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Jasmine wrote:
This is what really happens to our packages:
Bwahahaha…. so true! Those evil big boxes.
Train Ticket
Three women and three men are traveling by train to the football game.
At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.
‘How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?’ asks one of the men.
‘Watch and learn,’ answers one of the women.
They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, ‘Ticket, please.’
The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emer ges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.
The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don’t buy any ticket at all!!
‘How are you going to travel without a ticket?’ asks one perplexed man.
‘Watch and learn,’ answer the women.
When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into a toilet just down the way.
Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding. She knocks on their door and say s, ‘Ticket please.’
I’m still trying to figure out why men think they are smarter than women.
This may make you think about a change of
careers….
When you have an ‘I Hate My Job day’
[Even if you’re retired, you sometimes have those days]
Try this out:
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson
Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins.
Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
‘Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized. ‘
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,’I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson &Johnson.’
HAVE A Great Day!!!
DragonMistress wrote:
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson…
…’Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized. ‘This is clearly a scam to get people to buy J & J rectal thermometers. Mine didn’t say anything about being personally tested. I felt like such a fool. Money back please!
The Castle [Dave wrote:“]
DragonMistress wrote:
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson…
…’Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized. ‘This is clearly a scam to get people to buy J & J rectal thermometers. Mine didn’t say anything about being personally tested. I felt like such a fool. Money back please!
I got this in an email from my husband, I’m not sure if you’re being funny or if you’re actually annoyed at me Dave!! I’m Sorry!!! 😳
Someone had to remind me, so I’m reminding you too. Don’t laugh…. it is all true…
Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!
01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
03. No one expects you to run–anywhere.
04. People call at 9 pm and ask, “did I wake you?”
05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way..
07. Things you buy now won’t wear out.
08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.
09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a
challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won’t get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
19. You can’t remember who sent you this list.
And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
Forward this to every one you can remember right now!
Never, under any
circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
I ran into Jim at work yesterday. He had been out for a few days with the flu. I asked him how he was feeling. “I’m better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience.”
“Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?” I asked in stunned disbelief.
“Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know that whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them?
I could hear her excitedly saying ‘My husband is home! My husband is home!’ “DragonMistress wrote:I got this in an email from my husband, I’m not sure if you’re being funny or if you’re actually annoyed at me Dave!! I’m Sorry!!!
Clearly I was not being successfully funny.
(Your turn to ask for your money back, I’d say. Oh, wait, I do this stuff for free. No refunds! No refunds!)
The Castle [Dave wrote:“]
DragonMistress wrote:I got this in an email from my husband, I’m not sure if you’re being funny or if you’re actually annoyed at me Dave!! I’m Sorry!!!
Clearly I was not being successfully funny.
(Your turn to ask for your money back, I’d say. Oh, wait, I do this stuff for free. No refunds! No refunds!)
OH!!!! forgive my pregnancy brain!!! I see the funny now!! lol 😆Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions
to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply
alternative meanings for common words.The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have
gained.3 . Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you
absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are
run over by a steamroller.10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by
proctologists.13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with
Yiddishisms.15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that,
when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by
Jewish men.
————The Washington Post’s Style Invitational also asked readers to take
any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing one letter, and supply a new definition.Here are this year’s winners:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
little sign of breaking down in the near future.2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose
of getting laid.3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn’t get it.6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running
late.7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra
credit.)9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s
like, a serious bummer.10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
when they come at you rapidly.13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into
your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.15. Caterpallar (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in
the fruit you’re eating.And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who’s both stupid and an a**hole.
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