke but something to think about
$20.00
A well-known speaker started off his seminar by:
holding up a $20.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked,
‘Who would like this $20 bill?’Hands started going up.
He said, ‘I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this.
He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill.He then asked, ‘Who still wants it?’
Still the hands were up in the air.
Well, he replied, ‘What if I do this?’
And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe.
He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty.‘Now, who still wants it?’
Still the hands went into the air.
My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson.
No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value.
It was still worth $20.Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we
make and the circumstances that come our way.
We feel as though we are worthless.
But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value.
Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you.
The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE and
WHOSE WE ARE.You are special – Don’t EVER forget it.’
If you do not pass this on, you may never know the lives it touches, the hurting hearts it speaks to,
or the hope that it can bring.
Count your blessings, not your problems.Time for a little fun:
20 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car with Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don’t Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It “In.”
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write “For Smuggling Diamonds”
7. Finish All Your sentences with “In Accordance With The Prophecy.”
8. Don t use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is “To Go.”
12. Sing Along At The Opera
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don’t Rhyme
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance , Tell Your Friends You Can’t Attend Their Party Because You’re Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream “I Won! I Won!”
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling “Run For Your Lives, They’re Loose!!”
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. “Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.”
I got a ton of ’em:
Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management
technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The
funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out
over a crystal clear stream.2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running
water.3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a
cascade
of serenity.7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face
of the person you are holding underwater.~~~See? It really does work. You’re smiling already~~~
😆 That is so wrong, but, so funny. I loved the insanity one too. I’ve thought of doing some of those at work before.
Signs:
Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office:
“Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”
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In a Podiatrist’s office:
“Time wounds all heels.”
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On a Septic Tank Truck :
Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels
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At a Proctologist’s door:
“To expedite your visit please back in.”
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On a Plumber’s truck:
“We repair what your husband fixed.”
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On another Plumber’s truck:
“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber..”
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On a Church’s Billboard:
“7 days without God makes one weak.”
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At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
“Invite us to your next blowout.”**************************
At a Towing company:
“We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.”
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On an Electrician’s truck:
“Let us remove your shorts.”
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In a Nonsmoking Area:
“If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”
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On a Maternity Room door:
“Push. Push. Push.”
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At an Optometrist’s Office :
“If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”
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On a Taxidermist’s window:
“We really know our stuff.”
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On a Fence:
“Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!”
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At a Car Dealership:
“The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”
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Outside a Muffler Shop:
“No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”
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In a Veterinarian’s waiting room:
“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
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At the Electric Company :
“We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don’t, you will be.”
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In a Restaurant window :
“Don’t stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.”
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In the front yard of a Funeral Home :
“Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”
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At a Propane Filling Station ,
“Thank heaven for little grills.”
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And don’t forget the sign at a
Chicago Radiator Shop:
“Best place in town to take a leak.”JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: “Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot andone for cold milk?”
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn’t remember any more. Melanie said, “If you don’t remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to
six.”STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. “I love you so much that when you die I’m going to bury you outside my bedroom window.”
BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she’d have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: “How does it know it’s me?”
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. “Please don’t give me this juice again,” she said, “It makes my teeth cough.”
DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: “How much do I cost?”
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: “Why is he whispering in her mouth?”
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, “I don’t know what’ll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?”
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: “The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.” Concerned, James asked: “What
happened to the flea?”TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, “Why doesn’t your skin fit your face?”
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget…. this particular Sunday sermon…
“Dear Lord,” the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his up turned face. “Without you, we are but dust…” He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, “Mom, what is butt dust?”
WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there’s a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.” Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, “If you catch me you can have me”. Well, he’s out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program, “Are you sure?” asks the representative on the phone. “This is our most rigorous program.” “Absolutely,” he replies, “I haven’t felt this good in years.” The next day there’s a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, “If I catch you, your ass is mine.”
He lost 63 pounds that week 😀
Nice gift
Hello, Is this the RCMP?’
‘Yes! What do you want?’
‘I’m calling to report my neighbour, Joe Two Weasels! He’s hiding marijuana
in his firewood.’‘Thank you very much for the call sir.’
The next day the RCMP descended on Joe’s house. They searched the shed where the firewood was kept. Using axes they busted open every piece of wood, but found no marijuana. They swore at Joe and left.
The phone rang at Joe’s house.
‘Hey Joe! Did the RCMP come?’
‘Yah!’
‘Did they chop your firewood?’
‘Yah!’
‘Happy Birthday Cuzin!!!’
Subject: Zen Truths
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much
leave me the hell alone.2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and
leaky tire.3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your
neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.4. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be
promoted.5. Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of
car payments.8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their
shoes.9. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.12. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
13. Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put
it back in your pocket.16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like ‘The Force’. It has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are
moving.20. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.This is so totally me:
Cleaning Poem
I asked the Lord to tell me
Why my house is such a mess.
He asked if I’d been ‘computering’ ,
And I had to answer “yes.”He told me to get off my fanny
And tidy up the house.
And so I started cleaning up…
The smudges off my mouse.I wiped and shined the topside.
That really did the trick…
I was just admiring my work..
I didn’t mean to ‘click.’But click, I did, and oops I found
A real absorbing site
That I got SO way into.
I was into it all night.<>Nothing’s changed except my mouse
It’s very, very shiny.
I guess my house will stay a mess…
While I sit here on my hiney.
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