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Just a few quotes and thoughts. 😉
1. “Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
2. “A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.” – J. Danforth Quayle, former U.S. Vice-President
3. “The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.” Robin Williams.
4. “Danger? I laugh in the face of danger – then I hide until it goes away.” – Xander Harris
5. “Television has brought back murder into the home – where it belongs.” – Alfred Hitchcock
6. “Let thy maid servant be faithful, strong, and homely.”
-Ben Franklin7. Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
8. We have an automatic air-conditioner. Every time the weather gets very hot it automatically breaks down.
9. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
10. How come “abbreviated” is such a long word?
11. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
12. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where train stops. On my desk, I have a work station…what more can I say?
13. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
14. “Hard work never killed anybody” But why take the risk!
15. I have learned that if you upset your wife, she nags you. If you upset her even more you get the silent treatment. Don’t you think it’s worth the extra effort?
16. An old lady owned two monkeys. One day they both died, so she took them to the taxidermist. “So you want them mounted?” asked the taxidermist. To which she replied: “No. Holding hands will do just fine.”
17. A child at a Christian school was studying the early days of Mormonism in his class. He wrote on his paper, “The early Mormons believed in having more than one wife. This is called polygamy. But we believe in having only one wife. This is called monotony”
18. The patient came into the doctor’s office, suffering from amnesia. The doctor asked, “Have you ever had it before?”
19. “That’s what she said” – Michael Scott
Vatican Humor
After getting all of Pope Benedict’s luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn’t travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.
‘Excuse me, Your Holiness,’ says the driver, ‘Would you please take your seat so we can leave?’‘Well, to tell you the truth,’ says the Pope, ‘they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I’d really like to drive today.’
‘I’m sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! What if something should happen?’ protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning..
‘Who’s going to tell?’ says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms.. (Remember, the Pope is German..)
‘Please slow down, Your Holiness!’ pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
‘Oh, dear God, I’m going to lose my license — and my job!’ moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
‘I need to talk to the Chief,’ he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going 205 kph.
‘So bust him,’ says the Chief.
‘I don’t think we want to do that, he’s really important,’ said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed,’ All the more reason!’
‘No, I mean really important,’ said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, ‘Who do you have there, the mayor?’
Cop: ‘Bigger.’
Chief: ‘ A senator?’
Cop: ‘Bigger.’
Chief: ‘The Prime Minister?’
Cop: ‘Bigger.’
‘Well,’ said the Chief, ‘who is it?’
Cop: ‘I think it’s God!’
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, ‘What makes you think it’s God?’
Cop: ‘His chauffeur is the Pope!’
Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humour out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.
God Bless!
I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I’ve aged, I’ve become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I’ve become my own friend. I don’t chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko or Windstone that I didn’t need, but looks so avante garde on my patio or mantle. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant! I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging. Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60 &70’s, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love … I will.
I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set. They, too, will get old. I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remembe the important things. Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody’s beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.
I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.
As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don’t question myself anymore. (Well, not most of the time!) I’ve even earned the right to be wrong. So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day(if I feel like it).MAY OUR FRIENDSHIP NEVER COME APART ESPECIALLY WHEN IT’S STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART!
twindragonsmum 😀
tdm
I’m with you, TDM! Well said and I agree 500% I too am getting older and I’ve gotten to the point of not even bothering to color my hair anymore. My grey hairs are all my experiences of all the ups and downs life has to offer–they are my medals of wisdom! So what if I look silly and frumpy–but I’m free of stabbing myself over with many pains of trying to regain that youthful body so I’ll look good in all those stylish clothes. I’m going through a rough time at work but realized this–all who personally know of my situation are behind me 500%! I have my friends in my corner–what more can I ask. They accept me for who I am–frumpy body, grey hairs and all! Believe me, I wouldn’t trade one friend for a billion dollars–I am already rich with having so many! 😀
twindragonsmum wrote:I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I’ve aged, I’ve become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I’ve become my own friend. I don’t chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko or Windstone that I didn’t need, but looks so avante garde on my patio or mantle. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant! I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging. Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60 &70’s, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love … I will.
I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set. They, too, will get old. I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remembe the important things. Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody’s beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.
I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.
As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don’t question myself anymore. (Well, not most of the time!) I’ve even earned the right to be wrong. So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day(if I feel like it).MAY OUR FRIENDSHIP NEVER COME APART ESPECIALLY WHEN IT’S STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART!
twindragonsmum 😀
Made me cry 😥 So beautifulNever Argue with a Woman
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, ‘Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?’
‘Reading a book,’ she replies, (thinking, ‘Isn’t that obvious?’)
‘You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,’ he informs her
‘I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m reading’‘Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.’
‘For reading a book,’ she replies,
‘You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,’ he informs her again,
‘I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m reading’
‘Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.’‘If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with Sexual Assault,’ says the woman.
‘But I haven’t even touched you,’ says the game warden.
‘That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.’‘Have a nice day ma’am,’ and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It’s likely she can also think. Send this to four women who are thinkers. If you receive this, you know you’re intelligent
tdm
HOW THE FIGHT STARTED….. .
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift..
The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
And that’s how the fight started….
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ______I asked my wife, ‘Where do you want to go for our anniversary? ‘
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
‘Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!’ she said.
So I suggested, ‘How about the kitchen?’
And that’s when the fight started…
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ______My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have sex?’
‘No,’ she answered.
I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying ‘Yes.’
So I said, ‘Then I’d like to phone a friend.’
And that’s when the fight started…
___________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ______I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that’s when the fight started…..
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ______I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first..
‘I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.’
He said, ‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’
‘Nah, she can order for herself.’
And that’s when the fight started….
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ______My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’
I said, ‘Dust.’
And then the fight started…
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ______My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.’
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started…
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ______My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, ‘Do you know him?’
‘Yes,’ she sighed,’ He’s my old boyfriend…
I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.’
I said, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’
And then the fight started…
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ______I rear-ended a car this morning…So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it…he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, ‘I AM NOT HAPPY!’
So, I looked down at him and said, ‘Well, then which one are you?’
And then the fight started….
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ______When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf
Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, ‘When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.’
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
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