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This was a great email I got and should be shared:
DID YOU KNOW?
Peel a banana from the bottom and you won’t have to pick the little “stringy things” off of it. That’s how the primates do it.
Take your bananas apart when you get home from the store. If you leave them connected at the stem, they ripen faster.
Store your opened chunks of cheese in aluminum foil. It will stay fresh much longer and not mold!
Peppers with 3 bumps on the bottom are sweeter and better for eating. Peppers with 4 bumps on the bottom are firmer and better for cooking.
Add a teaspoon of water when frying ground beef. It will help pull the grease away from the meat while cooking.
To really make scrambled eggs or omelets rich add a couple of spoonfuls of sour cream, cream cheese, or heavy cream in and then beat them up.
For a cool brownie treat, make brownies as directed. Melt Andes mints in double broiler and pour over warm brownies. Let set for a wonderful minty frosting.
Add garlic immediately to a recipe if you want a light taste of garlic and at the end of the recipe if your want a stronger taste of garlic.
Leftover snickers bars from Halloween make a delicious dessert. Simply chop them up with the food chopper. Peel, core and slice a few apples. Place them in a baking dish and sprinkle the chopped candy bars over the apples. Bake at 350 for 15 minutes!!! Serve alone or with vanilla ice cream.
1. Reheat Pizza
Heat up leftover pizza in a nonstick skillet on top of the stove, set heat to med-low and heat till warm. This keeps the crust crispy. No soggy micro pizza. I saw this on the cooking channel and it really works.2. Easy Deviled Eggs
Put cooked egg yolks in a zip lock bag. Seal, mash till they are all broken up. Add remainder of ingredients, reseal, keep mashing it up mixing thoroughly, cut the tip of the baggy, squeeze mixture into egg. Just throw bag away when done easy clean up.3. Expanding Frosting
When you buy a container of cake frosting from the store, whip it with your mixer for a few minutes. You can double it in size. You get to frost more cake/cupcakes with the same amount. You also eat less sugar and calories per serving.4. Reheating refrigerated bread
To warm biscuits, pancakes, or muffins that were refrigerated, place them in a microwave with a cup of water. The increased moisture will keep the food moist and help it reheat faster.5. Newspaper weeds away
Start putting in your plants, work the nutrients in your soil. Wet newspapers, put layers around the plants overlapping as you go cover with mulch and forget about weeds. Weeds will get through some gardening plastic they will not get through wet newspapers.6. Broken Glass
Use a wet cotton ball or Q-tip to pick up the small shards of glass you can’t see easily.7. No More Mosquitoes
Place a dryer sheet in your pocket. It will keep the mosquitoes away.8. Squirrel Away!
To keep squirrels from eating your plants sprinkle your plants with cayenne pepper. The cayenne pepper doesn’t hurt the plant and the squirrels won’t come near it.9. Flexible vacuum
To get something out of a heat register or under the fridge add an empty paper towel roll or empty gift wrap roll to your vacuum. It can be bent or flattened to get in narrow openings.10. Reducing Static Cling
Pin a small safety pin to the seam of your slip and you will not have a clingy skirt or dress. Sam e thing works with slacks that cling when wearing panty hose. Place pin in seam of slacks and — ta da! — static is gone.11. Measuring Cups
Before you pour sticky substances into a measuring cup, fill with hot water. Dump out the hot water, but don’t dry cup. Next, add your ingredient, such as peanut butter, and watch how easily it comes right out.12. Foggy Windshield? Hate foggy windshields?
Buy a chalkboard eraser and keep it in the glove box of your car. When the windows fog, rub with the eraser! Works better than a cloth!13. Reopening envelope
If you seal an envelope and then realize you forgot to include something inside, just place your sealed envelope in the freezer for an hour or two. Viola! It unseals easily.14. Conditioner
Use your hair conditioner to shave your legs. It’s cheaper than shaving cream and leaves your legs really smooth. It’s also a great way to use up the conditioner you bought but didn’t like when you tried it in your hair…15. Goodbye Fruit Flies
To get rid of pesky fruit flies, take a small glass fill it 1/2″ with Apple Cider Vinegar and 2 drops of dish washing liquid, mix well. You will find those flies drawn to the cup and gone forever!16. Get Rid of Ants
Put small piles of cornmeal where you see ants. They eat it, take it “home,” can’t digest it so it kills them. It may take a week or so, especially if it rains, but it works & you don’t have the worry about pets or small children being harmed!17. INFO ABOUT CLOTHES DRYERS
The heating unit went out on my dryer! The gentleman that fixes things around the house for us told us that he wanted to show us something and he went over to the dryer and pulled out the lint filter. It was clean. (I always clean the lint from the filter after every load clothes.) He told us that he wanted to show us something; he took the filter over to the sink, ran hot water over it. The lint filter is made of a mesh material – I’m sure you know what your dryer’s lint filter looks like. Well,.the hot water just sat on top of the mesh! It didn’t go through it at all! He told us that dryer sheets cause a film over that mesh that’s what burns out the heating unit. You can’t SEE the film, but it’s there. It’s what is in the dryer sheets to make your clothes soft and static free — that nice fragrance too, you know how they can feel waxy when you take them out of the box, well this stuff builds up on your clothes and on your lint screen. This is also what causes dryer units to catch fire and potentially burn your house down with it! He said the best way to keep your dryer working for a very long time (& to keep your electric bill lower) is to take that filter out & wash it with hot soapy water & an old toothbrush (or other brush) at least every six months. He said that makes the life of the dryer at least twice as long!I got this in my email….
Cat Lover or Not, this is Hysterical!
We’ve all had trouble with our animals, but I don’t think anyone can top this one:
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I’m lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife’s wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
“Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.”
“You know where the button is,” I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. “Reset it yourself!”
“But I’m scared!” she persisted. “What if it starts going and sucks me in?”
There was a meaningful pause and then, “C’mon, it’ll only take you a second.”
So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly.
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn’t the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a “fight or flight” syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the “flight” option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.
Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of “been-there, done-that” paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter……and not succeeding.Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.
“What’s the matter?” They all asked, “Cat got your tongue?”
If they only knew!Why is it that only the women laugh at this?
Hee hee tee hee! Love that one and sending it to friends.
Secure men will laugh at it and we all have secure men here, right? Right? I thought so.
But even when real stories of similar kitten mishaps have happened to me and other female friends, minus the twig and berries of course, our kittens were more the melon lovers. Kitten claws are still the same and hurt like hell. Nothing like trying to explain a HUGE bloodied and scabbed gouge across the very center of ones boob, to your significant other! Still, I laugh 😀
A preacher and a cabbie were waiting at the Pearly Gates while St. Peter was making his decision about whether either one of them was going to get in. The preacher said “Well, I’ve worked hard all my life, preaching and doing the Lord’s work.” So he got a cotton robe and a wooden staff and was let in. The cabbie said “Well, I’ve been boozin’ and womanin’ and cabbyin’ all my life.” So he got a silk robe and a silver staff and was let in. The preacher said “Hey, I was being better all my life than he was, why did he get the silk robe and silver staff and I got the cotton robe and wooden staff?” St.Peter explained,”Well, see, up here we look at results. While you were preaching, the people were sleeping. While he was driving his cab, the people were praying!”
One Flaw In Women…….
Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness, love and joy.They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don’t take ‘no’ for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.They are happy when they hear about
a birth or a wedding.Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They are strong when they
think there is no strength left.They know that a hug and a kiss
can heal a broken heart.They’ll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you.The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep
turning.They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideas.
They give moral support to their
family and friends.Women have vital things to say
and everything to give.HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,
IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.
WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN
(AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)To those of us who have children in our lives,
whether they are our own,
grandchildren,
nieces,
nephews,
or students…
here is something to make you chuckle.Whenever your children are out of control,
you can take comfort from the thought that
even God’s omnipotence did not extend
to His own children.After creating heaven and earth,
God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing he said was “DON’T!”“Don’t what?” Adam replied.
“Don’t eat the forbidden fruit.” God said.
“Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit ?
Hey Eve…we have forbidden fruit!”“No Way!”
“Yes way!”
“Do NOT eat the fruit!” said God.
“Why?”
“Because I am your Father and I said so!” God replied, wondering why He hadn’t stopped creation after making the elephants.
A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!
“Didn’t I tell you not to eat the fruit?” God asked.
“Uh huh,” Adam replied.
“Then why did you?” said the Father.
“I don’t know,” said Eve.
“She started it!” Adam said.
“Did not!”
“Did too!”
“DID NOT!”
Having had it with the two of them, God’s punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY !
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven’t taken it, don’t be hard on yourself.
If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you ?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT !
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend
the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.2. Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children’s parties
is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
Be nice to your kids.
They will choose your
nursing home one day.AND FINALLY:
IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION
AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS
ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
“TAKE TWO ASPIRIN”
AND “KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN”!!!!!twindragonsmum 😀
tdm
twindragonsmum wrote:IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
“TAKE TWO ASPIRIN”
AND “KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN”!!!!!This is very funny and worth saving aside until I have my own demons, err, children. Thanks! 😀
I don’t remember if this one has been posted or not, but enjoy!
“According to a news report, a certain private
school in Washington, DC recently was faced with
a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls
were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on
in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they
put on their lipstick they would press their lips to
the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.Every night the maintenance man would remove them
and the next day the girls would put them back.Several memos were posted about this without positive
results. Finally the principal decided that something had
to be done.She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them
there with the maintenance man. She explained that all
these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to
clean the mirrors every night.To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked
the maintenance man to show the
girls how much effort was required.He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the
toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.Since then, there have been no lip
prints on the mirror.There are teachers,
and then
there are educators”
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