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Soooo my mom calls me on her daily “im at lunch and no one wants to talk to me” break and asks me the question I didn’t want to hear. She wants to know if I want her in the delivery room when I deliver. I really REALLY don’t want here there since her presence stresses me out. She asked if I wanted her there to hold my hand. I told her that was my husbands job. She says “well in case he isn’t there, you know with his health and all”. I told her that if everything goes well he should have his transplant before the baby comes. She then tells me that I need to be prepared because he could die in surgery and its not a sure thing. WTH I told her I know all the risks of the surgery and I didn’t need her telling me abou them. She always brings up the fact that he could die during or after surgery and never once has tried to be upbeat about the whole thing. I want to tell her I don’t want her there but I know she will turn the whole family against me saying I’m a cold heartless b****. How can I tell her without hurting her feelings but still make myself clear that she is not welcome in the delivery room?
Just tell her you would rather have someone more supportive and/or less judgemental. You have to do whats best for YOUR peace of mind, and let me tell you… in the delivery room, you need all the tranquility that you can get. Stuff what your mom wants. This particular situation is about you and only you!
The more I hear about problems with your mother, the nicer my mother seems in comparison. My mom can be a control freak and I’m glad I live five hours away from her. My husband and I have a long standing joke from when we were planning our wedding about shooting my mom out of a cannon. Want to borrow it? 😈
I wish I had some advice of how to tell your mom to back off and leave you alone without huting her feelings, but you may just have to do that so she comes to grips with the fact that the umbilical cord has been cut between the two of you a LONG time ago. One thing though, be sure you discuss your wishes with your doctor as well and make sure you make it clear to them that you don’t want her in the room.
I wish I could do that but she is such an evil twisted woman my life would be hell. I’m just not sure how I’m going to handle this. My husband is mad at me for not telling her no right off the bat.
purpledoggy wrote:I wish I could do that but she is such an evil twisted woman my life would be hell. I’m just not sure how I’m going to handle this. My husband is mad at me for not telling her no right off the bat.
If she is that bad, then make it so she does not have an influence in your life. People can only do to you what you let them do to you.
skigod377 wrote:If she is that bad, then make it so she does not have an influence in your life. People can only do to you what you let them do to you.
You sound like my husband 😆
purpledoggy wrote:skigod377 wrote:If she is that bad, then make it so she does not have an influence in your life. People can only do to you what you let them do to you.
You sound like my husband 😆
Both Ski and your husband are right, though. 😉
purpledoggy wrote:skigod377 wrote:If she is that bad, then make it so she does not have an influence in your life. People can only do to you what you let them do to you.
You sound like my husband 😆
😆 Your husband is very smart. *Nods* 😉
Ski is very smart and wise. Her advise is good.
Since you are not sure how to say NO to her have you thought about simply telling her if she can’t say something pleasant to you you would rather she didn’t say anything at all?
Maybe you could tell her that she can wait in the waiting room. It is a compromise between you and her. I think by her saying that she wants to hold your hand that she wants to be there for you and maybe she is comming to grips that she is going to be a grandmother. But if you think that it will be too stressful just doing that, then I would take Ski’s advice. Let us know what you decide. 😀
I would suggest that you guys get a doula. Check and see if your insurance covers one, or just call and see if you can afford one on your own. With a doula, your Mom’s “concern” that you will be alone during labor due to something happening to your husband will be shot down. She will also more than likely not be as obnoxious during your labor with a trained professional in the room who is looking out for your interests.
You can also let the doula know that she is allowed to kick your Mom out of the room if she feels your Mom is stressing you out too much. Then you can tell your Mom that she can be there for part of labor, but when things really get rolling, you would like her to wait outside and just have the minimum amount of people in the room for delivery, which would be your husband and the doula and required medical staff.
I would also suggest that you ask everyone who comes to see you while you are in labor to keep their time in the room down to 15 minutes at a time, with at least a 30 min break between visits to allow others to see you and to keep your level of stress low while you are already so stressed. This request includes MOM! That way you know you only need to deal with her in little bits and get a nice long break in between. The only people who will be exempt from this restriction will be hubby, the doula and medical staff.
Talk to your Dad in private about this, and ask him to please help enforce the 15 minute rule. With his help, you should be able to keep Mom from making an already stressful event less stressful.
Also by getting a doula and making a blanket rule for everyone, your Mom won’t feel singled out and hopefully will not get overly offended over it.
Remember, this is all about you, what makes you comfortable, and if you really don’t want Mom there at all, it is your decision and don’t feel bad about telling her flat out that you don’t want her there. If you want to make it less about her, you could tell her that you really don’t want anyone but hubby and the staff there until the baby is safely delivered, and then you would be happy to have her come and visit you and the baby, so long as the visit is short, since you will be exhausted.
Good luck and I hope some of my suggestions will help. I know what it is like to have a touchy and difficult family member that you HAVE to deal with, and I feel for you.
*hugs*
Kyrin
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