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>> >> Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you can remember this: 😉
>> >>
>> >> A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
>> >>
>> >> “Do you know how they make these gloves?” he asked.
>> >>
>> >> “No, I don’t,” she replied.
>> >>
>> >> “Well,” he spoofed, “there’s a building in Mexico with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank,
>> >> dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size .”
>> >>
>> >> She didn’t crack a smile – “Oh well, I tried,” he thought.
>> >>
>> >> But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing!
>> >>
>> >> “What’s so funny?” he asked.
>> >>
>> >> “I was just envisioning how condoms are made!”
>> >>
>> >> Gotta watch those little old ladies – their minds are always working . 😯 😆twindragonsmum wrote:Kyrin wrote:I feel old, not only do I remember Hollywood Squares, but I can hear Paul Lende’s voice giving his dry satrical responses.
Kyrin
😯 😯 😯 Me too! 😯 😯 😯 I really loved the way he laughed….. 😀
twindragonsmum 😀
That makes three of us!
funny from Karen.
One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home. On the
front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this
was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.
On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old
ladies lying naked on the lawn.
This time my curiosity got the best of me, & I went inside to talk to
the Nursing Home Administrator.
‘Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?’
‘Yes,’ she said. ‘They ‘re retired prostitutes, & they’re having a yard
sale.’
😀 To All You Moms Out There…
Before I was a Mom:
I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn’t worry whether or not my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.Before I was a Mom:
I had never been puked on.
Pooped on.
Chewed on.
Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts.
I slept all night.Before I was a Mom:
I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests. Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.Before I was a Mom:
I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn’t want to put her down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn’t stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.Before I was a Mom:
I didn’t know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.
I didn’t know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.
I didn’t know that bond between a mother and her child.
I didn’t know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy.Before I was a Mom:
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every
10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn’t know I was capable of feeling so much, before I was a Mom.3 WOMEN IN A SAUNA!!
THREE WOMEN , TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.
SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.
THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. ‘THAT WAS MY PAGER,’ SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, ‘THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.’
THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.
SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER. THE OLDER WOMAN
FINALLY SAID………WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT… I’M GETTING A FAX!!
2 Fleas From Michigan
2 Fleas from Michigan got together and decided to meet for the winter in Florida. The first flea waited for the second flea, who arrived shivering and shaking uncontrollably.
“What happened to you?” he asked the second flea. The flea replied “I hitched a ride in the moustache of a guy with a Harley Davidison.”
The first flea said, “You should do what I do: Get on a plane, and find a nice looking flight attendant. You crawl up to where it’s nice and warm, go to sleep for a little while, and BINGO! When you wake up, you’ll be in Florida!” The second flea thought this was a simply wonderful idea, and vowed he’d try it the next winter.
Well, the next winter rolled around, and once again, the second flea arrives in Florida, shivering and shaking. The first flea says, “What happened? I thought we agreed on how you’d try to get here this time?” The second fleas says, “well, I followed your advice, and got on board a plane. I found a good looking blonde flight attendant, and I crawled up to where it was nice and warm. It was SO nice and warm, that I fell asleep. And when I woke up, I was back in the moustache of a guy with a Harley Davidson.”I got this one today, and thought it was pretty funny. I was almost crying by the time I got done reading it. 😆
The Chili Incident
I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented ‘You’re definitely going to $h!t yourself’ chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it,the next day both of your ***** cheeks WILL fall off.
Here’s the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No ‘Watson’s Movement 2’. Despite Habanero peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.
Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often
haunt in search of tasty tidbits.Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn’t until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don’t look at me like you don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m
referring to that ‘Uh oh, gotta go’ pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.The Habanero in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines,
forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.
I don’t know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here’s what I mean, and I’m sure some of you at least will be able to relate.
I could’ve warned that poor woman but didn’t. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible
that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward
off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.Here’s the thing. When you laugh, it’s hard to keep things ‘clamped down’, if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth
from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the
store and firing off a shotgun.Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I’d make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable ‘Oh my God’, floating above the toilet seat because my *** is
burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of ‘Shock and Awe’. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, ‘Sonofabitch!’, then quickly left.Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, ‘Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.’
That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose
and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, ‘IT’S YOU!’, then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to
shop at Kroger’s. I can’t say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they’re going to have to repaint the
store.
😆 😆
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