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Oh man, that’s great! I wonder what the kid did to get the pidgeon that mad at him. And it’s so nice those two SUVs kept the little sedan from getting smushed… 😆
This one made me snicker:
In 1986, Dan Harrison was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant’s foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it..
As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Dan , lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then tru mpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn’t help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Dan summoned up his courage, looked to see if any guards were around and then climbed over th e ra iling and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan’s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn’t the same elephant.
The Helpful Eye Witness…
A man walks into a Bank, gets in line, and when it was his turn he pulls out a gun … and robs the Bank!…
But just to make sure he leaves no witnesses he turns around and asks the next customer in line:
Did you see me rob this Bank?
The customer replies …YES!
The bank robber raises his gun POINTS IT TO HIS HEAD and BANG!!!!!… SHOOTS HIM IN THE HEAD AND KILLS HIM!
He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man:
DID YOU SEE ME ROB THIS BANK????
The man calmly responds … No … but my wife did!
Hahahaha! I love this thread! 😆 😆
The best part about failblog is that it changes day to day most times. He is forever posting new things. 😉
working with the public
1. I am a cashier….You pay me for what you buy. I do not invent, manufacture, package or research products. I am a cashier. If you want to know if it contains peanuts…read the label..it will say “contains peanuts”
2. I think it’s great that you have 13 cents in your purse, under your wallet, beside your cell phone, somewhere around the 150 receipts you have wadded up in there, and one more penny somewhere inside the torn lining of your purse. Just give me the damn dollar so I can give your change back and wait on the 70 other people behind you. Having the exact change does not make you customer of the year!
3. I am not a pharmacist. I don’t want to know the intimate details of your symptoms and I can not tell you if ibuprofin or acetominaphen will work best for you. Go to the damn doctor and ask him. If I was qualified to prescribe medicine do you really think I would be a cashier??
4. I am not overcharging you. I do not even know the person who owns this company. Why would I over charge you so the owner of this company can make more money???? I am not Robin hood! Do you see me wearing green tights and a curly green hat? Come see me when I own this company and work the cash register, maybe I will consider over charging you then!
5. No!!! You can’t lay a dollar on the counter and run out because the person in front of you is holding up the line by digging for that penny. The year is 2007. If you buy something, it has to be scanned to put the money in the register. There are thousands of items in stores. I do not go home at night and study to memorize the prices. That is why we have modern cash registers. So we can scan items and the price just magically appears and that way, I can’t cheat you out of that two cents that we discussed earlier!
6. OK..your kid is cute, but I don’t want to have a conversation with a two year old. If I did, I would be at home having a conversation with my own two year old, who by the way is much cuter and much much better behaved than your offspring. Tell the Brat no and pay for your crap and get out of the way! I am trying to work here! There’s 50 customers behind you who would like to get dinner home before breakfast!
7. I’m sorry that you want 12 cents off of a $10 bag of candy. The candy is not on sale. I don’t care if it was on the sales rack or if you scraped it off the floor. It’s not on sale. If you lay in the floor, scream, cry and wet yourself, it still will not be on sale. Use a little common sense here. If you want to yell, you can Yell at the lady with the adorable little darling who spends his afternoons running through the store moving products from shelf to shelf while mommy is asking the cashier what she needs to take for her diarrhea. Maybe she will give you 12 cents to shut up. It works for her kids.
8. I am not a psychic. You can not stare at me and point at the wall behind me while talking on the cell phone about your husband’s hairy back and expect me to know what you want. Hang up the damned phone and speak, roll over, play dead, do something that makes sense! If you are that worried about your husband’s hairy back, ask one of the cashiers, perhaps they can prescribe a bottle of nair, which by the way..is on sale…12 cents off!!
Best story I got from working retail. I used to work in a clothing store. One day a man came in and wanted to exchange a pair of pants. The pair of pants that he was currently wearing. Can I just say, EEEEWWWWW. Buddy, I don’t know how long you’ve been wearing those pants, I don’t know if you’ve been going commando this whole time, I don’t know if you haven’t been pleasuring yourself in the pants and leaving remnants. So I’m going to have to say “NO”. And then he got upset because I said no.
Why are people so stupid??
I got the same thing about used Feather Bed, Memory Foam, and eggshell foam toppers, as well as used sheets!! “I don’t care if the receipt says I can’t return it if it’s even been opened, I used it and still want to return it!! NOW!!!!!!!!!”
Some people are unbelievably egotistical. 🙄 I don’t think I’d keep my temper – or job – for a day being a cashier.
(Real estate management is similar. Its bonus, though, is that the manager is the one holding all the good cards. 😈 )Martha’s Redneck Tips
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat from the table…no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
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