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A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asked him,
‘What happened to you?’ ‘Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.’ We went to look for
them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.’‘I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it – stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt.’ Still holding the cow’s
tail up, I yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!’ ‘I don’t remember much after that… “There is a church here in Fort Myers that had a young, very big-busted organist. Her breasts are so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she plays the organ. Her trim waist makes the jiggle even that more apparent.
Unfortunately she distracts the congregation considerably- especially the men. Our very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons though because they are so sour, they will make your mouth pucker up and you won’t be able to talk properly for a while. She agreed to try it.
This Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said, ‘Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a Thermon tewday.’
EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH
A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Florida and goes
to a big everything-under-one-roof department store
looking for a job.The Manager says, ‘Do you have any sales experience?’
The kid says ‘Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin.’
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.
‘You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close
and see how you did.’His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
‘How many customers bought something from you today?’The kid says, ‘One.’
The boss says, ‘Just one? Our sales people average 20
to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?’The kid says, ‘$101,237.65.’
The boss says, ‘$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?’
The kid says, ‘First, I sold him a small fish hook.
Then I sold him a medium fishhook.
Then I sold him a larger fishhook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing,
and he said down the coast, so I told him he
was going to need a boat, so we went down to
the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda
Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the
automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition.’The boss said ‘A guy came in here to buy a fish hook
and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?’The kid said ‘No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons
for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot, you
should go fishing.’Leigha wrote:heh, I notice he didn’t say he sold him the tampons too.
Yeah, I don’t think she’s going to be happy when hubby gets back!! 😆
Adaneth wrote:Leigha wrote:heh, I notice he didn’t say he sold him the tampons too.
Yeah, I don’t think she’s going to be happy when hubby gets back!! 😆
I can see the argument now…. “I sent you out for tampons and you come back with a TRUCK!!!???”
I think that kid is keeping his job though… 😆 That’s one heck of a sale.
I love puns 😆
“Suppose you were an idiot … And suppose you were a member of Congress… But I repeat myself.” – Mark Twain
01.Those who jump off a bridge in Paris … are in Seine.
02. A backward poet writes … inverse.
03. A man’s home is his castle …, in a manor of speaking.
04. Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.
05. Practice safe eating – always use condiments.
06. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
07. A man needs a mistress … just to break the monogamy.
08. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
09. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
10. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
11. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
12. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
13. When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.
14. A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired.
15. The definition of a will?… (It’s a giveaway.)
16. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
17. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your Count votes.
18. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
19. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
20. If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
21. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
22. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
23. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
24. You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
25. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
26. He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
27. Every calendar’s days are numbered.
28. A lot of money is tainted: It taint yours and it taint mine.
29. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
30. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
31. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
32. A petite fortune teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
33. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
34. Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.
35. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
36. Santa’s helpers are subordinate Clauses.
37. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
INSTALLING A HUSBAND
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as · Romance 9.5 and · Personal Attention 6.5, and th en installed undesirable programs such as · NBA 5.0, · NFL 3.0 and · Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. ·
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Signed, Desperate.DEAR DESPERATE,
First, keep in mind, · Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while · Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. · If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. ·
Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend · Cooking 3.0 and · Hot Lingerie 7.7.Good Luck Babe!
Tech SupportCheck out this link to see two kids frolic around a sprinkler
http://www.maniacworld.com/twin-baby-moose-in-sprinkler.html
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