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PhoenixTears wrote:
Hot damn! Now Im laughing… in the middle of the night (::friend wanders in with curiosity and a bit perplexed!:: )
After all the crying I caused with Red Marbles, glad others have added the funny stuff. That is usually the genre I go for and share more often than the sappy stuff.
still so sorry everyone had to cry during red marbles. Really wasnt my intention!
It’s nice to have touching stuff also, it can even change the way you think in life. Sometimes it even changes your life.
And it’s essential to have plenty of laughter to keep us healthy. 😉
Those are the reasons I wanted this post. So we can laught but also learn that sometimes we need to rethink what we do in life and make changes.
So everyone please post stuff, wether it is funny or sad. It is important to share. And it is good for the soul. 😉Brave Golfer
A man and his wife walked into the dentist’s office. The man said
to the dentist, “Doctor, I’m in one heck of a big hurry! I have two
buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to play golf, so forget
about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it – I
don’t have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!”
The dentist thought to himself, “my goodness – this sure is a very
brave man, asking me to pull his tooth without using anything to
kill the pain.”
So the dentist asked him “Which tooth is it, sir?”
The man then turned to his wife and said, “Open your mouth,
honey, and show him which one it is!”
_____________________________________________Cat in Heaven
God and the Cat
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said,
“You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.”
The cat thought for a minute and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.” God said, “Say no more.”
Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together.God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat. The mice said, “Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would never have to run again.”
God answered, “It is done.” All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat.
He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, “Is everything ok? How have you been doing? Are you happy?”The cat replied, “Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life!
My pillow is fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!”I just dig this one out and was laughting so much…had to share.
Dear Pets
Dear Pets,
When I say to move, it means to go someplace else, not to switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in my way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. All other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note that placing your paw print in the middle of MY plate and food does not stake a claim making it YOUR plate and food.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help in your quest to reach the bottom first, because I fall faster than you can
run.I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed.
I am very sorry about this. Do not think that I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.
Dogs and cats actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to one another, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge of the door and try to pull it open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Honest.
Also, I have been using the bathroom by myself for quite some time — canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.I can’t stress this one enough — kiss me, THEN go smell the other dog’s/cat’s behind.
To pacify you, my dear companions, I have posted the following notice on our front door:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and then Complain About Our Pets
1.The pets live here. You don’t.
2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That’s why it’s called “fur”niture.)3. To you, our pets are just animals. To us, they are an adopted son/daughter who happens to be hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.
4. Dogs and cats are better than kids because:
a. they don’t ask for money all the time
b. they are easier to train
c. they usually come when called
d. they don’t hang out with drug-using friends
e. they don’t need a gazillion dollars for a college education, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the children. 🙂Pass this on to other pet-lovers in your life! 😉
Blackdesertwind wrote:For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge of the door and try to pull it open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Honest.
Also, I have been using the bathroom by myself for quite some time — canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.Oh, not true. My cat, Oliver, knew that there was a secret exit in the bathroom, and he proved it. My husband and I got home at the same time one day and we were standing outside talking. I heard an odd noise and looking up in time to see Oliver (aka the feline terrorist) climbing out of the skylight on the roof! 😯 This is over the bathtub! We would have never believed it if we hadn’t seen him do it. After that, we gave up and let him be an indoor/outdoor cat (much to the dismay of the neighbors dog).
A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to “Dad.” With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it’s not only the passion…Dad she’s pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone.We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don’t worry Dad. I’m 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love,
Your Son JohnP.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that’s in my center desk drawer.
I love you.
Call me when it’s safe to come home.I love them both!! That pet one is sooo true. My mom has a pic of me when I was visiting her. I went to the bathroom and all three dogs were staring at the door, tails wagging, till I came out.
Yesterday I went to the doctor for my yearly physical.
My blood pressure was high, my cholesterol was high, I’d gained some weight, and I didn’t feel so hot. My doctor said eating right doesn’t have to be complicated and it would solve my physical problems.
He said just think in colors; Fill your plate with bright colors; greens, yellows, reds, etc.I went right home and ate an entire bowl of M&M’s and sure enough, I felt better immediately. I never knew eating right could be so easy.
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire Newfie style
Mick appeared on the Newfoundland version of “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” and towards the end of the program had already won $500,000.
“You’ve done very well so far,” said the show’s presenter, but for 1 Million dollars, you’ve only got one lifeline left – phone-a-friend. “Everything is riding on this question ………will you go for it?”“Sure,” said Mick. “I’ll have a go!”
“OK. The question is: which of the following birds does NOT build it’s own nest ? (a)Robin ( b)Sparrow (c)Cuckoo (d)Thrush.”
” I hasn’t got a clue,” said Mick, “So I’ll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Come-Bye-Chance.”
Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him. Faukin Ell, Mick!” cried Paddy.
“Dat’s just simple loogic….it’s a Cuckoo.”“Are you sure, Paddy?” asked Mick.
“I’m faukin sure” replied Paddy. Mick hung up the phone and told the TV presenter, “I’ll go with cuckoo as me answer der buddy”.
Is that your final answer?” asked the host.
“Dat it is Sir.”
There was a long, long pause, then the presenter screamed, “Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you’ve won $1,000,000.00!”
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink. “Tell me, Paddy? How in God’s name did you know it was the cuckoo that doesn’t build its own nest? I mean you know fauk-all
about birds.”Fer fauks sake!” laughed Paddy. “Everybody knows a faukin cuckoo lives in a clock!”
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