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Ooh, just got this from Cat.
TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God
and I didn’t..
2.. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don’t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.6.. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.9.. I’m not a complete idiot — Some parts are just missing.
10… Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?16.. Being ‘over the hill’ is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18 . Procrastinate Now!19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance..22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
thousand times the memory.26.. Ham and eggs…A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there’s no background music.28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don’t know what the hell is going on.Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
Life is too short and friends are too fewThink before you speak…
Have you ever asked your child a question one too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said ‘No’. I kept thinking ‘Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don’t have any clothes with me.’ Then I said, ‘Danny, are you SURE you didn’t have an accident?’ ‘No,’ he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, ‘Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled ‘SEE MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!’ While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they’d ever had!
WHEN I SAY I’M BROKE…I’M BROKE!!
Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by
a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner..
‘Good morning,’ said the young man. ‘If I could take a couple of
minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in
high-powered vacuum cleaners.’
‘Go away!’ I said. ‘I haven’t got any money!’, ‘I’m broke!’ and
proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and
pushed wide open. ‘Don’t be too hasty!’ he said. ‘Not until you have at
least seen my demonstration’. And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse
manure onto my hallway carpet. ‘If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse
manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.’
I stepped back and said, ‘Well I hope you’ve got a F*cking good
appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What
part of broke do you not understand?’The funniest thing about that, is that my brother used to sell vacuum cleaners… well, he never got past training, his moral fibers were killing him… 🙄
This is hillarious, Joss Whedon’s new project:
http://www.drhorrible.com/index.html
Didn’t know Neil Patrick Harris had such a nice singing voice… 😆
Obviously blonde…. 🙄 Well, in the joking, intelligence sort of way. I know some very smart blondes, actually 😀
Greater Basilisk wrote:Hah, I know that episode! I Love Lucy was a great show.
Still to this day one of my favs and no one has touched it yet
Jasmine wrote:Joss Whedon’s new project
Many thanks for the link. Can’t wait for tomorrow. Act III. Wonderful stuff!
AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive…. so, I took her to a gas station…..
And then the fight started….************************************************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license
to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet
at home.I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That
silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social
Security application.When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.
She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too’And then the fight started…..
***********************************************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.My wife asked,’Do you know her?’ ‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old
girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many
years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?’
And then the fight started…..***********************************************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of
his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just
seem funny?Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it…. he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, ‘I AM NOT
HAPPY!!!’So, I looked down at him and said, ‘Well, then which one are you?’
And then the fight started…..
***********************************************************************
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Jake the Wonder
dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I
had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I’m retired
with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, and
that I was starting the Purina Diet again.I told her that I probably shouldn’t; because, although I’d lost 50
pounds, I ended up in the hospital and I awakened in an intensive care
ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I
told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one
or two every time you feel hungry and that the food was nutritionally
complete.I then told her that I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here
that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food
poisoned me. I told her that it hadn’t; I stepped off a curb to sniff an
Irish Setter’s butt and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was
laughing so hard!
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