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There is some negativity in this house, and I hope it will change soon. It literally did start with KC. When we found out, he said “Things will change for the worse,” and “Say goodbye to your dreams of owning a horse and your other dreams”. And he said that our relationship will suffer. The gist of it was “We’re all doomed!” That’s his perception on it. I think he is being selfish. He doesn’t want this baby, so he is acting like a 10 year old and pouting, while in the meantime bringing me down with him. Of course I complain about why he is so negative, and he says “See-it’s already making us fight” I said “No, the only thing making us fight is you negativity.”
It’s stupid because KC says he has tried not to think about the baby. To me-it seems like he doesn’t care. He doesn’t want this to happen, so he is acting like it doesn’t exist, so when I bring it up he gets flustered at me. And he is being too sarcastic for his own good right now.
I have cried more in this week than I have for the past year. He doesn’t seem to get my frustrations. I try to talk to him, and he says “don’t take it so personally” or “Why does it always have to be about you?”. That’s all I have been thinking about is his feelings and why does he treat me so negatively. He says he loves me, but this past week he just pokes at me. He doesn’t act like he loves me. I just feel like I am one big nag. He never shares his feelings or what he is thinking. I do that all the time, so I think that’s why he thinks it’s all about me. I have tried to get him to share his feelings, but the second I do he is either very vague or he finds an excuse to get out of it. Like last night. He was talking to me fine, but when I asked about his feelings he said “I’m tired let’s talk about it tomorrow”. Which means, we probably won’t talk about it.
I am happy when I am around other people, but When I am with him lately, I just want to be alone. It’s because he is being negative. I remember being happy about the pregnancy, but when he said those hurtful things, my feelings and mood changed. It’s lasted this whole week!
Why can’t he at least accept the fact that I am going to have his baby? I mean-it doesnt sound like he even acknowledges it. That alone would be progress.
I thought husbands were supposed to be supportive about this type of thing.
🙁I’m not married nor do I have kids but I have watched close friends plus my sisters in this situation. And watching them I have to say having a baby can be the MOST stressful thing in a marriage – over and above moving, money issues, new jobs, etc. Probably because a baby can impact those other issues. And KC is right in that it will totally change your lives – hopefully for the better!
A friend that lives by Ithaca, NY went through pre-natal classes with her husband. One of the classes talked about that the most common cause of death in pregnant women is violence – the father kills the mother. 😯 I am not at all implying that KC would be violent but the instructor emphasized just HOW much stress the parents are under. Some men evidently just go to pieces under the stress of worrying about being able to afford everything and about being a good father (especially if their father wasn’t). She strongly recommended that if the dads felt overwhelmed or didn’t seem happy about the baby they should get counseling both by themselves and with their wife/partner.
I don’t know if KC would agree to counseling but I think it would be a good idea for him. There might be things he feels like he can’t talk about to you (hurt your feelings, add to stress) that he might be able to discuss with a therapist. You might want to ask your OB/GYN about any programs in the area. And if he won’t go it might help you to have someone to talk to about these issues that is completely impartial or has experience with similar situations.
*sends hugs and mental chocolate* Good luck.
Wow, he does sound like a spoiled brat over this, doesn’t he?
Well I can tell you that a child will not spoil your dreams of horse and home owning. 4 months after our second child was born, we bought a house, and not a dinky house either, an 1826 sq ft house on 5 acres. And no, our credit isn’t spectacular.
Horses are next, once we get fencing in to keep them where we want them. So his idea that a child will affect your dreams is a fallacy. He sounds like he’s scared, so he is trying to avoid this situation, but the reality is, he only has a short amount of time to act like this before the baby is here.
He’ll come around, meanwhile ignore his behavior as best you can, go ahead and give him the illusion that there is no baby for now, soon enough you will start to show and he will have to come to grips with it. Do make him go to doctor visits with you though, especially when you are at the point where the heartbeat can be heard.
Once he starts behaving like a human being and not a spoiled brat, point out that you didn’t make this baby alone, and that this child is a symbol of your love together, and while he may be scared to death of fatherhood, he needs to grow up soon, he has x months to do so. So he can be childish and selfish for a little while longer if he really feels he needs to, but once that child is here, he better have gotten it out of his system.
I would also tell him that if he has nothing positive to say regarding your future child together, then he keep his big mouth shut. Say nothing at all if he can’t say anything positive. You don’t need to hear it. You may also want to suggest to him that he make up a pro and con about having a baby on paper, and that he can write down all his fears about father hood out as well, but you don’t want to hear anything out of him verbally. Anytime he starts to whine or complain on this subject, tell him to write it down.
Keep everything he has written about this, and when the baby is here and he has fallen in love with his child, hand them to him and have him read them. I think it will really help him later to see how he was behaving, I do recommend destroying those papers after he has reread what he wrote though, your child never needs to know his/her father didn’t want them at first.
My husband’s father never hid the fact he never wanted him initially and it has scarred him. He has spent his whole life doing everything he can to please his father, and even when he is in the right, he will not defy or argue with the man, for fear of rejection. It’s not a happy thing, his father was a good father, but just knowing he wasn’t wanted hurt him alot.
You can tell your husband about that too, that he’d better never ever tell your child he didn’t want them, it will do emotional damage.
Anyway, sorry this is an epic. Hang in there, he’ll grow up soon, he has to.
I also suggest counseling if you can get him to go.
*hugs*
Kyrin
He is scared… either because of the changes the baby will make, or he is starting to feel trapped. I agree with DDVM, counseling. Dont let him bring you down. Just give him time to adjust, and try to stay happy. If he does not come around, maybe its time to think of alternatives. 😕 What a jerk.
Kyrin has a lot of good advice. I might add that getting a ultra-sound, and actually letting him see the baby might help. I’ve read a lot about guys who get their girldfriends pregnant and then want their girlfriends to kill the child before it’s born, but when they actually see the baby, something changes inside them and they turn positive to the idea of being a father. Maybe it would be the same with KC?
I am so sorry to hear that youre going through this at what should be one of the happiest times in your life. I have to agree with what others have said here about him being scared and seeking counseling.
Being that he doesnt like the idea of opening up, suggesting counseling will be like pulling teeth getting him to go, I assume. But, Id have to give it a try. And, never neglect yourself either. Even if he doesnt go, you should seize that opportunity to speak with someone in person that has likely come across this common problem.
Kyrin is right too… this will not affect your having a horse or riding. The timeline may have shifted but that doesnt mean the dream isnt attainable in the near future.
Reminding him that it took TWO of you to create this glory is important. He’s acting like you had divine conception. Remind him that while you were receptive about having children, if he didnt, perhaps he should have thought before plunging in so to speak. Try to temper your tone as not to fuel his fear and negativity. Id say it in a humourous way if I could find out how to do that (which I could).
Remind him that this is a blessing and not a curse. Both my cousins (they are sisters in their 30s) BOTH had to go through years of invitro because they couldnt conceive naturally. One is like me and has PCOS which goes with Fibromyalgia most of the time. She (the older sister) was told she would never be able to have kids and it broke the families hearts. These girls have always thought of having a family. When it came hard for them, it was difficult on all of us. After YEARS of invitro and miscarriages and thousands upon thousnads of dollars, they both finally got pregnant, carried to term and both had a set of twin girls- one year apart (the older sister had a difficult last year but finally conceived and delivered in May).
Sometimes sharing hardship and success stories may help put things into perspective for him… such as this is something of a blessing for you guys and that others rail against the world just to have a child when it comes so easily for others. If youre close with your mother in law, Id confide in her and tell her your feelings as she may be able to give you some techniques on how to handle his behavior.
In closing, I agree that it’s a wonderful idea to make him go to doctors appointments with you… again, he shouldnt get off scott free so to speak… he put you in this delicate way even if you wanted it. Going to appointments will allow him to see others happy about the event as well as let him see how poked and proded youre being and not him (puts your stress factor into a bit of perspective). When he gets to see and hear the baby as a real thing and not just a subject matter, he might continue to be scared but perhaps some of his negativity will shift to protection, love, possibilities… and hope.
Edited to add HUGE HUGS XoXoXo!!!! and support
Poor girl. 🙁 I am so sorry… Things will get better, you’ll see.
My husband has been acting similar. When I mentioned the possibility to him, his initial reaction was absolute fear and denial. It took him a long time to realize how much he had hurt me with his reaction and finally calmed down. Now we’re on a teter-toter during the waiting period. He doesn’t want a child, saying it could be the worst thing for us, we cant’ afford it. So, I feel for you… However,
Evaluate your relationship; do you guys often fight like this? Does he regularly carry an pessimistic outlook? Is he always locking you out of his thoughts and emotions? Is “It’s just the way I am” a common answer? That’s what I get, and I know that’s how he’ll always be- for better or worse. So, I just try to keep that in perspective for the future.
I know that pregnancy hormones drastically alter your emotional state, and can throw you for a loop whether you like it or not. You’re uncomfortable, you’re body is changing, your even more sensitive, you’re just as scared, and you’re feeling more protective and attached than he is because it’s growing inside of you. Welcome to motherhood.
My suggestion is to relax, take care of yourself, your body and your baby. The time will come when he is ready to take care of you too. It will be a long 9 months for the three of you. If he’s not going to be supportive, find others who will until he comes around. And he will. 🙂
*hugs* We’re all here for ya! Take care,
~SafyreMy husband did this with all three of ours… 🙄 He stressed out and started taking it out on me in complaints, negativity, sarcasm, and an absolute refusal to acknowledge the baby. It’s kinda like male-stress meltdown. What’s worse is I tryed talking to my mother in law with the first pregnancy and she told me to not be so hormonal! I coulda murdered her with my bare hands….
I wouldn’t worry too much, once I got further along in the pregnancy he wasn’t quite as bad. He was able to help more and relaxed a little… Once the baby was born he was absolutely hooked. All our kids have daddy wrapped around their fingers… 😛 Afterwards he told me that the pregnancy just left him unhappy because of countless people telling him how much stress babies are and how they cry 24/7 and then how much worse the second child is and with our third people would give him condoms as jokes. Forget the fact we WANTED a big family. The stress and work that a baby entails isn’t nearly as god-awful as people make out, but it made our relationship hell through the pregnancy. He wouldn’t touch my belly at all when I was pregnant and when the baby would move his eyes would get big and he’d back up a step…it really freaked him out. 🙄 He did enjoy the ultrasounds and was a huge help through the labor and delivery believe it or not. I’d relax and expect him to be an ass for a while, I think men just have that feature built in–even the good ones 🙄Boys! 😡 I’m so sorry! There is actually a book just for KC, if you can get him to read it.
The Expectant Father by Armin Brott. In addition to talking about you & the baby, it also talks about all the stress the father is going through (feeling trapped, unable to support the family, etc.). This, according to a good friend of mine (male) was very helpful & was calming to realize that he was not the only one to feel this way. (He also would read a section and tell his wife, “Read this…see? That’s what I’m going through!” He is a good friend, but I’d’ve killed Dave if he had said something like that to me.) But, it may be a step in the right direction if he’ll read it, even just some of it (actually for your husband too safyre), and it may be a lot easier than getting him to counseling (or not, depending on personality…Dave didn’t read anything I gave him! 🙄 )
We’re here for you, it may just take a little to get him there too.Sorry to hear about the stressful time you’re having. I don’t know if this will help, but here’s some imout from the guys side of the things. First off, for many guys ‘feelings’ are something we don’t think about all that much. Some of the biggest fights I’ve seen from couples are from the woman always wanting to know what he’s feeling, and getting upset that she doesn’t get a response that matches her feelings. Sorry if I offend any ladies here, but most of the guys I know tend be be more analytical than emotional in the problem solving process. If this pregnancy is an unexpected event, it may take him some time to work through his end of things. From personal experience, I had a LOUSY father and the thought of being a father scares the hell out of me. He may be afraid of something like that, or he may be afraid that he won’t be able to provide for a baby. For all of womens lib and modern society, the expectations men and women place on themselves are very different. Having said all that, my suggestions are first if he continues to be negative, you need to talk to him calmly and explain to him that his negativity is bringing you down, and that now you dont have the enegry to waste on dealing with his negativity. You need to save the energy for the baby. Don’t go into feeling on your side or his. Keep it in terms of what youneed form him, and don’t need from him. You can also tell him to take any time he needs to work through things, and when he’s ready to deal that you can use his help. Don’t force him into things he isn’t ready for, or he may come to resent both you and the baby. However, you are free to remind him that this wasn’t an immaculate conception and that he is just as responsible for things. Don’t know if this helps or just annoys. Just thought you might like a testosterone version.
I think Jvargas brings up some good points, and it always helps to get the other side’s point of view, JV. May be talking about needs and expectations is a better way to go about it than talking about feelings. That really doesn’t work with men. There are a lot of jokes about how women always have to talk about their feelings… this may come back at you some time.
Other than that, I really don’t know what to say since we’ve decided not to have children at this point in our lives, and I’ve never been pregnant. (My step-daughter is 15.) Just know that we are here for you.
And congratulations, for Heaven’s sake! It’s too bad people have to ruin things (especially the father of the baby! 👿 ).
safyre_dream wrote:Poor girl. 🙁 I am so sorry… Things will get better, you’ll see.
My husband has been acting similar. When I mentioned the possibility to him, his initial reaction was absolute fear and denial. It took him a long time to realize how much he had hurt me with his reaction and finally calmed down. Now we’re on a teter-toter during the waiting period. He doesn’t want a child, saying it could be the worst thing for us, we cant’ afford it. So, I feel for you… However,
Evaluate your relationship; do you guys often fight like this? Does he regularly carry an pessimistic outlook? Is he always locking you out of his thoughts and emotions? Is “It’s just the way I am” a common answer? That’s what I get, and I know that’s how he’ll always be- for better or worse. So, I just try to keep that in perspective for the future.
I know that pregnancy hormones drastically alter your emotional state, and can throw you for a loop whether you like it or not. You’re uncomfortable, you’re body is changing, your even more sensitive, you’re just as scared, and you’re feeling more protective and attached than he is because it’s growing inside of you. Welcome to motherhood.
My suggestion is to relax, take care of yourself, your body and your baby. The time will come when he is ready to take care of you too. It will be a long 9 months for the three of you. If he’s not going to be supportive, find others who will until he comes around. And he will. 🙂
*hugs* We’re all here for ya! Take care,
~SafyreIt actually feels good to know I am not alone in this. Although, I hope if you are pregnant he will be happy. Fortunately, he doesn’t act like this all the time. It has only been like this since I showed him the pregnancy results.
And Jvargas, I really appreciate an opinion from you! It’s nice to realize that things are taken differently between men and women, and I need to remember that. I will try to keep the general discussion of feelings out of it for now to hopefully allow him to work through things for himself. Which reminds me of what Kyrin said:
Kyrin wrote:He’ll come around, meanwhile ignore his behavior as best you can, go ahead and give him the illusion that there is no baby for now, soon enough you will start to show and he will have to come to grips with it. Do make him go to doctor visits with you though, especially when you are at the point where the heartbeat can be heard.
KyrinI agree. I hope he comes to grips with it.
And I know we will get an acreage with a horse someday! It’s one of those dreams that continue to stay tangible for me, and when that happens, I usually end up realizing my dream! Thanks for the added encouragement for those who say I can still obtain my dream!I will see about getting that book boskydragon, and I will mention counseling. I’ll see what he says tonight. We usually communicate very well to eachother.
It was kinda funny becas=use I was stressing about it this morning thinking “who am I going to talk to? Where am I going to get the most help right now?” and I thought of you guys right away. Although..sending me mental chocolate might give me the cravings for real chocolate. I’m not allowed to have any. 🙁
I would like to hear more opinions and advice from the men on this forum! You know-to try and understand some different perspectives!
I haven’t seen KC yet today because he’s at work, but I hope today will be better.
Oops, sorry about that. I was going to send a mental margarita (Earth Girls are Easy) but I KNEW you weren’t allowed that. I forgot about the chocolate.
*sends warm fuzzies and thoughts of Windstones!*
Reading this is totally weird for me. My husband and I always have complete communication, both ways. So I can’t help, but you already have plenty of very godd advice.
Congrats again, and lotsa hugs!
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