- This topic has 938 replies, 1 voice, and was last updated 13 years, 2 months ago by .
-
Posts
-
LOL…that was funny!
[img]
Alien!
Just Testing
I wouldn’t want to be the one to deliver a 250lbs baby!
Blackdesertwind wrote:LOL…that was funny!
I wouldn’t want to be the one to deliver a 250lbs baby!
Holy crap!!!!!! I think it would hurt to have that one… 😯
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America , Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as “HILLBILLIES.”
You must now refer to us as APPALACHIAN- AMERICANS. And furthermore …..HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a “BABE” or a “CHICK” – She is a “BREASTED AMERICAN.”
2. She is not a “SCREAMER” or a “MOANER” – She is “VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.”
3. She is not “EASY” – She is “HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.”
4. She is not a “DUMB BLONDE” – She is a “LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.”
5. She has not “BEEN AROUND” – She is a “PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.”
6. She is not an “AIRHEAD” – She is “REALITY IMPAIRED.”
7. She does not get “DRUNK” or “TIPSY” she gets “CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED”
8. She does not have “BREAST IMPLANTS” – She is “MEDICALLY ENHANCED.”
9. She does not “NAG” you – She becomes “VERBALLY REPETITIVE.”
10. She is not a “TRAMP” – She is “SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.”
11. She does not have “MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS” – She is “PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.”
12 She is not a “TWO-BIT HOOKER” – She is a “LOW COST PROVIDER.”
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a “BEER GUT” – He has developed a “LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.”
2. He is not a “BAD DANCER” – He is “OVERLY CAUCASIAN.”
3. He does not “GET LOST ALL THE TIME” – He “INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.”
4. He is not “BALDING” – He is in “FOLLICLE REGRESSION.”
5. He is not a “CRADLE ROBBER” – He prefers “GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.”
6. He does not get “FALLING-DOWN DRUNK” – He becomes “ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.”
7. He does not act like a “TOTAL ASS” – He develops a case of “RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.”
8 He is not a “MALE CHAUVINIST PIG” – He has “SWINE EMPATHY.”
9. He is not afraid of “COMMITMENT” – He is “RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED.”
10. He is not “HORNY” – He is “SEXUALLY FOCUSED.”
11. It’s not his “CRACK” you see hanging out of his pants – It’s “REAR CLEAVAGE”
Ewww rear cleavage
.(I don’t care what the person looks like… they can be smokin’ hot… there’s still no preparing for that… and I just don’t need to see it)
BROTHERS
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were excessively mischievous. They
were always getting into trouble and their parents knew all about
it. If any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were
probably involved.The boys’ mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful
in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the
mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy
to see the preacher in the afternoon.The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy
down and asked him sternly, ‘Do you know where God is, son?’ The
boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there
wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, ‘Where is God?’
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his
voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed,
‘Where is God?’The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and
dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, ‘What
happened?’The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, ‘We are in BIG
trouble this time,’‘GOD is missing, and they think we did it
The Whys of Men
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)2. WHY DON’T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don’t have enough time)3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don’t stop to ask directions)4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won’t hump women’s legs at cocktails parties)6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don’t know…..it never happened)And the personal favorite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn)One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, ‘What setting do I use on the washing machine?’
‘It depends,’ I replied. ‘What does it say on your shirt?’
He yelled back, ‘ University of Oklahoma .’And they say blondes are dumb…
—– ———— ———
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
‘I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.’
The woman replies, ‘I’ll miss you….’
———— ——— ———
‘It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,’ Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, ‘honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?’
‘Probably that I married you for your money,’ she replied.
———— ——— ———
Q : Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
———— ———
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
———— ——— ———
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder ‘Instruction Manual.’PREGNANCY
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
A: Childbirth.Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s
borderline irrational.
A: So what’s your question?Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor,
but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant.Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife
is in labor?
A: Not unless the word ‘alimony’ means anything to you.Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE ‘ESTROGEN ISSUES
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You’re adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You ‘re using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker
that says: ‘How’s my driving-call 1- 800-‘.
6. Everyone’s head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from ‘outer space.’
9. You’re sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats’ facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren’t just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
