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Hahaha! I can’t stop laughing. I love numbers 9, 14 and 15 in the first set and “Karmageddon” in the second. Great stuff.
I got this one the other day…I laughed until I cried!
Pocket Taser (you have to ‘picture this’ !!)
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety….??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best…? I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, ‘don’t do it dip s**t,’ reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OFGOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
SON-OF-A-B***H, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently, I s**t myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I’m still looking for my nuts and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
😆 😆
😆 Read this about 5 minutes ago and can finally breathe again without ribs hurting. My cousin did that with a shock collar. He figured it couldn’t be that bad of a shock, so he put in on himself, turned it all the way up, and hit the button. Needless to say it never went on his mother’s dog (a cocker spaniel/ mini poodle mix that NEVER shuts up). Is it just a guy thing that they have to ‘feel’ to believe?
I don’t know! I got this mail from Scott, or I would buy one to see if he tried it! Maybe I should send one to a guy friend… 😈 I’d like to see it happen though. If it made me laugh till tears streamed from my eyes just hearing about it, then seeing would probably make me laugh myself into a seziure! 😆 😆 (Honestly I was laughing as I was going back and doing my best to make it “community friendly” by adjusting the cuss words. And I bet I read it 3 times. My face hurt, my tummy hurt, and I had to grab a kleenex! 😆 😆 )
That is hilarious! Although most of the men in my immediate family are smart enough not to try something like that…… on themselves…… 😈
Don’t know if this one’s new or not but I love it.
SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE
(This is hilarious – no wonder some people were offended!) This is the
message that the Pacific Palisades High School(California) staff voted
unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.
This is the actual answering machine message for the school.
This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and
parents to be responsible for their children’s absences and missing
homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their
children’s failing grades changed to passing grades – even though
those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not
complete enough schoolwork to pass their classes.
The message:“Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school.
In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please
listen to all the options before making a selection:
* To lie about why your child is absent – Press 1
* To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2
* To complain about what we do – Press 3
* To swear at staff members – Press 4
* To ask why you didn’t get information that was already enclosed in your
newsletter and several flyers mailed to you – Press 5
* If you want us to raise your child – Press 6
* If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone -Press 7
* To request another teacher, for the third time this year – 8
* To complain about bus transportation – Press 9
* To complain about school lunches – Press 0
* If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable
and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work,
homework and that it’s not the teachers’ fault for your child’s lack of
effort:
Hang up and have a nice day!
If you can read this – thank a teacher! if you are reading it in English –
thank a veteran!Hahaha…. Even though I saw this during the radio show…. so I wasn’t paying much attention at the time. 😆
You know you’re from the Gulf Coast when:
1. You have FEMA’s number on your speed dialer
2. You have more than 300 “C” and “D” batteries in your kitchen drawer.3. Your pantry contains more than 20 cans of Spaghetti-O’s
4. You are thinking of repainting your house to match the plywood covering your windows.
5. When
describing your gutted house to a prospective buyer, you say it has 3 bedrooms,
two baths and an open air feel to it.6. Your SSN isn’t a secret; it’s written in Sharpie on your arms.
7. You are on a first-name basis with the cashier at Home Depot..
8. You are delighted to pay $3.50 for a gallon of regular unleaded.
9. The road leading to your house has been declared a No-Wake Zone.
10. You decide that your patio furniture looks better on the bottom of the pool.
11. You own more than three large
coolers.12. You can wish that other people get hit by a hurricane and not
feel the least guilty about it.13.
You rationalize helping a friend board up by thinking it’ll only take a
gallon of gas to get there and back14. You have 2-liter coke bottles and milk jugs filled with water in your freezer.
15. Three months ago you couldn’t hang a shower curtain; today you can assemble a portable generator by candlelight.
16. You catch a 13-pound red fish
– in your house.17. You can recite from memory whole portions of your homeowner’s insurance policy.
18. You consider a vacation to stunning Tupelo, Mississippi .
19. At cocktail parties, women are attracted to the guy with the biggest Chainsaw.
20. You have had tuna fish more than 5 days in a row.
21. There is a roll of tar paper in your garage.
22. You can rattle off the names of three or more meteorologists who work at the Weather Channel.
23. Someone comes to your door to tell you they found your roof.
24. Ice is a valid topic of conversation.
25. Your drive-thru meal consists of MRE’s and bottled water.
26. Relocating to South Dakota does not seem like such a crazy idea.
27. You spend more time on your roof then in your living room.
28. You’ve been laughed at over the phone by a roofer, fence builder or a tree worker.
29. A battery powered TV is considered a home entertainment center.
30. You don’t worry about relatives wanting to visit during the summer.
31. Your child’s first words are “hunker down” and you didn’t go to Ole Miss!
32. Having a tree in your living room does not necessarily mean it’s Christmas.
33. Toilet paper is elevated to coin of the realm at the shelters.
34. You know the difference between the good side of a storm and the bad side.
35. Your kids start school in August and finish in July.
36. You go to work early
and stay late just to enjoy the air conditioning.37. Your garage smells like gasoline.
38. You’re more concerned about someone stealing your generator then your car.
39. You get excited when you see a CenterPoint/FPL truck in your neighborhood.
40. You get really excited when you see the cable guy.
41. You can create memorable meals with a can of SPAM and one gas
burner.42. You are prepared to wait in line at Starbucks for 2 hours to get a cup of coffee…..
2Huberts wrote:You know you’re from the Gulf Coast when:
21. There is a roll of tar paper in your garage.
This is so true. My family lived in Robertsdale, Al (15 min from the gulf) for 5 years when I was a kid and we had a roll in my mother’s laundry room.
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, ‘
Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a
job.’The social worker behind the counter said, ‘ Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You’ll have to
drive around in his 2007 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all
of your clothes. Because of the long hours meals will be provided.
You’ll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas
holiday trips.This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job
assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her
mid-20’s
and has a rather strong sex drive. A two-bedroom loft type apartment
with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage will be
designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year.’The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, ‘ You’re bullshittin’ me!’
The social worker said, ‘ Yeah, well . . you started it !!!!!!
OMG that was a good one! 😆
Gentle Lessons of Life
When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It
makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.A penny saved is obviously the result of a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say
the right thing at the right time, but also to
leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.The older you get, the tougher it is to lose
weight, because by then your body and your fat
have gotten to be really good friends.The easiest way to find something lost around the
house is to buy a replacement for it.He who hesitates is probably doing the right thing.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ‘XL’?
If you can smile when things go wrong, you must have someone in mind to blame.
There’s always something to be thankful for if
you take time to look for it. For example, I am
sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt. JDid you ever notice when you put the two words
‘the’ and ‘IRS’ together it spells ‘theirs’?The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their life’s
odometers. Not me. I want people to know why I
look this way. I’ve traveled a long, long way
and some of the roads weren’t paved.You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
One of the many things no one tells you about
aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.Ah.being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
First you forget names, then you forget
faces. Then you forget to pull up your
zipper. It’s even worse when you forget to pull it down.Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with
sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it’s called golf.Just about the time you think your problems are too big for you,
Someone comes along and makes yours seem small compared to theirs.
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