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Not exactly a joke, But it made me laugh out loud………
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This one is soooo cute. (You might need to check for cavities after this card. lol)
Can you read these right the first time?
01) The bandage was wound around the wound.
02) The farm was used to produce produce.
03) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
04) We must polish the Polish furniture.
05) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
06) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
07) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
08) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
09) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting, I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let’s face it, English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England nor French fries in France .
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital, ship by truck and send cargo by ship, have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
PS. – Why doesn’t Buick rhyme with quick?
You lovers of the English language might enjoy this:
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is UP .
It’s easy to understand UP , meaning toward the sky or toward the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?We call UP our friends. We use something to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers, and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car . At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special .
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP . We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP ! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP , you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP
When it doesn’t rain for awhile, things dry UP
We could go on, but I’ll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP , so: Time to shut UP !
Oh… one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night? U-Pcopper83 wrote:Oh… one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night? U-P
😆 😆
The Widow and the Ranch Hand
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks the two of them worked hard and
the ranch was doing very well.Then one day, the rancher’s widow said ‘You have done a really good job, and the ranch
looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.’The hired hand readily agreed and went into
town on Saturday night.He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher’s widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
‘Unbutton my blouse and take it off,’ she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
‘Now take off my boots.’ He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
‘Now take off my socks.’ He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
‘Now take off my skirt.’
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.
‘Now take off my bra.’ Again, with trembling hands did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said: ‘If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you’re fired!’
😆
The Frog and Golf
A man takes the day off work and
decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he
notices a frog sitting next to
the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is
about to shoot when he
hears, ‘Ribbit 9 Iron.’The man looks around and doesn’t
see anyone. Again, he
hears, ‘Ribbit 9 Iron.’ He looks
at the frog and decides to
prove the frog wrong, puts the
club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the
cup. He is shocked. He says
to the frog, ‘Wow that’s amazing.
You must be a lucky frog, eh?
The frog replies, ‘Ribbit Lucky frog.’
The man decides to take the frog
with him to the next hole.
‘What do you think frog?’ The
man asks. ‘Ribbit 3 wood.’
The guy takes out a 3 wood and,
Boom! Hole in one. The
man is befuddled and doesn’t know
what to say. By the end
of the day, the man golfed the
best game of golf in his life and
asks the frog, ‘OK where to next?’
The frog replies, ‘Ribbit Las Vegas.‘ They go to Las Vegas
and the guy says, ‘OK frog, now
what?’ The frog says, ‘Ribbit Roulette.’ Upon
approaching the roulette table, The man
asks, ‘What do you think I should
bet?’ The frog replies, ‘Ribbit
$3000, black 6.’
Now, this is a
million-to-one shot to win, but
after the golf game the man
figures what the heck.
Boom! Tons of cash come sliding back across the table.The man takes his winnings and
buys the best room in the
hotel. He sits the frog down and
says, ‘Frog, I don’t know how to repay you.
You’ve won me all this money and
I am forever grateful.’
The frog replies,‘Ribbit Kiss Me.’
He figures why not,
since after all the frog did for
him, he deserves it. With a
kiss, the frog turns into a
gorgeous 15-year-old girl. ‘And that,
your honor, is how the girl
ended up in my room. So help me God
or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton.’THE ZIPPER
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn’t.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, “How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know you!” The Texan smiled and drawled, “Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.”
The frog story is too good! And I hope that girl in the too-tight-skirt learns a lesson about wearing practical clothes. 🙄
I’m not sure where to put these, but I’d like to share them anyway. Purplecat’s Chirpmunk is made for captioned photos. 😆
Jasmine wrote:THE ZIPPER
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn’t.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, “How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know you!” The Texan smiled and drawled, “Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.” 😆
Resimay
Deer Sir,
I waunt to apply for the reporter job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.
I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole really seam to respond to me well. Certain men and all the ladies.
Im lookin for a Jobb as a reporter but it musent be to complicaited
I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,
I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.
hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.
Sinseerly,
BRYAN nikname Beefy
PS : Because my resimay is a bit short – below is a pickture of me.
..
Employer’s response:…..
Dear Beefy-I mean Bryan ,
It’s OK honey, we’ve got spell check. You’re hired.
😉
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