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no worries dear heart! sometimes we have more time than usual or less time and so we become selective about which parts of the forum that we frequent… it’s all good 😀
twindragonsmum 😀
tdm
Nymphomaniac Convention
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston.”
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?”“Lecturer,” she responded. ” I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.
“I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.”
The Best Smart Ass Answers of 2009!!!
SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight. ‘Would you
like dinner?’ the flight attendant asked John, seated
in the front.’What are my choices?’ John asked.
’Yes or no,’ she replied.
SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure
gate to check tickets.As a man approached, she extended her hand for the
ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.Without missing a beat, she said, ‘Sir, I need to see
your ticket, not your stub.’SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, ‘Do these turkeys get any bigger?’The stock boy replied, ‘No ma’am, they’re dead.’
SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who
was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.’I’ve been waiting for you all day,’ the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.’
SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign
that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, ‘Got stuck, huh?’
The truck driver says, ‘No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.’
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2009!!
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. ‘Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!’
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, ‘What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?’ The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said:
‘Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.’
A BONUS EXTRA
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’
I can’t remember if I’ve posted this one before or not…oh well, they’re still hilarious…
Hollywood Squares:
If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when ‘ Hollywood Squares’ game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.Q. What made the monkey cry?
A. Paul Lynde: …learning that Tarzan swings both ways.Q.If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.Q.You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.Q. Charley, what story began with the discovery of magic beans?
A. Charley Weaver: Inherit the Wind!Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.Q.Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say ‘I Love You’?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.Q. Which measurement was larger for the first Miss America , bust or hips?
A. Charley Weaver: Well, out at ‘The Home’, we have one of the first Miss Americas, and her bust meets her hips!Q. What are ‘Do It,’ ‘I Can Help,’ and ‘I Can’t Get Enough’?
A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.Q. You’re watching balls going back and forth at speeds of up to 170 miles per hour. In what sport?
A. Joan Rivers: Jogging!Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget.Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.Q.Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries.Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.Q. If you’re eating spaghetti the Italian way, what is in your left hand?
A. Paul Lynde: A fly swatter.Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.Q.Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?Q Wh en a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.Q. What is a woman’s most effective weapon?
A. Paul Lynde … a pair of 38’s …Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A Charley Weaver: His feet.Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laughACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 —CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, ‘Well your Honour, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, ‘The Double Mint Twins are coming’ and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ‘ Logan ‘s Linament will Reduce the swelling,’ and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, ‘William’s Big Stick Did the Trick,’ and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, ‘Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident’… I just lost it.’
‘CASE DISMISSED!!’
Moles
A papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole,
all live together in a little mole hole.
One day, papa mole sticks his head
out of the hole, sniffs the air and said,
‘ Yum! I smell maple syrup!’
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole,
sniffs the air and said, ‘Oh, Yum! I smell honey!’
Now baby mole is trying to stick his head
out of the hole to sniff the air, but can’t
because the bigger moles are in the way.
This makes him whine, ‘Geez, all I can smell is…..
MOLASSES!
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