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Check out this Website http://members.shaw.ca/anabw/grease.htm
Just got this one from a friend. I just had to share it.
Smart Ass Answers
SMART ASS ANSWER #6 — It was mealtime during a flight
on United Airlines. ‘Would you like dinner?’ the
flight attendant asked John, seated in front. ‘What
are my choices?’ John asked. ‘Yes or no,’ she replied’________________________________________________
SMART ASS ANSWER #5 — A flight attendant was
stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a
man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket
and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without
missing a beat, she said, ‘Sir, I need to see your
ticket, not your stub.’________________________________________________
SMART ASS ANSWER #4 — A lady was picking through the
frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn’t
find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock
boy, ‘Do these turkeys get any bigger?’The stock boy replied, ‘No ma’am, they’re dead.’
________________________________________________
SMART ASS ANSWER #3 — The cop got out of his car and
the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his
window. ‘I’ve been waiting for you all day,’ the cop
said. The kid replied, ‘Yeah, well I got here as fast
as I could.’ When the cop finally stopped laughing, he
sent the kid on his way without a ticket.________________________________________________
SMART ASS ANSWER #2 — A truck driver was driving
along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, ‘Low
Bridge Ahead.’ Before he knows it, the bridge is right
ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars
are backed up for miles.Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of
his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands
on his hips and says, ‘Got stuck, huh?’ The truck
driver says, ‘No, I was delivering this bridge and ran
out of gas.’________________________________________________
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR — A college teacher
reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. ‘Now
class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being
here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a
serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your
immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses
whatsoever!’A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his
hand and asked, What would you say if tomorrow I said
I was suffering from complete and utter sexual
exhaustion?’ The entire class is reduced to laughter
and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher
smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and
sweetly says, ‘Well, I guess you’d have to write the
exam with your other hand.’________________________________________________
Two bonus extras: A blonde goes to the post office to
buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the
clerk, ‘May I have 50 Christmas stamps?’ The clerk
says, ‘What denomination? ‘ The blonde says, ‘God help
us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12
Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.________________________________________________
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom
mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says
to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and
ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’ The
husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’
….He never heard the shot….LMAO! Jas, you have the best ones!! I so look forward to topic notifications from this thread!!
And OOOH my Fuzzer has wings!!
Thanks, I do what I can. Share the love 😆
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, ‘I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00 only on one condition… ‘
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.
The man replied, ‘You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.’
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20.00 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man’s hand along with her address.
She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said….
‘Clean my house.’
Two chimps and a Blonde
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged
down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked,
‘Are you going to San Diego ?’
‘Sure,’ answered the blonde, ‘do you need a lift ?’ ‘Not for me. I’ll be spending the next
three hours fixing my truck My problem is I’ve got two chimpanzees in the back which have
to be taken to the San Diego Zoo.
They’re a bit stressed already so I don’t want to keep them on the road all day. Could you
possibly take them to the zoo for me ? I’ ll give you $100 for your trouble.’ ‘I’d be happy to,’
said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde’s car
and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly
he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the
two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off
the road and ran over to the blonde.
‘What the heck are you doing here ?’ he demanded, ‘I gave you $100 to take these
chimpanzees to the zoo.’
‘Yes, I know you did,’ said the blonde,’ but we had money left over —
so now we’re going to SeaWorldThis one is true and happened to my hubby’s boss in the last 2 weeks. Kinda sad, but really funny….
Rod’s bosses mum & dad went on a cruise to celebrate their anniversary. (I don’t know which one, 50 something I think….) While they were out at sea, in the middle of nowhere, the bosses father had a heart attack and died. Boss gets a phone call from his mum who lets him know what happened and that she could really use some help in talking with Social Security. For the last 2 weeks hubby’s boss has been dealing with some real idiots….. ! The lady he’d been talking to at Social Security wanted to know where the father had died. Boss replied “out at sea”. The lady responded “which island?” Boss, “no island, he was on a cruise ship” She asks again, “what island?” He says “Dad was in the middle of the ocean. There was no land in sight!” She says “There had to have been. Which island did he die on?” Bosses reply (again) “He didn’t die on any island. He died in the middle of the ocean on a cruise ship!” She asked again, “Yes, but which island?” At this point Rod’s boss bit his tongue hard because he nearly shouted at her “Gilligan’s Island!” but figured that would get him in a whole lot of trouble. In stead he asked to speak with her supervisor. He explained everything all over again to the supervisor who asked “What island?”……….
twindragonsmum 😀
tdm
Sounds like Social Security, the Post Office and the DMV
I have had to have those conversations too thoughIdiots….TDM. I’m surprised he didn’t loose his temper.
My most wanted list: Peacock kitty wizard, carnelian mouse wizard, copper patina frog wizard, autumn leaf poads, pumpkin spice kitties
Compliments from my brother who lives in OZ (Australia) 😀
A letter from the “Western United States” to California.
Rules of Utah, Idaho, Wyoming, and the Wild West are as follows:
1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Turn your cap right, your head ain’t crooked.
3. Let’s get this straight: it’s called a “gravel
road.” I drive a pickup truck because I want to.
No matter how slow you drive, you’re gonna get
dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.4. They are cattle. That’s why they smell to you.
They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don’t
like it? I-80 goes east and west, I-15 goes
north and south. Pick one.5. So you have a $60,000 car. We’re impressed.
We have $250,000 combines that are driven only
3 weeks a year.6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It’s called
‘being friendly.’ Try to understand the concept.7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of
geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin’ in during
the hunts, we WILL shoot it outa your hand.
You better hope you don’t have it up to your ear at
the time.8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You
really want sushi and caviar? It’s available at the
corner bait shop.9. The “Opener” refers to the first day of deer
season. It’s a religious holiday held the closest
Saturday to the first of November.10. We open doors for women. That’s applied to all
women, regardless of age.11. No, there’s no “vegetarian special” on the menu.
Order steak, or you can order the Chef’s Salad and
pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.12. When we fill out a table, there are three main
dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads We use
three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah…
We don’t care what you folks in Cincinnati call that
stuff you eat… IT AIN’T REAL CHILI!!13. You bring “Coke” into my house, it better be
brown, wet and served over ice. You bring “Mary
Jane” into my house, she better be cute, know how
to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.14. College and High School Football is as important
here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site
more fun to watch.15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don’t hit the
water hazards – it spooks the fish.16. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State
Universities, Universities, and Vo-techs. They come
outta there with an education plus a love for God
and country, and they still wave at everybody when
they come home for the holidays.17. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force,
and Marines than all of you put together, so don’t mess with us. If you do, you’ll get whipped by the best.18. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That
thumpity-thump crap ain’t music, anyway. We don’t
want to hear it anymore than we want to see your
boxers! Refer back to #1!twindragonsmum 😀
tdm
i like that one.
My most wanted list: Peacock kitty wizard, carnelian mouse wizard, copper patina frog wizard, autumn leaf poads, pumpkin spice kitties
HaHa!! I may live in NY, but I’m a country girl at heart! And my husband? he’s “the son of a third generation farmer…” (for those of you non-country music fans that’s the beginning of International Harvester) Third gen dairy farmer. We’re a bunch of line-dancin’, boot scootin’ beer drinkin’ redneck firefighters! Yeehaw y’all! (LOL) That one was great, I’m stealing it!
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