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Dragon87 wrote:
I may be cruel and sadistic but I really like the fire engine on fire. I would call that an epic fail. 😈
That one made me grin too. I can’t help but wonder how many years that story’s going to be floating around that fire department…. 😆
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: Two Prostitutes — $50.00.
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they’d either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: JESUS SAVES.
One of the girls asked the officer, ‘How come you don’t stop them?!’
Well, that’s a little different, the officer smiled. Their sign pertains to religion.
So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.
The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.
Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:
Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter — $50.00
Jasmine wrote:Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: Two Prostitutes — $50.00.
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they’d either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: JESUS SAVES.
One of the girls asked the officer, ‘How come you don’t stop them?!’
Well, that’s a little different, the officer smiled. Their sign pertains to religion.
So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.
The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.
Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:
Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter — $50.00
😆 😆
I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year.
Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.
I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pass-time while driving alone is picking your nose. (Although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot)
Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!
I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face…disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don’t support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
And thanks to your great advice, I can’t ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
I can no longer drive my car because I can’t buy gas from certain gas companies!
If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician…
Have a wonderful day….
Oh, by the way…..
A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered
that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late. 😆Even though water boiled in a microwave can blow up. If you put something like a teabag in it. Superheating, water goes over 100C or whatever water boils at in Farenheight since it has no cracks in the ceramic for the bubbles to form, and if you add the teabag… instant place for gas to form and expand.
Will it disfigure you for life if it does blow? Probably not. It’ll just hurt like a b**ch for a while.
But very funny otherwise 😀
I ruined it, didn’t I? 😆 😆
Adaneth wrote:(Is it bad that I recognize a lot of these? 😉 )
Nope, I got it in an email from a friend.
I really like the last one and had to share. 😉I’ve seen these before, a long time ago, but got a good laugh out of them again. I can well imagine that these dialogs actually took place.
Called Disorder in the American Courts, these arethings people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
> __________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of t he impact?
> WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
> __________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> WITNESS: I forget.
> ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
> __________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
> WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
> ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
> WITNESS: My name is Susan!
> __________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
> WITNESS: We both do.
> ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
> WITNESS: We do.
> ATTORNEY: You do?
> WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
> __________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
> WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
> __________________________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
> WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty.
> __________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
> WITNESS: Are you kiddin’ me?
> __________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
> WITNESS: Uh…. I was gettin’ laid!
> __________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
> WITNESS: None.
> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
> WITNESS: Are you kiddin’ me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
> _______________________________________________________ ___
>
> ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
> WITNESS: By death.
> ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
> WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
> __________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
> WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
> WITNESS: Guess.
> __________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
> notice which I sent to your attorney?
> WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
> __________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
> WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
> _________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
> WITNESS: Oral.
> _________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
> ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
> WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
> _________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> WITNESS: Huh….are you qualified to ask that question?
> _________________________________________________________ And the best for last:
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
> WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Blackdesertwind wrote:people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
I don’t get the connection. How am I supposed to scroll down the email in order to read it, if my scrolling device is a mouse, without having my hand on the mouse? Is it that people with sufficient brain activity somehow manage to operate their mouse by psychokinesis?
The Castle [Dave wrote:“]
Blackdesertwind wrote:people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
I don’t get the connection. How am I supposed to scroll down the email in order to read it, if my scrolling device is a mouse, without having my hand on the mouse? Is it that people with sufficient brain activity somehow manage to operate their mouse by psychokinesis?
I think it was meant as dragging the cursor over the words as you read them. 😉
I thinkit’s because you have no choice but to do it like the one saying I’m ina alien life from stuck in you mouse and I’m doing things to yoru fingers and it too last to pull away since I’m now smoking a cigarette type of thing
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