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😆 😆 Yesss… he can come work for me too. I can overlook a few minor flaws… and Hubby shouldn’t mind, he’ll finally have a gym partner 😆
Maebnus3 wrote:😆 😆 Yesss… he can come work for me too. I can overlook a few minor flaws… and Hubby shouldn’t mind, he’ll finally have a gym partner 😆
That’s one forgiving hubby, Maebnus! 😆
This man knows his Math
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.
This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.
‘Man, that guy is stupid,’ I thought to myself.
I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here’s why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
That’s 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.
Statistically, females drive half of these.
That’s 18,000 women drivers!
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
That’s 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.
That’s 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.
That’s 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
That’s 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
*That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.*Give her the finger?
I don’t think so!!!I think you all can appreciate this one…
I went into the gas station today and
Asked for five dollars worth of gas…..The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.
Blackdesertwind wrote:I think you all can appreciate this one…
I went into the gas station today and
Asked for five dollars worth of gas…..The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.
😛 🙄 Yep, that’s about right!! 😆
A police recruit was asked during the exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?” He answered, “Call for backup.”
2Huberts wrote:can’t respond
to any emails today,
Something has crashed
on my computer . .
HOW CUTE!!!2Huberts wrote:Blackdesertwind wrote:I think you all can appreciate this one…
I went into the gas station today and
Asked for five dollars worth of gas…..The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.
😛 🙄 Yep, that’s about right!! 😆
You would only get 12/ a fart here. Gas is gettign close to $4 a gallon and over for DeiselHurricane season isn’t quite here yet, but I thought I’d start us off.
As you now well know, we are in the peak of the hurricane season. Any day
now, you’re going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to
some radar blob out in the Atlantic Ocean and making two basic meteorological
points.
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida . If you’re
new to the area, you’re probably wondering what you need to do to prepare
for the possibility that we’ll get hit by “the big one.” Based on our insurance
industry experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple
three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at
least three days.
STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3: Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan.
Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida .We’ll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS’ INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane
insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long
as your home meets two basic requirements:(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in WisconsinUnfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area
that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would
prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be
required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the
insurance business in the first place. So you’ll have to scrounge around for an
insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal
to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can
drop you like used dental floss.SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows,
all the doors, There are several types of shutters, with advantages and
disadvantages:Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself,
they’re cheap.Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you
get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your
hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they’re very easy to use,
and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will
have to sell your house to pay for them.Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane
protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand
hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so.
He lives in Nebraska .Hurricane Proofing your property: As the hurricane approaches, check
your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio
furniture, visiting relatives, etc… You should, as a precaution, throw these
items into your swimming pool (if you don’t have a swimming pool, you should
have one built immediately) . Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn
these objects into deadly missiles.EVACUATION ROUTE :
If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route
planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at
your driver’s license; if it says ” Florida ,” you live in a low-lying area).
The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your
home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic
traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred
thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.HURRICANE SUPPLIES:
If you don’t evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them
now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible
minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with
strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM. In addition to food and
water, you will need the following supplies.23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the
power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.Bleach. (No, I don’t know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the
bleach is for, but it’s traditional, so GET some!)
A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a
hurricane, but it looks cool.)A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody
who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate
alligators.)$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can
buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near,
it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on
your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right
next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is
for everybody to stay away from the ocean.Good luck, and remember: Its great living in Paradise .
Haha! I don’t live in Florida, but I have family there and I stayed with them once during hurricane season, so this makes great sense. 😆
2Huberts wrote:STEP 3: Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan.
Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida .That post is rather humorous… especially the references to Nebraska, to me, since I lived there and handled long-distance coordination of hurricane clean-up in FL for the 2003-2006 hurricane seasons.
But I must say, whoever wrote it up has never lived in Nebraska. There’s nothing “sensible” about moving there on purpose. I’d recommend AZ… it’s quite nice there, usually, as long as you’ve got an A/C or Swamp Cooler. 😆
True Friendship
None of that Sissy crap
Are you tired of those sissy ‘friendship’ poems that always sound good,
But never actually come close to reality?
Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.
You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card-
Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.
1. When you are sad –I will jump on the person who made you sad
like a spider monkey.
2. When you are blue — I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile — I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.
4. When you are scared — I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5.When you are worried — I will tell you horrible stories about how much Worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused — I will use little words.
7.When you are sick –Stay away from me until you are well again.
I don’t want whatever you have.
8. When you fall — I will point and laugh at your clumsiness.
9. This is my oath…. I pledge it to the end. ‘Why?’ you may ask;
‘because you are my friend’.
Friendship is like peeing your pants,
everyone can see it,
But only you can feel the true warmth.
Send this to 10 of your closest friends,
Then get depressed because you can only think
of 4
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