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I am sure this is in here somewhere but damn its funny…
Excerpts from a Dog’s Diary
6:00am – At last! I Go Pee! My favorite thing!
8:00 am – Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am – A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am – A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30am – Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00pm – Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm – Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm – Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm – Milk bones! My favorite thing!
6:00 pm – They’re home! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm – Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm – Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm – Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary
Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre
little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the
other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I
nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The
only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt
to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their
feet.
I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it
clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made
condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am.
Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was
placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.
However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that
my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what
this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try
this again tomorrow — but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced
that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog
receives special privileges. He is regularly released – and seems to
be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with
the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My
captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell,
so he is safe. For now…
Sorry to all the blondes on the forum:
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”
Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”
He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then.” he said with a deep sigh, . .. . . . . .
“Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”
*howls with laughter* I’ve always loved the ‘cat diary’ never fails to make me laugh out loud 😀
—————-
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. “No,” he says. “The seat is empty.”
“This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?”
The first man says, ‘Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been to together since we got married .”
“Oh … I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else, like a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?”
The man shakes his head. “No. They’re all at the funeral.”
Jasmine wrote:Sorry to all the blondes on the forum:
Oh yea?!!! Put up yer dukes baby! GRRRRRrrrr! 😈 😉 😛
Eleu wrote:A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. “No,” he says. “The seat is empty.”
“This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?”
The first man says, ‘Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been to together since we got married .”
“Oh … I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else, like a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?”
The man shakes his head. “No. They’re all at the funeral.”
😆 😆 😆
The one about the blonde reminds me of something my son Sean used to do when he was about a year old. He would ‘line up’ things in the house that were the same color or the same sort of object, blocks, shoes, socks, etc. One day I made the mistake of buying Fruit Loops cereal. I found Sean in the living room surrounded by Furit Loops. He had emptied the box and put the loops in a neat line from the pantry to the front door arranged in groups of four by color (numbers and sequences) Guess which twin is my mathematician?…… 😯
twindragonsmum 😀
tdm
twindragonsmum wrote:The one about the blonde reminds me of something my son Sean used to do when he was about a year old. He would ‘line up’ things in the house that were the same color or the same sort of object, blocks, shoes, socks, etc. One day I made the mistake of buying Fruit Loops cereal. I found Sean in the living room surrounded by Furit Loops. He had emptied the box and put the loops in a neat line from the pantry to the front door arranged in groups of four by color (numbers and sequences) Guess which twin is my mathematician?…… 😯
twindragonsmum 😀
😆 😆twindragonsmum wrote:The one about the blonde reminds me of something my son Sean used to do when he was about a year old. He would ‘line up’ things in the house that were the same color or the same sort of object, blocks, shoes, socks, etc. One day I made the mistake of buying Fruit Loops cereal. I found Sean in the living room surrounded by Furit Loops. He had emptied the box and put the loops in a neat line from the pantry to the front door arranged in groups of four by color (numbers and sequences) Guess which twin is my mathematician?…… 😯
twindragonsmum 😀
LOL, at least he was neat about it. 😆
Sorry PT, still love ya. 😉
I got these in an email at work today. I’m not sure if they’ve been posted here before or not…here goes? 😉
Spread the Stupidity
Only in America …..do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America ……do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in America …..do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America ……do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America …..do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America .. …do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER …
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin ?
Why don’t you ever see the headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?
Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do ‘practice’?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Mine is also of the emailing sharing variety so I too hope it’s not redundant:
*The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English
will be the official language of the European Union rather than German,
which was the other possibility.As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English
spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in
plan that would become known as ‘Euro-English’.In the first year, ‘s’ will replace the soft ‘c’. Sertainly, this will make
the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard ‘c’ will be dropped in favour of
‘k’. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter
There will be growing publik enthusiasmIn the sekond year when the troublesome ‘ph’ will be replaced with ‘f’. This
will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to
reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always
ben a deterent to akurate speling.Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent ‘e’ in the languag is
disgrasful and it should go away.By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing ‘th’ with
‘z’ and ‘w’ with ‘v’.During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary ‘o’ kan be dropd from vords kontaining ‘ou’
and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensil riten styl.Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze
forst plas.If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.*
Got these from my old dad so no one over 70 here take any offense! Youre supposed to laugh!
An elderly gentleman… had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, ‘Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.’
The gentleman replied, ‘Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my Will three times!’
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
‘Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?’
Slim says, ‘I feel just like a newborn baby.’
‘Really!? Like a new born baby!?’
‘Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.’
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said,
‘Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.’
The other man said, ‘What is the name of the restaurant?’
The first man thought and thought and finally said, ‘What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know… The one that’s red and has thorns?’
‘Do you mean a rose?’
‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ‘Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?’
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.’
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.
‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream ?’
‘Sure.’
‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.
‘No, I can remember it.’
‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so’s not to forget it?’
He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’
‘I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks.
Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!’
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
‘Where’s my toast?’
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
‘So I hear you’re getting married?’
‘Yep!’
‘Do I know her?’
‘Nope!’
‘This woman, is she good looking?’
‘Not really.’
‘Is she a good cook?’
‘Naw, she can’t cook too well.’
‘Does she have lots of money?’
‘Nope! Poor as a church mouse.’
‘Well, then, is she good in bed?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’
‘Because she can still drive!’Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’
Second one says, ‘No, it’s Thursday!’
Third one says, ‘So am I. Let’s go get a beer.’A man was telling his neighbor, ‘I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.’
‘Really,’answered the neighbor. ‘What kind is it?’
‘Twelve thirty.’
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, ‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’
Morris replied, ‘Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”
The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’
‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’
Those are hysterical!!!! “…..I’ve changed my will 3 times”….. gotta send that one to my dad 😆 😆 😆
twindragonsmum 😆
tdm
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