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How about saying that “One day Chloe might get a hold of something and get hurt, sick, or God Forbid dead because of their laziness and stupidity?” 😡
That SUCKS, eaglefeathers! I’m so sorry you’re in that situation. Sadly, from what you’re saying, it sounds like you’re fighting a losing battle. I would start looking for ways to get yourself out of that mess and into a place where you can feel at home and at peace, not stressing from a filthy house that’s out of your control. You can fight and become the nurse to all these infantile, lazy people, but I think you’ll just suffer in the long run and you need to look out for your own mental well-being!! Financially, getting out might not be feasible, but merely exploring your options will make you at least FEEL less trapped because it reminds you that you’re still ultimately there by choice 🙂 And you might find a good solution.
In the meanwhile, obviously despite your best efforts to be understood, your housemates don’t seem to understand why it’s important to you to have things clean. How can you get through to them? Can you relate something important to them to how you feel about the house being clean? IE, “I know you get irritated when the other roommates do (blank). Well, I feel the same when I see that no one is pitching in to keep things in order.” Or a respect thing: “When I spend a long time cleaning so our space will be pleasant to be in, and you come in and make a mess without tidying up a bit after, it makes me feel as if you don’t care about my time or effort.” After all, don’t they like inhabiting their home when it’s clean rather than dirty? What about the baby? A dirty house is an extremely dangerous place for a baby to be in! And children with clean clothes and bodies, in orderly environments, are happier, healthier, and therefore even more delightful to be with. Would that strike a chord?
I had an awful time with garbage and toilet paper restocking when I lived with three boys. No one ever took out the trash, and no one ever bought more TP for the house. Each would always claim it was someone else’s turn but the end result was a glut of garbage and a perpetual tp crisis! So, I got all arts and craftsy and made a couple of spinning wheels with all our names on them, with a little brad in the center and everything. Each wheel had a cutout that displayed whose turn it was. One went above the garbage can and one went in the tp cabinet. When one person took out the garbage or bought more tp, they got to turn the wheel to the next person. I think just the act of getting to spin that little wheel to highlight the next “victim” was enough of a silly reward to get the wheels to work. Because they worked great! The boys participated pretty well. The tp supplies still needed monitoring, but we didn’t argue about turns again! And because you always knew when you were in the hot seat for trash duty, the garbage tended not to pile up perilously over the top of the trash can. (I call this “Garbage Jenga” and it is my least favorite Roommate Game.)
Obviously you’ll have to compromise a bit on your standards of “clean”, since theirs differ. But maybe some common ground rules can be established with a few talks. They’re going to feel nagged and accused no matter what, so it would be good to reiterate that that’s not what you’re out to do. Mostly what you want is for people to consider others, which is fair. They can consider you, and the other roommates, by not leaving a mess they themselves would be unhappy to have to work around. Showing respect through actions like that goes a very, very long way. (So does saying “THANK YOU!!” if they do make an effort, no matter how small.)
Best of luck. I feel for ya!!
I have heard of “Moms on strike” where she stops doing ANYTHING, no cooking, no cleaning, laundry, bathrooms, dishes, running errands, shopping, taking older kids to their friends, NOTHING!!! Mom fixes her own meals, does her own laundry, etc, and sits out in the yard with a book and a glass of lemonade or ice tea, sometimes they even picket their own houses with picket signs with “MOM ON STRIKE!!!”on them. When the “family” wants to negotiate a settlement, they have a family meeting to discuss terms. They make a list of everything that has to be done to keep the health department away and so everyone feels comfortable inviting their friends over. The list includes going to work, school and homework, paying bills, pet care, big things like cleaning out gutters, seasonal yard work, deep cleaning like curtains and scrubbing the walls, etc. and lesser things, like cooking, dishes, cleaning off countertops, mopping, sweeping, setting tables, bussing the table, picking newspapers and magazines, vacuuming, running the washer and the dryer, folding and putting laundry away, emptying the dishwasher and putting the dishes away, cleaning the refrigerator, cleaning the sink, planning menues, cleaning the bathroom mirror, and the sink, putting towels where they belong, etc, etc. That’s all for the first step is to write it all down. Then decided just how clean is clean and decided on a standard that you can all live with. If one is “relaxed” and another is a “neatfreak”, a compromise is in order.(I have a little sign on my refrigerator that says “this house is protected by killer dust bunnies!” but I have never seen them actually kill anybody!) Then, as a group, you “volunteer” for the jobs until they have all been taken. Obviously not all jobs are suitable for everyone, like kids can’t pay the bills or go to your job, and you can’t do their homework or go to school for them. But those jobs still need to be accounted for in terms of the time they take up. So after most of the jobs have been volunteered for, there are always a few that NO ONE wants to do, maybe it’s cleaning the dog poo. or cleaning the bathroom or vacuuming. Whatever it is, they are all written down on pieces of paper and everyone has to draw one at a time until they are all gone. That way, people are much more likely to cooperate if they have volunteered for the job rather than have someone (you!) assigned it to them and have them rebel. There are time limits on all of them, like the dog can’t wait a week to be fed, neither can you, the laundry can’t wait a month, etc. But within the agreed upon time, the person with the chore has the options to do it within the time frame. So if they want to do the wash in the morning or the afternoon, or Friday or Saturday, they get to choose. This is only good for1 month, then you have another meeting and volunteer again, so you have to opportunity to switch jobs if you want to, you aren’t stuck forever. EVERYONE HAS TO COMMIT TO THIS PLAN!! There are also consequences for not doing what you agreed to . do. If a legitimate reason comes up and someone can’t completer their job, they are still responsible for the job completion, so they have to make arrangements for someone else to do it while they can’t, then they owe the other person for the same courtesy. The consequence of not doing what they agreed to do is decided by the group that needs to listen to the reason and decided the consequence which will be different for each one, ie, fines, no computer time for a certain period, something that fits the person. The deeper consequence which also needs to be emphasized, is that if you can’t trust them to keep their agreements in this situation, how can you trust them to keep any other agreements? Their word has to be important to be trusted in all the areas of your lives including this one. No one can say “oh you can trust me to do this, but not that”. No! The 7 rules of trust are 1) do what you say you are going to do. 2) Say what you mean 3) Mean what you say 4) Don’t say what you don’t mean 5) Keep your committments 6) Don’t threaten 7) Don’t call each other names: It’s disrespectful!! So if you are going to trust some one in any area, you have to be able to depend on them to keep their word. Broken promises erodes trust in all areas. In the end, if they won’t agree or they break their commitments consistently, you can always go back on strike until they understand that you are as serious as a heart attack!! This isn’t a threat, because if you threaten, you get into a power struggle and then everybody loses. So no threats, just consequences. You can start out after your strike, by saying that you want the family to be happier, to feel that their contributions matter, and that it’s gotten out of balance and you want to have the family be in better balance, because right now the imbalance comes from you doing all the work, and complaining about it, and they are having to listen to you complain and get resentful and unhappy and nothing changes. So you are proposing a new plan, and you are open to discussion because it is essentially their plan, not just yours, and are they open to listening to it and making suggestions about it. Then, be quiet and wait. Believe me, it’s worth it, and better that than a stroke or an ulcer or a broken family. It will take some time and patience and effort to work out the kinks, but it will make your life easier. One word of caution: BE CONSISTENT!!! If you let up anywhere, or let anyone get by with shirking or avoiding their responsibility, don’t ever do it for them!! It opens the door again to you doing all the work again, because then they can’t trust YOUR word that you are serious about this!!! Not even once, especially in the beginning. Remember, intermittent reinforcement is the most powerful reinforcement there is, ie, advertisements, slots machines, etc. So your biggest chore is to be consistent, no matter how hard it is for you, and how much easier it is to just go ahead and do it, or excuse the behaviour.But if you do, you will sabotage the system and no one will believe that you mean what you say. All excuses have to be decided on by the family, with some obvious exceptions like illness, but even so, the person still has to make arrangements for the chore to be done, because person is still “foreman of the job” and it’s still their responsibility. If they don’t like the chore, they will have the opportunity to trade it off next month. If it’s job nobody wants, then the one who had it last month, isn’t “eligible ” for it again for the next 2 months.
I hope this is useful, if it is, try it, if it isn’t, ignore it. If you want some more information, pm me. It’s worked for a lot of my clients, I know it works if you do it. I also know that one of AA’s sayings is “The definitiion of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results” So it seems that uou all have been doing the same things, like yelling and scolding and accusing and expressing your resentment and anger and explaining and martyring and begging and threatening and….so why not try something different? Another AA thing is, if it works, do it again. If it doesn’t work, don’t do it again, do something different, anything. It will break up the pattern. Yeah, it’s a lot of work, but so is doing what you are doing which is less effective and keeps you stuck. If you want the changes, then you have to make the changes too in a calm consistent way.
Anyway, good luck and “God bless” and talk to you later!!! 🙂 :bye:chrisherself wrote:(So does saying “THANK YOU!!” if they do make an effort, no matter how small.)
Best of luck. I feel for ya!!
Oh, the saying “Thank you” part was what we talked about last week-it was the part where I said thank you all the time for the things that they did (which they did do a thing or two every once in a while), but no one would say thank you to me-instead they would bicker about all of the bad things they saw in me and not appreciate and say thank you to the good things. 😡 I think that might be resolved. 8)
lol, well, I will emphasize that my roommates are my husband and sister, and I am in the process of getting my sister to move out, but I won’t leave my hubby for this! 🙂
I do believe that you are right, cherisherself, that I need to do things other than complaining or bickering. I will try!
drgnlvr wrote:…and sits out in the yard with a book and a glass of lemonade or ice tea…
If it has to go to this extreme, I think the relationship is already failed. If you can’t communicate your household chores with your significant other, what do you expect to accomplish with the rest of your relationship?
Snapdragon wrote:drgnlvr wrote:…and sits out in the yard with a book and a glass of lemonade or ice tea…
If it has to go to this extreme, I think the relationship is already failed. If you can’t communicate your household chores with your significant other, what do you expect to accomplish with the rest of your relationship?
You have a good point there Snap- think that communicating to them different ways is the way to go. I should know by now that hubby’s don’t respond very well to nagging 🙄
KC is gone for the week working until Sunday. I know that he works a lot as well, but cleaning up after himself is still reasonable, I think. If he has enough energy to make the mess, then he has enough energy to clean it. Since he will be gone for so long, it will give me some time to forgive and forget. I think I have already forgiven, I just need to forget and try these strategies suggested to me!I got a little mad at my sister today, but I kept it to myself and waited..
My sis came in from outside and drug some sticky leaves onto the floor. I said “Oh the floor got dirty again,” She said nothing, so I said ” are those stains, or are they something that Chloe will eat?” She said,”They’re something she will eat,” but then proceeded to ignore the mess. I watched Chloe like a hawk, and when she noticed the leaves I said “Chloe is going to eat that!” That got her attention and she finally picked them up. 🙄 🙄 I ask of these things for a reason!I guess that living with mess makers is something that many people live with….
Pick the leaves up and put them on her pillow.
Snapdragon wrote:Pick the leaves up and put them on her pillow.
Ohhh I like that idea. Then she will notice them.
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Sun Dragon Koi #3purpledragonclaw wrote:Snapdragon wrote:Pick the leaves up and put them on her pillow.
Or in one of her drawers.
lol, I will remember that one! 😆
drgnlvr .. you need to make some paragraphs in your post. 😳
eaglefeather831 wrote:purpledragonclaw wrote:Snapdragon wrote:Pick the leaves up and put them on her pillow.
Or in one of her drawers.
lol, I will remember that one! 😆
When I was younger and my mom lost her patience waiting for me or my sister to clean the litter box, she’d put the whole thing on our bed. UGH!! Very effective!! :puke:
You’re right, Snap, they are too long. I will be more careful to break up my posts into smaller chunks. They are a bit hard to read this way. Thanks for telling me!! 😀 :yes:
chrisherself wrote:When I was younger and my mom lost her patience waiting for me or my sister to clean the litter box, she’d put the whole thing on our bed. UGH!! Very effective!! :puke:
Ewwwwww….. :puke:
Dragon87 wrote:chrisherself wrote:When I was younger and my mom lost her patience waiting for me or my sister to clean the litter box, she’d put the whole thing on our bed. UGH!! Very effective!! :puke:
Ewwwwww….. :puke:
well, I am not even sure if that would have worked on me 😮 I probably would have put it on the floor (I’ve gotten better)
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