Ideas for Commemoration

[Kiya]

So…. this Thursday is the one year anniversary of my dad passing away. And, I’m not really sure what to do. I guess I never had someone close enough to me die before that I had to think of something to “do” on the day it happened.

We live about 4 hours away from where he’s buried so visiting the grave isn’t a great option mid-week (I’m also not a big grave visitor on the best of days either).

I don’t want to throw a party – but I don’t want to sit around and cry all day either.

This is hard for me, but will be rougher for my mom (who just made it through their first anniversary date as well…).

If anyone has any thoughts/ideas on something, I’d love to hear them. I’m just at a flat out loss on this one.

[Amy]

I’m really sorry for your loss Kiya 🙁

Well, how about you and your mom/anybody else who is interested cook a dinner with all of your dad’s favorite dishes, and you could all eat together and just share some nice memories of him.

[Jinya]

So Sorry for your loss Kiya.
I agree with Amy, I am sure your dad would want you to remember him with fond thoughts. Make it a memorial, bring out some fun pictures, think of good times. Eat good food.

[Shawna]

Any of you into scrapbooking? If you are, you guys could build a scrapbook specially for him, make the outside & first pages this year, putting things in that remind you of him, everyone in the family can contribute. Then each year on the anniversary of his passing, everyone get together & put in a new page, with things that reminded them of him during that year & so on. That’s an idea. Or just get together, eat yummy food he loved too & tell stories about him, the good the bad, the sad. Just remember.

Whatever you do, the important thing is that he isn’t forgotten, so no matter what it will be right. So sorry to hear of your loss, it has been a rough time for a lot of folks this year when it comes to losing parents. I just lost my father in law less than a month ago.

Kyrin

[BipolarBear]

What did he like to do? I think I would do something that he enjoyed. I also agree that sitting around and eating his favorite food and telling stories is a fine idea. Also smells are the strongest way to bring back memories.

I would help but I am just to tired to get out of bed today~
Engaged to a Weasel

[Victoria]

*hugs*

I would add the possibility of planting a tree for him somewhere, or going somewhere he loved to go to. My ex MIL created her own ceremony that included writing a letter to her beloved second husband, and sending her words into the sky via a small fire on the first anniversary of his passing.

But–stay flexible and remember that everyone grieves differently…what helps one person may be of no use to another. My grandparents’ generation made a huge deal of going to the gravesite–neither their children nor their grandchildren find that of any comfort. Things like going through old pictures and old memories may work for some; for others, a year may not be anywhere near long enough for such things to bring anything but fresh grief. I’ve lost all my closest blood kin and several friends, starting when I was six–I tend to grieve alone and in private; for me, there’s no set time to commemorate–I do it whenever I feel the need in whatever way feels appropriate, and most people would have no idea that anything is going on in my head. My husband, on the other hand, is the kind who needs as many of his loved ones as close to him as possible, who keeps pictures of his grandparents on his desk at work, and who speaks of them regularly with his parents.

So while all our ideas are good possibilities, you may wake up and want to do something different from all of it, perhaps something that may not “seem” commemorative, but will allow you to work on the next stages of your own journey through this loss.

In the end, be gentle with yourselves and each other.

[Kiya]

Thank you, everyone! I appreciate your thoughts and well wishes. I like the idea of cooking something he liked to eat and sharing some memories.

I actually did a memory book at Christmas for my mom. It was hard going through stuff, but for me it really helped in the process. I’m not feeling as down as I expected to as the day approaches. (Which in a way makes me feel WORSE – shouldn’t I be more upset?!?)

I’ll let you guys know what we end up doing. Thank you for being my extended “family”. I’m an only child so it’s really just me and my mom now for my immediate family – my grandmother passed away about 2 months after my dad (though she was in her 90s, so it was much less tragic).

Never expected to be thinking about this so soon… my dad was only 64.

[Victoria]

…I’m not feeling as down as I expected to as the day approaches. (Which in a way makes me feel WORSE – shouldn’t I be more upset?!?)

No. No no no. That’s part of the point I was trying to make and probably missed–everyone goes through the grief process differently, and at very different rates. Some things may hit harder now, or later, or even never at all.

Grief is such an odd thing. Don’t be hard on yourself if you feel better than you expect to, because that’s not at all uncommon–and conversely, if you need to do nothing but cry all day, that’s OK too. There’s no right or wrong way to get through this, I promise.

*great big huge hugs*

[Kiya]

Thanks, Jolie. 🙂

I think, largely, the problem is that my day-to-day life didn’t really change much. I *know* my dad is gone, but he lived 300 miles away and I really only saw him on the holidays (he wasn’t a big phone talker). I saw him more while he was sick than I had in probably the last 2-3 years. Because, we were busy – young kids, school, jobs – and there would always be time to visit more LATER (you know, when there was less going on :(). And my parents were planning to move up by us once mom retired… Valuable lesson – NEVER wait to spend more time with people! My dad was diagnosed in March of last year and gone in July. It was like a rocket of awfulness, but then *snap* it was done.

The holidays are HARD – but the anniversary of his death doesn’t really seem all that different from any other day.

It’s a rough month for my mom though – he died 9 days after their 41st anniversary. So it’s their wedding anniversary, then the anniversary of the day he died… right on top of each other. (And my husband and son’s birthdays right after that!)

I guess at least July will never be boring… just half good/half bad.

[Author]

Posts