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Cat Lover or Not, this is hysterical!
We’ve
all had trouble with our animals, but I don’t think anyone can top this
one:Calling
in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse,
I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I’m lying.On
one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the
truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had
sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next
day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage
on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in
to my wife’s wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my
wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.‘Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again.. Ple ase come reset it.’
‘You know where the button is,’ I protested through the shower
pitter-patter and steam. ‘Reset it yourself!’‘But I’m scared!’ she persisted. ‘What if it starts going and sucks me in?’
There was a meaningful pause and then, ‘C’mon, it’ll only take you a
second.’So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged
nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as
extremely cowardly.Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find
the button. It is the last action I remember performing.It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No,
it wasn’t the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It
was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she
spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and
stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I
was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and
snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to
control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of
speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.Wild animals are sometimes faced with a ‘fight or flight ‘ syndrome. Men,
in this predicament, choose only the ‘flight’ option. I know this from
experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and
cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.The impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.
Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying
on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of ‘been-there,
done-that’ paramedics.Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all
snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying
to suppress their hysterical laughter……and not succeeding.Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in
to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me
about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk
about, which it was.‘What’s the matter?’ They all asked, ‘Cat got your tongue?’
If they only knew!
Why is it that only the women laugh at this?
Body Statistics
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman’s heart beats faster than a man’s.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person’s skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.
Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.
Now, how many of the women here are going to go measure their SO’s thumbs?? 😆
Jasmine wrote:Body Statistics
Someone’s edited this to remove the point (no pun) of the joke. Oh well.
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, ‘A hamburger, fries and a coke,’ and turns to the ostrich, ‘what’s yours?’
‘I’ll have the same,’ says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order ‘That will be $9.40, please,’ and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, ‘A hamburger, fries and a coke.’
The ostrich says, ‘I’ll have the same.’
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. ‘The usual?’ asks the waitress.
‘No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,’ says the man.
‘Same,’ says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, ‘That will be $32.62.’
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. ‘Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?’
‘Well,’ says the man, ‘several years ago, I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.’
‘That’s brilliant!’ says the waitress. ‘Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!’
‘That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,’ says the man.
The waitress asks, ‘What’s with the ostrich?’
The man sighs, pauses and answers, ‘My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.’
What Gets Longer When Pulled,
Fits Between your Boobs,
Inserts Neatly in a Hole
AND Works Best When Jerked?
(scroll down)A Seatbelt you Pervert! Buckle Up!
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, ‘who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!’
The girl picks up telephone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:
‘Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but I’ll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?’
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him ….
‘You a gonna try again.’
The Castle [Dave wrote:“]
Jasmine wrote:Body Statistics
Someone’s edited this to remove the point (no pun) of the joke. Oh well.
Probably to keep it family friendly like we are supposed to. My kids read here too. 😉 😀
THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES
Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and
3 kids each for six weeks.Each kid will play
two sports
and either take music
or dance classes.There is no fast food.
Each man must
take care of his 3 kids;
keep his assigned house clean,
correct all homework,
and complete science projects,
cook, do laundry,
and pay a list of ‘pretend’ bills
with not enough money.In addition, each man
will have to budget in money
for groceries each week.Each man
must remember the birthdays
of all their friends and relatives,
and send cards out
on time–no emailing.Each man must also
take each child to a doctor’s appointment,
a dentist appointment
and a haircut appointment.He must make
one unscheduled and inconvenient
visit per child
to the Urgent Care.He must also
make cookies or cupcakes
for a social function.Each man will be responsible for
decorating his own assigned house,
planting flowers outside
and keeping it presentable
at all times.The men will only
have access to television
when the kids are asleep
and all chores are done.The men must
shave their legs,
wear makeup daily,
adorn himself with jewelry,
wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes,
keep fingernails polished
and eyebrows groomed.During one of the six weeks,
the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches,
and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or
slow down from other duties.They must attend
weekly school meetings,
church, and find time
at least once to spend the afternoon
at the park or a similar setting.They will need to
read a book to the kids
each night and in the morning,
feed them, dress them,
brush their teeth and
comb their hair by 7:00 am.A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information:
each child’s birthday,
height, weight,
shoe size, clothes size
and doctor’s name.
Also the child’s weight at birth,
length, time of birth,
and length of labor,
each child’s favorite color,
middle name,
favorite snack,
favorite song,
favorite drink,
favorite toy,
biggest fear and
what they want to be when they grow up.The kids vote them off the island
based on performance.
The last man wins only if…
he still has enough energy
to be intimate with his spouse
at a moment’s notice.If the last man does win,
he can play the game over and over
and over again for the next 18-25 years
eventually earning the right
To be called Mother!After you get done laughing,
send this to as many females as you
think will get a kick out of it and
as many men as you think can
handle it.Dragon Master wrote:What do thumb measurments have to do with anything??
There is a line missing about the length of a certain male body part compared to the length of his thumb. Full email here.
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