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twindragonsmum wrote:
This one is true and happened to my hubby’s boss in the last 2 weeks. Kinda sad, but really funny….
Rod’s bosses mum & dad went on a cruise to celebrate their anniversary. (I don’t know which one, 50 something I think….) While they were out at sea, in the middle of nowhere, the bosses father had a heart attack and died. Boss gets a phone call from his mum who lets him know what happened and that she could really use some help in talking with Social Security. For the last 2 weeks hubby’s boss has been dealing with some real idiots….. ! The lady he’d been talking to at Social Security wanted to know where the father had died. Boss replied “out at sea”. The lady responded “which island?” Boss, “no island, he was on a cruise ship” She asks again, “what island?” He says “Dad was in the middle of the ocean. There was no land in sight!” She says “There had to have been. Which island did he die on?” Bosses reply (again) “He didn’t die on any island. He died in the middle of the ocean on a cruise ship!” She asked again, “Yes, but which island?” At this point Rod’s boss bit his tongue hard because he nearly shouted at her “Gilligan’s Island!” but figured that would get him in a whole lot of trouble. In stead he asked to speak with her supervisor. He explained everything all over again to the supervisor who asked “What island?”……….
twindragonsmum 😀
😆 Funny and sad, as the man was dealing with a death in the family. People are so dense. 🙄 It reminded me of my husband’s visit to the parts store the other day, so I made him type it out:
I went to my local parts store the other day. I frequent this establishment and everyone there knows me and understands that I actually know what I am doing when I walk into this place. I also have very little patience with the general population and even less for those who cannot communicate at the most basic levels. I was just there for odds and ends… a few bulbs, a muffler clamp and, since I was right there, I decided to get my wife a rear wiper blade.
I drop my goods on the counter and the “new guy” comes out of the back. He starts ringing up my parts and looks at the wiper blade intently. I thought “Oh boy! Here we go…”
We’ll call him Elmer.
Elmer: “What’s this?”
Me: “Its a wiper blade”
Elmer: “I mean what is it for?”
Me: “It goes back and forth and wipes water off the windshield so you can see”
Elmer: “No… what is it FOR?”
Me: “A rear windshield.”
There’s now a few people waiting in line behind me.
Elmer: “No…” (Now he’s getting visibly agitated) “What’s it go on?”
Me: “A little arm about this long attached to a motor”. I hold up my hands about 16 inches apart.
Elmer: (his face is actually red now and he is trying to stay composed) “What car does it fit?”
Me: “A Saturn Vue”
Elmer: “It looks awful small. I just wanna make sure you get the right one.”
Me: “I said it was for the rear windshield and there is this amazing little machine over there that tells you what wipers fit what vehicle.”
Elmer: “……..Oh.”
I pause for a moment…
Me: “Actually its for my clown car. I’m going to be in the parade next week.”
The guy behind me doubled over hysterically. I picked up my bag and headed for the door shaking my head.
😆
The “Letter to California” was so true it’s scary. I’m born-and-raised Californian, and 99% of the time I feel like I’ve been transplanted into a loony bin. I don’t understand the allure of L.A., shopping malls, trendy clothing, spinner rims, or traffic noise. There is no excuse for “recreational” drug use, and I feel that the manufacturers and procurers quite frankly should be mulched. Never seen the point of sashimi: although I acknowledge its merit as a cultural “soul food”, it isn’t mine and I’d really rather eat my fish cooked because I know what lives in raw fish and I don’t want it in me. Boys walking around with their trousers halfway down to their knees incite only a desire in me to drop a live badger down the back of their drawers and watch the fun. For that matter, what is with the current girls’ fashion for jeans that end 1/2 inch below the top of the butt cleavage, and shirts that end three inches above? I have no desire to see anybody’s underwear, and could really have done without the discovery that some gals wear a jewelry chain running up the Great Rear Divide. (How on Earth do you launder that?!) Madonna’s ICBM bra was nothing by comparison.
I like planting flowers in real dirt that didn’t come out of a plastic sack. I like going out in the evening and hearing ten thousand happy frogs all propositioning each other in the pond over the hill. On weekends I wear jeans, T-shirts, and sneakers; there’s a pair of steel-toed rubber boots in the breezeway for visiting the chickens. I love the smell of horse and don’t half mind the smell of horse by-products. Watching my chickens and peafowl forage gleefully through the grass of their pasture is a lift even on the grouchiest day. I’m sure glad to have found the place we’re living right now: it has all of these things, and people who seem to be of a like mind. Thank goodness. 🙂
Barrdwing wrote:The “Letter to California” was so true it’s scary. I’m born-and-raised Californian, and 99% of the time I feel like I’ve been transplanted into a loony bin. I don’t understand the allure of L.A., shopping malls, trendy clothing, spinner rims, or traffic noise. There is no excuse for “recreational” drug use, and I feel that the manufacturers and procurers quite frankly should be mulched. Never seen the point of sashimi: although I acknowledge its merit as a cultural “soul food”, it isn’t mine and I’d really rather eat my fish cooked because I know what lives in raw fish and I don’t want it in me. Boys walking around with their trousers halfway down to their knees incite only a desire in me to drop a live badger down the back of their drawers and watch the fun. For that matter, what is with the current girls’ fashion for jeans that end 1/2 inch below the top of the butt cleavage, and shirts that end three inches above? I have no desire to see anybody’s underwear, and could really have done without the discovery that some gals wear a jewelry chain running up the Great Rear Divide. (How on Earth do you launder that?!) Madonna’s ICBM bra was nothing by comparison.
I like planting flowers in real dirt that didn’t come out of a plastic sack. I like going out in the evening and hearing ten thousand happy frogs all propositioning each other in the pond over the hill. On weekends I wear jeans, T-shirts, and sneakers; there’s a pair of steel-toed rubber boots in the breezeway for visiting the chickens. I love the smell of horse and don’t half mind the smell of horse by-products. Watching my chickens and peafowl forage gleefully through the grass of their pasture is a lift even on the grouchiest day. I’m sure glad to have found the place we’re living right now: it has all of these things, and people who seem to be of a like mind. Thank goodness. 🙂
Where in Cali were you born and raised? I was born in Fresno and grew up in San Jose and on the beach in Monterey and Carmel. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I’d leave but we are now in God’s Country (Soda Springs, Idaho) and everything posted in my brother’s thoughts is SO TRUE! We love it here; less than 3,000 people, 3 stop lights and EVERYONE waves at you (and not the one finger salute!) And I’ve never had the door held for me as often as here, and we’ve only been here 18 months! For anyone else; steal the story and pass it on! My gra’ma used to say that “good manners are the grease that lubricate the joints of society. Without the grease pretty soon everything starts grinding itself to bits and then falls apart; just like society”
twindragonsmum 😀
tdm
One more, sorry….. 😆
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,’Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. ‘Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?’ The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,’No…not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.’
(and yes, I’m blonde! My dad-in-law likes to send me these! 😀
twindragonsmum 😀
tdm
I was born and raised in Poway, which is in San Diego’s North County. I watched it get discovered and spoiled by developers; it’s been turned into a suburb of San Diego, and I can only be grateful that it’s not a suburb of L.A. I get a little hysterical every time I see a new housing development going in where fields used to be. And I am so, so tired of daft bastards on the roads trying to kill themselves and everyone around them. I really don’t care how much someone paid for their car; it doesn’t excuse petty idiocies like leaping into the lane in front of someone without signalling or even looking. And as for the ones with a cell phone glued to their ear while they’re doing this, well, I can think of several places to shove that cell phone, and I don’t think any of them would improve the reception.
I am a frothing environmentalist too jaded to get involved in the big groups; I believe in making a difference on the individual level and having respect for the land that’s around one. This means you don’t level hills so you can build on them, you don’t dump toxic chemicals into the water (directly or indirectly), and you live lightly on the land. Southern Cal has no idea how to do any of these things. Have you seen what happens to tadpoles when the water starts to get bad? They grow into frogs WITH EXTRA LEGS. I am not kidding. In an otherwise pretty area near Soquel, with beautiful redwood forests that seemed to be logged with at least some intelligence, I found a runoff pond full of five-, six-, and seven-legged frogs. I wanted to cry. The kids’ camp children I was leading that day got a real education on what pollution does. And of course, when the pollution levels get worse, the frogs just all die. There are no frogs in the stream by my parents’ house anymore; haven’t been for years.
Although my husband and I both have close family living in San Diego, I’ve been casting my eye further afield than California. I’m a cold wimp, but if push comes to shove I may learn how to deal with it just to get away from all of the foolishness! 😆
twindragonsmum wrote:One more, sorry….. 😆
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,’Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. ‘Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?’ The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,’No…not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.’
(and yes, I’m blonde! My dad-in-law likes to send me these! 😀
twindragonsmum 😀
Haha! Love it! (And I’m blond too.) 😆 😆
A two for one special today:
The Pain Killer Pill
A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man a shot.
‘No way! No needles!* I hate needles the patient said.The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects.
‘I can’t do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!’The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
‘No objection,’ the patient says. ‘I’m fine with pills.’
The dentist then returns and says, ‘Here’s a Viagra tablet.’The patient says, ‘Wow! I didn’t know Viagra worked as a pain killer!’
‘It doesn’t’ said the dentist, ‘ but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull your tooth.The KKK Wizard
Years ago, when I lived in Alabama, I used to attend a country church on Sundays and listened to
a really dedicated and focused preacher who was a man ahead of his time in terms of accepting
people for who they were. However, one day we were all surprised to hear this warm and gentle
man say:“Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a
horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not
intend to accept this.“Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family.”
No one moved. The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a
falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel Glory. Now stand and
confess your transgression.”Again, all was quiet, but bye and bye a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop
traffic slowly rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.“Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the
Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends you are a wizard under the sheets.”The preacher fainted, and the congregation roared.
Greater Basilisk wrote:twindragonsmum wrote:I was born in Fresno
twindragonsmum 😀
You too? Cool!
Were you? How did you wind up in Switzerland?
twindragonsmum 😀
tdm
Barrdwing wrote:I was born and raised in Poway, which is in San Diego’s North County. I watched it get discovered and spoiled by developers; it’s been turned into a suburb of San Diego, and I can only be grateful that it’s not a suburb of L.A. I get a little hysterical every time I see a new housing development going in where fields used to be. And I am so, so tired of daft bastards on the roads trying to kill themselves and everyone around them. I really don’t care how much someone paid for their car; it doesn’t excuse petty idiocies like leaping into the lane in front of someone without signalling or even looking. And as for the ones with a cell phone glued to their ear while they’re doing this, well, I can think of several places to shove that cell phone, and I don’t think any of them would improve the reception.
I am a frothing environmentalist too jaded to get involved in the big groups; I believe in making a difference on the individual level and having respect for the land that’s around one. This means you don’t level hills so you can build on them, you don’t dump toxic chemicals into the water (directly or indirectly), and you live lightly on the land. Southern Cal has no idea how to do any of these things. Have you seen what happens to tadpoles when the water starts to get bad? They grow into frogs WITH EXTRA LEGS. I am not kidding. In an otherwise pretty area near Soquel, with beautiful redwood forests that seemed to be logged with at least some intelligence, I found a runoff pond full of five-, six-, and seven-legged frogs. I wanted to cry. The kids’ camp children I was leading that day got a real education on what pollution does. And of course, when the pollution levels get worse, the frogs just all die. There are no frogs in the stream by my parents’ house anymore; haven’t been for years.
Although my husband and I both have close family living in San Diego, I’ve been casting my eye further afield than California. I’m a cold wimp, but if push comes to shove I may learn how to deal with it just to get away from all of the foolishness! 😆
Move here, to Soda Springs, Idaho. We have fewer than 3,000 people, 3 stop lights, naturally carbonated springs and each of them (and there are lots) all have a different flavor. We are basically a farming community and the people are fabulous. The largest class size in the elementary and middle school is 18. We have camping, hiking, fishing, skiing, ice skating (outdoor rink) all in less than 10 minutes from home. We have lots of space and gorgeous views! Come on up; Come home to God’s Country! It’s the way Cali used to be a gabillion years ago. Think Yosemite with no people….
twindragonsmum 😀
tdm
Baby’s First Doctor Visit
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
‘Breast-fed, ‘ she replied.
‘Well, strip down to your waist,’ the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ‘No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.’
I know,’ she said, ‘I’m his Grandma, but I’m glad I came today.’twindragonsmum wrote:Greater Basilisk wrote:twindragonsmum wrote:I was born in Fresno
twindragonsmum 😀
You too? Cool!
Were you? How did you wind up in Switzerland?
twindragonsmum 😀
Dad is Swiss. We moved four times before they finally decided to settle here, though. 🙄
Greater Basilisk wrote:twindragonsmum wrote:Greater Basilisk wrote:twindragonsmum wrote:I was born in Fresno
twindragonsmum 😀
You too? Cool!
Were you? How did you wind up in Switzerland?
twindragonsmum 😀
Dad is Swiss. We moved four times before they finally decided to settle here, though. 🙄
Sounds like my bro, David & his family. Dave is San Jose, Cali born and raised. His wife Chrissie, is Melbourne Australia born and raised. 2 of their daughters Renny & Taylor were born in Chico, Cali while their last child, Lauren was born in Melbourne. In the 14 years they’ve been married they’ve lived in the States for 7 years and OZ for the other 7. They usually move evry 3 years. Now Chrissie is wanting to come back to the States again and Dave is doing his eye roll bit….. We’ll see who wins this round by June 🙄
twindragonsmum 😀
tdm
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