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😆 Those all remind me of when I was staying wth family in Florida a few years ago – during hurricane season. Thanks, 2huberts.
God Loves Blondes
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble.
Her business has gone bust and she’s in dire financial straits. She’s desperate, so she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray… ‘God, please help me. I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery’
Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.
She again prays… ‘God, please let me win the lottery! I’ve lost my business, my house and I’m going to lose my car as well.’
Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays… ‘My God, why have you forsaken me? I’ve lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving.
I don’t often ask You for help, and I’ve always been a good servant to You.
PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order.’
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.
The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself…
‘Sweetheart, work with Me on this…. Go buy a ticket.’
Unclassified actual writings on hospital charts
1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. Medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
7. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
9. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
10. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. Skin: somewhat pale. but present.
25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalitiesA handful of 7 year old children were asked “What they thought of beer”. Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching.
“I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.”
–Tim, 7 years old“Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice. “
–Mellanie, 7 years old“My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn’t think this is very funny.”
–Grady, 7 years old“‘My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.”
–Toby, 7 years old“My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn’t have too much.
— Sara h, 7 years old“My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.”
–Lilly, 7 years old“I don’t like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.”
–Ethan, 7 years old“I give Dad’s beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.”
–Shirley, 7 years ol d“My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn’t make any sense.”
–Jack, 7 years oldROFL! #25 on the hospital chart. The beer joke was great! And the blonde joke was pretty good too! 😆 😆
Kids And Love
On what falling in love is like:
“Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.” (Roger, 9)
“If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don’t want to do it. It takes too long.” (Leo, 7)
Concerning why love happens between two particular people:
“No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That’s why perfume and deodorant are so popular.” (Jan, 9)
“I think you’re supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn’t supposed to be so painful.” (Harlen, 9)
Concerning the origins of love:
“Cupid kissed God and that got the ball rollin’.” (Julio, 9)
“One of the Greek lady gods got a crush on one of the Greek man gods. He tried to hit her with lightning and thunderbolts, but he just couldn’t get her away from him … After a while, they became the first married gods.” (Robbie, 9)
Reflections on the nature of love:
“Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too.” (Greg, 9)
How do people in love typically behave?
“Mooshy … like puppy dogs … except puppy dogs don’t wag their tails nearly as much.” (Arnold , 10)
“When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and they don’t get up for at least an hour.” (Wendy, 9)
“All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they can sit together in the dark.” (Sherm, 9)
What is the proper age to get married?
“Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don’t have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom.” (Judy, 9)
“Once I’m done with kindergarten, I’m going to find me a wife!” (Tom, 5)
What do most people do on a date?
“On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.” (Mike, 10)
When is it okay to kiss someone?
“You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, ’cause she’ll want to have videos of the wedding.” (Jim, 10)
“Never kiss in front of other people. It’s a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours.” (Kally, 9)
How was kissing invented?
“I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didn’t always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses.” (Gina, 9)
How a person learns to kiss:
“You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you.” (?)
The great debate: is it better to be single or married?
“It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!” (Lynette, 9)
“It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I’m just a kid. I don’t need that kind of trouble.” (Kenny, 7)
On the role of good looks in love:
“If you want to be loved by somebody who isn’t already in your family, it doesn’t hurt to be beautiful.” (Jeanne, 9)
“It isn’t always just how you look. Look at me. I’m handsome like anything and I haven’t got anybody to marry me yet.” ( Gary , 7)
“Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time.” (Christine, 9)
Concerning why lovers often hold hands:
“They want to make sure their rings don’t fall off because they paid good money for them.” (Dave, 9)
Confidential opinions about love:
“I’m in favor of love as long as it doesn’t happen when ‘The Simpsons’ is on television.” (Anita, 6)
“Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me.” (Bobby, 9)
“I’m not rushing into being in love. I’m finding fourth grade hard enough.” ( Regina, 10)
The personal qualities necessary to be a good lover:
“One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills.” (Ava, 8)
Some surefire ways to make a person fall in love with you: “Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores.” ( Del , 6)
“Don’t do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain’t the same thing as love.” (Alonzo, 9)
“One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it’s something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me.” (Bart, 9)
How can you tell if two adults eating dinner at a restaurant are in love?
“Just see if the man picks up the check. That’s how you can tell if he’s in love.” (John, 9)
“Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food.” (Brad, 9)
“It’s love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it’s just like how their hearts are on fire.” (Christine, 9)
What most people are thinking when they say “I love you”:
“The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day. (Michelle, 9)
How to make love endure:
“Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work.” (Dick, 7)
“Don’t forget your wife’s name … That will mess up the love.” ( Erin , 9)
“Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash.” (Dave, 9)
“Don’t say you love somebody and then change your mind … Love isn’t like picking what movie you want to watch.” (Natalie, 9)
Doctors’ Opinions of Universal Health Care
When a panel of doctors was asked their opinion on the proposed Universal Health Care program, here’s what they had to say:
The Allergists voted to scratch it, and the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it; but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body!”, while the Pediatricians said, “Oh, Grow up!”
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Radiologists could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, “This puts a whole new face on the matter.”
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn’t hold water.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some a**hole in Administration.
Best Menopause Question Ever
Q:
How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?Woman’s Answer:
One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don’t even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And,once they figured it out, they wouldn’t be able to find the #&%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES
THE TOILET PAPER ROLL!!I’m sorry.
What was the question?
tdm
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