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Summary of Life
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandpa’s lap.GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don’t hurt.
3) Families are like fudge…mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you
once got from a roller coaster.
5) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . having a drivers licence.
At age 35 success is . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . … . having a drivers licence.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.Take the time to live!!!
Life is too short. Dance nakedBlackdesertwind wrote:Guess no one liked my jokes… 🙁 sorry.
I don’t check this thread every time someone posts… I let the laughs accumulate a bit. I thought those were pretty good though, especially the stuttering cat! 😆
Not a joke, but I thought you all might like this.
This will give you the chills……..GOOD chills.
A young man had been to Wednesday night Bible Study.
The Pastor had shared about listening to God and obeying the Lord’s voice.
The young man couldn’t help but wonder, ‘Does God still speak to people?’
After service he went out with some friends for coffee and pie and they discussed the message.
Several different ones talked about how God had led them in different ways.It was about ten o’clock when the young man started driving home. Sitting in his car, he just began to pray, ‘God…If you still speak to
people speak to me. I will listen. I will do my best to obey.’As he drove down the main street of his town, he had the strangest thought to stop and buy a gallon of milk.
He shook his head and said out loud, ‘God is that you?’ He didn’t get a reply and started on toward home.
But again, the thought, buy a gallon of milk.
The young man thought about Samuel and how he didn’t recognize the voice of God, and how little Samuel ran to Eli.
‘Okay, God, in case that is you, I will buy the milk.’ It didn’t seem like too hard a test of obedience. He could always use the milk. He stopped and purchased the gallon of milk and started off toward home.
As he passed Seventh Street , he again felt the urge, ‘Turn Down that street.’
This is crazy he thought and drove on past the intersection.
Again, he felt that he should turn down Seventh Street.
At the next intersection, he turned back and headed down Seventh.
Half jokingly, he said out loud, ‘Okay, God, I will’.
He drove several blocks, when suddenly, he felt like he should stop. He pulled over to the curb and looked around. He was in semi commercial area of town. It wasn’t the best but it wasn’t the worst of neighborhoods either. The businesses were closed and most of the houses looked dark like the people were already in bed.
Again, he sensed something, ‘Go and give the milk to the people in the house across the street.’ The young man looked at the house. It was dark and it looked like the people were either gone or they were already asleep. He started to open the door and then sat back in the car seat.
‘Lord, this is insane. Those people are asleep and if I wake them up, they are going to be mad and I will look stupid.’ Again, he felt like he should go and give the milk.
Finally, he opened the door, ‘Okay God, if this is you, I will go to the door and I will give them the milk. If you want me to look like a crazy person, okay. I want to be obedient. I guess that will count for something but if they don’t answer right away, I am out of here.’
He walked across the street and rang the bell. He could hear some noise inside. A man’s voice yelled out, ‘Who is it? What do you want?’ Then the door opened before the young man could get away.
The man was standing there in his jeans and T-shirt. He looked like he just got out of bed. He had a strange look on his face and he didn’t seem too happy to have some stranger standing on his doorstep. ‘What is it?’
The young man thrust out the gallon of milk, ‘Here, I brought this to you.’ The man took the milk and rushed down a hallway.
Then from down the hall came a woman carrying the milk toward the kitchen. The man was following her holding a baby. The baby was crying. The man had tears streaming down his face.
The man began speaking and half crying, ‘We were just praying. We had some big bills this month and we ran out of money. We didn’t have any milk for our baby. I was just praying and asking God to show me how to get some milk.’
His wife in the kitchen yelled out, ‘I ask him to send an Angel with some. Are you an Angel?’
The young man reached into his wallet and pulled out all the money he had on him and put in the man’s hand. He turned and walked back toward his car and the tears were streaming down his face.
He knew that God still answers prayers.
A male friend of mine sent me this email…not sure I was amused.
THE HUSBAND STORE
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance, is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, an excited woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor, the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
“That’s nice”, she thinks, “but I want more.” So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!” Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and drink beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited
I think that’s pretty funny, but I would’ve thought the last floor would’ve been men who qualified but were gay.
I would’ve stopped at Floor 4 (don’t push too much)… My husband would’ve stopped at the 1st.TWO BLONDE GUYS
It’s not too often that you hear a joke about blonde guys..
Two blonde guys were working for the city works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street working furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole and the other one filling it in.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn’t understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, “I’m impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don’t get it — why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?” The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, “Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we’re normally a three-man team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick” 🙄 😆
you guys are all way too funny, BDW, the stuttering cat one was so funny, that I actually woke my husband-to-be up from bed at 1:43 in the morning, just so that I could read him that joke!
DragonMistress wrote:you guys are all way too funny, BDW, the stuttering cat one was so funny, that I actually woke my husband-to-be up from bed at 1:43 in the morning, just so that I could read him that joke!
He must have loved you for that.
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